Messages

Thank you for all your responses! My heart is jumping... I lack words to describe how I feel after reading what you said to me. I begin to think I might not be that alone.

Badmemories:
Thank you for sending those books. I downloaded them, and I will read them starting today.
I can't imagine what is like to loose two brothers like that... I hope you don't blame yourself, I know I would. I learnt to take blame for everything, and it's not a healthy thing to do.
I am very happy I didn't kill myself now, I am so very grateful for my kids.
Only once, and recently, I thought I could try to soothe myself (during an anxiety crisis), and then I thought I must be crazy. But reading you made me think it may be a good idea to try it. Any hints on how to do it?

Keepfighting:
I didn't realize it until I did it. Your name actually matters a lot. How do you want to be called. The fight is not over yet, since there are several private institutions (telecoms, banks, etc) who still call me by my stepfather's last name (and it itches a lot). Whenever I hear that last name, shivers go down my spine... Well, as your nickname says it: keep fighting... We. must. keep. fighting.

Schrödinger's cat:
It's like you say. I always compare to being in a wheelchair. If you had an accident, there would be consequences. So I think like that to try to accept my limitations. It's still a day to day exercise: to remember why I am like this, why I feel the way I do. Still hurt though.

Kizzie:
Thank you so much! Without your guidance I wouldn't be here.
The idea of healing is not within reach yet. I'm only trying to cope with my 'shortcomings', but reading you say that, gives me hope. Actually it's the first time I think healing is an actual possibility. I may have a chance of getting well.
I read a lot of CPTSD in the past couple of years. When I tried to get help online, I found OOTF, which accuretely described many of the things I went through. Thanks to you now I am here, so I will take your advice and read those resources.

Once again, thank you all

Hi Everybody,
I'll be as brief as possible, but it will be long, nevertheless. Please excuse my english, since it's a second language for me.
I'm male, 42. I'm happily married and have two daughters aged 2 and 4. I have two older brothers and a sister.

In the past I tried to kill myself, about 6 or 7 times, almost succeeded a couple of times. The last time I tried, I was about 30 y/o.
I also had a drug addiction (I am clean now).

I went to psychotherapy with several therapists for about 30 years (I was sent when I was like 5 y/o). I came to understand that it didn't help me, even though I seriously tried. I mean I really really tried.

My story:
My father (a Pediatrician) died at age 34 in a plane accident (he was piloting it) when I was 19 months old.
About three days after that, my mother brought a friend of hers and my father to live with us to be her boyfriend and our step dad. I always called him 'dad'. Ironically he was a well known, respected, psychoanalyst.

First thing he did was to blame our father for all that is bad in the world. He told us things like "He killed himself because he didn't love you".
Second thing was to restrict contact with my father's family. My grandmother and grandfather couldn't see us. Only two uncles were allowed to see us My two older uncles were banned.

My stepfather only accepted relations in which he could be dominant and the others submissive.

He began to abuse me verbally, emotionally and physically when I was three (perhaps before). I remember many many beatings, but I can't remember having pain. I remember thinking 'why don't I feel pain?' when he kicked me once and lifted me from the floor about one foot (age 13). Now I know that I depersonalized myself as a defense mechanism.

My stepdad adopted us, so we lost my father's last name.

Besides that, I was sexually abused many times. This is what I can remember.
- Being very little (maybe three), I remember the pain, I was in my room at night, someone came in and touched me.
- Age 7, I had to walk to the school alone, someone approached me, made me many promises, and took me to some building to have his way with me. I came back walking, it was difficult because I got lost, and told my mother what happened. Her reaction was to take me to the bathroom and beat the crap out of me for about an hour. Of course it was my fault.
- Age 10, two 'friends' older than me, maybe 11 and 13 (they were brothers). They made me 'play' with them when they were home alone, and they both raped me. Based on prior experience, never told my mother. I only spoke about that in my late thirties.

Being a kid, I remember having nightmares, that I couldn't wake up from. I mean, I did became conscious, but couldn't breath, open my eyes, or cry for help. This happened to me a LOT.
I did wet my bed (daily?) until I was 14 or maybe more.
I always was overweight (between 20 - 60 pounds). I have a big eating disorder.

Now, back to the present. About 6 years ago my two older brothers did a legal process to retrieve our last name back. I followed their steps, so luckily now me and my daughters have my father's last name.

A couple years ago, I couldn't understand why there was an old photo of my sister (about 4 or 5 y/o at the time) by the swimming pool, where she was showing her back and smiling to the camera. I mean all the 'posed' pictures I take from my kids are FRONTAL. Why would anybody want to see a kid's back? Then it hit me. The photo was of her butt. That and a few hints here and there made me think that my step dad abused her. So, I called her (she lives in another country) and tried to ask her very politely. She said NO and hangup. A couple of months later, she did admit she was abused.

My step dad was still alive at the time. At one time, he called me for my birthday, and I told him to get lost, and never try to contact me or my family again. He died three weeks after that. I cried a lot, but I never regret having said those things to him. Also I am GLAD he died (maybe I am a terrible person).

Having confronted this situation was like opening Pandora's box. I broke down. I lost it. I couldn't sleep at night anymore. I found out that there are several memories that are buried. I remember watching the door at night, praying it won't open. I can't remember what happened when the door opened. I cannot access those memories.

Well, now after a long battle, I could put myself together, about three months ago. I still can't sleep, though. Nor can I remember those memories.

Also, my mother is a sadist. An emotional extortionist. A very violent person. Mostly emotionally, but also physically. I am in the process of cutting ties with her, but that will be the subject of another post.

The things is this:
I feel that I am crippled. My wife suffered a lot from my relapses, from my madness, from my uneven conduct. I don't hurt anyone, only myself. I have to live with my demons. I don't feel loved. When my wife says she loves me, I don't believe her. I feel alone. I don't want anyone to suffer because of me, but in the end, everybody pays the price of being near me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take any more pills (I did that several times through my life, and I am done with it).

I just want to be free from my demons. Those who speak to me at night. That door that I want to keep closed, but I know it opens.

Thank you for reading my story.
What do you think? What do you feel?