Messages

(Note: In-depth discussion of dissociation, depression, abuse)

The basics: Humans are social creatures, and our bodies ("containers" ) like affection. Emotional, mental, and physical security/attention/affection really jive with us.

It's really interesting when those basics intersect with dissociation/trauma, and suddenly those things are "dangerous" and terrifying.

My depression started at 7, and my dissociation started around age 9 when my dad's emotional abuse and OCD really kicked up. Before the point of age 7, the abuse was mostly occasional rumblings, not much more. It had been a relatively average household in terms of physical affection and emotional support. Those good things were majorly from my mom, but nonetheless, it was nothing like it is now. After I turned 7, those basic elements of security and affection became less, then entirely disappeared by the time I was 9.

Then the social isolation started. Friends got sick of his BS, then stopped talking to us. He made it as hard as possible to find new friends and allies. We can't have anyone in the house because of the state it's in (it's practically unlivable). Our family is gone. He makes it as hard as possible for us to find and keep work. And within the circle of the three of us, my dad only touches us to hand us the $40 we're allotted each week for things we need. My mom and I are alienated from each other as much as we both are from him.

In 2016, I gave in and started Wellbutrin. It has flipped the way my brain functions for the better; I'm functional and much healthier. I can feel my limbs now; reality seems real; *I* seem mostly real; I can also experience a typical range of emotions. However, there are "glitches" left over.

The main glitch is related to touch: If someone touches me anywhere in a friendly way, regardless if I want it to happen (whether it be handshake, poke, or hug), I feel a dull electric shock. It runs from the place I was touched to the core of my spine. Sometimes it just feels like a hot wire and not a shock. Sometimes I get nauseous. If my boyfriend and I (who is heart-eyed over me and I over him) try to go further than making out, roughly the same stuff happens. Then, in all circumstances, I start to dissociate.

My boyfriend is working with me; my mom takes it personally and has resorted to casually hoarding pets. She doesn't fully understand/retain how physically-based my hangups are with this, because for her it's confusing that I can manage some intimacy outside of family but not within it. (Take this: I told her it was necessary to rehome some of the pets a few years ago--she told me to move out. Clearly, despite our connection, they are more useful.)

I'm a bubbly person! I'm goofy (I have googly eyes stuck on my laptop)! I like hugs! I like having feelings! I like being human after 8 years of not feeling my body or emotions! Thus, this is horribly frustrating and heartbreaking. I don't even know how to ask a question from it--I'm just sharing my story at this point.

Have you/do you guys relate to this? What do you think? 

[What do you do when you are still in your peri-trauma era, on the cusp of finally getting out, and expecting eggs (new triggers)? How do you prepare yourself for the actual post-trauma? How do you prepare for what might be an avalanche of predictable and unpredictable triggers, hypervigilance, irritability, and anxiety?]

(Note: Discussion of triggers, mental illness, abuse, dissociation, and mention of sexual abuse.)

A while ago, I was reading someone's review of how triggers can be formed. They gave one example of a woman who, during her abuse, was forced to cook eggs for her abuser every morning. After she escaped, even just looking at eggs became a trigger.

This particular comparison stuck with me. My abuser (my dad) has severe OCD, and his illness includes buying certain foods over and over and over. Since he makes it extremely hard for us to find and keep work, he controls the food. With every new list we make, he buys the wrong thing or squirrels the paper away and continues buying "OCD Items". Oftentimes, these OCD Items he chooses to purchase repeatedly have some kind of nostalgic value. In this case, he'd frequently make egg sandwiches in the morning when I was little. Fast forward 15 years, and we have found ourselves living on eggs and egg sandwiches every morning. If we're good, we get bagels.

This is one piece of a 365-day chaotic existence. There are many other behaviors and situations just like this one. And it got me thinking: What do you do when you are still in your peri-trauma era, on the cusp of finally getting out, and expecting eggs (new triggers)? How do you prepare yourself for the actual post-trauma? How do you prepare for what might be an avalanche of predictable and unpredictable triggers, hypervigilance, irritability, and anxiety?

Take this for example: My boyfriend and I are googly-eyed for each other--he is able to and wants to get both my mom and I out so we can live together. I didn't realize until very recently that if we begin to go further while making out, I begin to dissociate, even though I very much don't want to dissociate. I don't fall into the category of sexual abuse; nonetheless, the many years including lack of touch/affection both physically and emotionally, especially from male figures, have caught up with me. He's being more than wonderful with me, and we're working it out. Even so, something enjoyable and pleasurable that I want in the first place is a new trigger I have discovered and have to work through.

