I was diagnosed RAD as a child. Do you have any specific questions about it? I stopped feeling so out of control and wanting to hurt myself or my mother so much after about age 16. We have a kind of relationship now, I'm almost 30...not what she had ever hoped, but it's something. I still don't feel able to connect with people at all often.
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Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi everyone! (Triggers?)
May 08, 2015, 07:06:08 AM
Another newbie from over at OOTF. 
27 year old two time divorcee with one child. Grew up with an undiagnosed PD mom. I was the SG. Sister below me the GC. I was physically and emotionally abused. Grew up isolated in a large fundamentalist Christian family. My mother was extremely unstable and violent in private while my dad was at work. She would then have to find ways to explain evidence of her behaviors to my dad, and her stories consistently placed the blame on me. My dad believed her and would punish me as well. I was generally despised and regularly told I was a scourge on the family.
In middle school I was often in isolation in the basement away from the rest of the family. As punishments, I had "privileges" taken away-- I had no belongings, I had to sleep on the floor, I lost the right to use hot water, etc.
We were homeschooled and not allowed to spend time with friends beyond as part of church activities.
I rarely ate, I self mutilated, and I became increasingly suicidal.
I had experienced some sexual abuse.
At age 17, I married a boy I knew from church two days after my high school graduation and I moved away from home. 6 months in, he became increasingly abusive--physically, emotionally, and sexually.
I was in despair. He had continuing affairs. After two years, he gave me several STDs and I left shortly thereafter. My family disowned me due to the stigma of the divorce and I was homeless.
During that time I met the person who would become my second husband and the father of my child. I saw how different he was from my first husband and was glad. Our relationship was extremely enmeshed, extreme lack of healthy boundaries. I felt like I became a part of him. We seemed blissfully happy for the most part and decided to have a baby.
After baby was born, husband immediately became essentially absent, and was abusive during most interaction we had. I was so shocked, it was completely unexpected. He spiraled into alcoholism and was a complete deadbeat. He decided he "wasn't the family man type after all" and asserted that it was unfair of me to expect him to make any sacrifices or assume responsibilities. I was beyond devastated. All my hopes and dreams for my daughter and a family were totally dashed. It took me several years to accept and then escape the alcoholism and abuse. It was then that I began learning about NPD. We lived like in a third world country, in shocking poverty, struggling for everything, while he used any available resource for himself. It was a nightmare. He constantly sabotaged everything. He eventually had an affair and moved away.
I had become extremely isolated to hide how ashamed of our situation I was. I worked an extremely demanding physical labor job. Last year I was nearly killed in an accident. It took me months to recover, but I did it all alone with my child. Even though I was significantly immobilized, I found a way because I had no choice.
Ever since then, I've been lost in a spiral of extreme toxic shame and hopelessness.
I realized that my first husband was an overt N, my second was diagnosed covert/passive. I lost my family, I lost my career. I originally thought that when I moved away from my parents' home, everything would be good from then on, because I'd be in control! My first marriage ending was a hit, but I took it in stride and had hope for the future still. However, after the second marriage, I overwhelmingly felt helpless and defeated and like an utter failure.
I struggle with constantly feeling like I'm undesirable, damaged, worthless, I don't have any control over my life and can't improve my circumstances, feel like I can't relate to anyone because of my struggles, I am unable to visualize a future.
The positive is I have a very supportive boyfriend who I am learning to trust and is encouraging me to work through all of this. So here goes!
27 year old two time divorcee with one child. Grew up with an undiagnosed PD mom. I was the SG. Sister below me the GC. I was physically and emotionally abused. Grew up isolated in a large fundamentalist Christian family. My mother was extremely unstable and violent in private while my dad was at work. She would then have to find ways to explain evidence of her behaviors to my dad, and her stories consistently placed the blame on me. My dad believed her and would punish me as well. I was generally despised and regularly told I was a scourge on the family.
In middle school I was often in isolation in the basement away from the rest of the family. As punishments, I had "privileges" taken away-- I had no belongings, I had to sleep on the floor, I lost the right to use hot water, etc.
We were homeschooled and not allowed to spend time with friends beyond as part of church activities.
I rarely ate, I self mutilated, and I became increasingly suicidal.
I had experienced some sexual abuse.
At age 17, I married a boy I knew from church two days after my high school graduation and I moved away from home. 6 months in, he became increasingly abusive--physically, emotionally, and sexually.
I was in despair. He had continuing affairs. After two years, he gave me several STDs and I left shortly thereafter. My family disowned me due to the stigma of the divorce and I was homeless.
During that time I met the person who would become my second husband and the father of my child. I saw how different he was from my first husband and was glad. Our relationship was extremely enmeshed, extreme lack of healthy boundaries. I felt like I became a part of him. We seemed blissfully happy for the most part and decided to have a baby.
After baby was born, husband immediately became essentially absent, and was abusive during most interaction we had. I was so shocked, it was completely unexpected. He spiraled into alcoholism and was a complete deadbeat. He decided he "wasn't the family man type after all" and asserted that it was unfair of me to expect him to make any sacrifices or assume responsibilities. I was beyond devastated. All my hopes and dreams for my daughter and a family were totally dashed. It took me several years to accept and then escape the alcoholism and abuse. It was then that I began learning about NPD. We lived like in a third world country, in shocking poverty, struggling for everything, while he used any available resource for himself. It was a nightmare. He constantly sabotaged everything. He eventually had an affair and moved away.
I had become extremely isolated to hide how ashamed of our situation I was. I worked an extremely demanding physical labor job. Last year I was nearly killed in an accident. It took me months to recover, but I did it all alone with my child. Even though I was significantly immobilized, I found a way because I had no choice.
Ever since then, I've been lost in a spiral of extreme toxic shame and hopelessness.
I realized that my first husband was an overt N, my second was diagnosed covert/passive. I lost my family, I lost my career. I originally thought that when I moved away from my parents' home, everything would be good from then on, because I'd be in control! My first marriage ending was a hit, but I took it in stride and had hope for the future still. However, after the second marriage, I overwhelmingly felt helpless and defeated and like an utter failure.
I struggle with constantly feeling like I'm undesirable, damaged, worthless, I don't have any control over my life and can't improve my circumstances, feel like I can't relate to anyone because of my struggles, I am unable to visualize a future.
The positive is I have a very supportive boyfriend who I am learning to trust and is encouraging me to work through all of this. So here goes!
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