And that's the good news: These issues can be changed. But how do you prepare yourself for so much emotional work to come?

P.S.: This is a super helpful article on how to work through intimacy being a trigger for dissociation: http://www.sextherapyinphiladelphia.com/when-sex-is-a-trigger/

Happy belated birthday DecimalRocket! 

You know what's really funny? I actually like my own company. I can make myself laugh in an empty, rainy cemetery (and I have)! It is absolutely an extremely healing skill to have. It can be hard to live with yourself, let alone like yourself, after trauma.

Then there's trusting yourself: I actually rely heavily on both my logical judgement and on my gut instincts. To get a laugh and validate it further, I've gone so far as to give my intuition a name/semi-identity (Lucy). It's ridiculous, but it sure does work; "Lucy" is never wrong, and "she" has become a friend. I can ask myself yes-or-no questions and get an answer that always turns out to be right. "Lucy" can accurately predict all sorts of things--hours, days, weeks, or months ahead of time.

Which is why when my anxiety with this popped up, I was extremely annoyed. Why was I suddenly doubting such important parts of myself that I know I can trust? Feeeeaaaaar!!!! Basic fear was causing such an all-encompassing static, I couldn't hear my own instincts. Thanks, brain.

I dunno if I said this, but this fear-when-apart thing actually disappeared after I brought it up to him. Hey, I'll take it. Of course, I'm still adjusting. There are other pieces of this new dynamic I'm mega struggling with. We both have agreed we want a future together ... Quick question, has someone who you consider a soulmate, who also considers YOU a soulmate, ever asked you about kids on the second official date? Has this ever been a result of contacting an old friend on a whim on Facebook? *!!!!!!!!insert internal shrieking/excitement!!!!!*

In the midst of being hit by a freight train of normalcy, I'm trying--I swear! 

Hey y'all! Sorry I forgot to respond to this, it's been busy.

Thank you all for your kind words and awesome advice.

I've gotten better with this; I think I've moved on from a subconscious "I don't deserve it" to a conscious "How can I manage all this support better?"

Sometimes it takes mental post-its stuck everywhere with "Yes, it's allowed, and it can happen for you" written on them.

And I send a post-it to you: You guys deserve it too.

Hey y'all! I'm really curious if others will relate to me on this.

I'm 19, an abuse victim, still in the situation, on treatment (Wellbutrin--lifesaver) for depression, depersonalization, etc. I guess you could say I'm dealing with ctsd, and not cptsd since I'm still here.

My question is my question because I've been extremely lucky. I have one best friend from middle school, two more that I found online in 2015, a great mom, and as of last week an otherworldly-incredible boyfriend. I consider all of these people to be platonic soulmates (and the boyfriend--beginning to believe mutual soulmate).

My dad is the one who has destroyed, and continues to destroy, a lot of my life and my mom's life. Neither my mom or I have family or friends outside of the people I listed above. Everyone either died from old age, or my dad ran them out of our lives. Every corner of my life has been warped in terms of how I connect with other people in a human way because of him. We've been trying to wiggle out for years without much luck.

My middle school friend and I write long messages to each other over facebook at least once a week, and have been on each other's team for years. My mom tries her best to navigate daily survival with me. I'm convinced my two online friends were sent to me personally by the universe. And my boyfriend is rather hellbent on getting my mom and I out of here because he has the resources to help. (Note: He and I have only been back in touch from middle school for four months; we last spoke in 8th grade.)

These people are my only people, and I feel absolutely guilty sometimes for being in their lives and being so lucky as to have met them and be their friend. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve them and that I don't give enough to them in return (even though I logically know I give it my all).

It's absurd, because interpersonal relationships aren't transactional and of course we all care about each other. It's not a chore, THEY aren't a chore, I know I'M not a chore, and yet--I feel like one.

Thoughts and stories and opinions are much welcomed.

Hey guys! Sorry I didn't get back faster, the past few days have been busy.

An update on the relationship: When I wrote this we hadn't seen each other in over a month. It's a long story, but he had to move elsewhere due to mental health stuff. So we met up on Thursday and basically, the more I talk about my issues, the better the relationship gets. I brought up/explained my "panic-when-you're-not-there" issue and it went really well. Luckily, this means my very wired thought process is calming down.

And I mention this because it served as a reminder to me (and might to the reader): Communication is a thing that works! Yay!

Thank you, Sceal, for your list of techniques. I'd never heard of a few of those before and I'm very much looking forward to trying them next time I need them. <3

Thank you both Blueberry and James. I do have a new thread for that section... I'm indeed gathering the normal and keeping it close, that's why I'm such a mess!
(Also, I totally love bees.)

Three Roses & Owl Power--y'all are probably not off mark. I have hands-down had to act as a counselor, co-parent, and babysitter the majority of my life because my dad refused to be a dad. (I call it Mini Dr. Phil Syndrome.)
Historically, every dude I've ever interacted with on a deeper level has made my life considerably worse. So in that sense, I suppose the abandonment "fear of disappointment/hurt" thing comes into play here.
The panic doesn't start just because my boyfriend (boyfriend--AHHHH!!!) is not around, though. It starts because he's male and not around, so I don't have the reality that confirms he's "safe" in front of me.

Basically, my brain won't let me ground myself with the current "methods" I'm using. (I don't have a therapist right now, so one is distance, another is "review relationship facts", one more is drive my mom crazy.) I'm very much in search of grounding methods.
(Anxiety affects appetite. I love some good dang food. This is important!  )

Thank you, James. I feel like framing your response and hanging it on my bedroom wall.
Normal absolutely feels weird. In the most physical sense, I couldn't walk right for two months after starting Wellbutrin because my head was suddenly tethered to the floor! In every other sense I've had sparse doses of normal. I think of my other friend who, after horrible abusive relationships, found an awesome dude who's done nothing but support her--and she very often found herself crying out of the shock of the normalcy at first. Just this winter, he had to buy her a car battery (they'd just moved and she wasn't working yet), and she cried because he was insistent on it and then taught her how to install it! I absolutely relate.

So your post couldn't ring more true. Normal is abnormal. Abnormal becomes predictable and safe. Thus, Abby Normal Brain must be retaught.
Wonderful advice and validation rolled all up into one. 

[freaking out]

Hello. I just joined to ask this, so great greetings. There is discussion of depersonalization and emotional abuse here, as a warning.

I have what you might call "pre-ptsd". I still live with my parents (I'm 19), and my dad has been a dumpster fire emotional abuser for years. As a result, my depression/severe depersonalization was triggered when I was about eight. Things have only gotten worse over the last four years (despite us trying to claw our way out).

I started official treatment in 2016 (Wellbutrin). It has basically repaired my brain function... Before, I'd only been able to feel about three emotions (angry, sad, scared). So I've had the full range of human emotion for roughly two years now. I couldn't feel my body or process reality very well either, and that has also majorly disappeared. All of that is good news, but it comes with complications.

Back to my "pre-ptsd" phrase: I am not out of the source of my trauma yet. But now that I'm very much grounded in reality, it's making existing beyond stressful. Because now it's real--I'm not a "floating head" anymore. I joke about it, but the way I used to feel was horrifying. Sometimes my days are so bad, I'd like to have it back.

So, naturally, I started trying extra hard to find more friends/people. In late December (2017), I got back in touch from a friend from middle school over facebook. We had a great connection and just lost touch. So I wrote to him, and fast forward three months--we have very strong feelings for each other. We're invested. We've said the Three Words and meant them (to my knowledge). We mean a lot to each other. I did not think I would feel this way and I thought all he had in middle school was a basic crush, but anyway...

Here's the problem: He's the only significant other I've ever had and I'm absolutely freaking out. In person, I couldn't feel more relaxed and at ease. I feel like I've known him forever. He knows about a lot of what I'm dealing with (in his words, "sane people scare me"). He wants to help both my mom and I to leave our situation. He knows I'm gonna struggle with this kind of relationship.
However, he's done a lot in both the dating and sex department. He's great with listening to me and working with me, but on top of having a huge fear of men (thanks every man/boy I've ever interacted with in my life), AND not experiencing consistent normal human touch for years and years, I absolutely snowball into a place of anxiety and panic when we're not near each other.

Basically: I work myself up for no reason beyond past experiences, I don't know how to ground myself because my intuition stops working, and I can't bring myself to trust what I'm telling myself and know to be true. Instead, my brain goes to every possible thing that could go wrong and that becomes the destiny of our relationship.

It's driving me crazy. I miss him when he's not around, and thoroughly enjoy doing even the most mundane things with him (it's mutual), and yet: I have the urge to run for my life, leaving behind nothing but a puff of smoke!
(FYI, if you're wondering, I am definitely attracted to men. That's not where the fear is coming from. I'm bi, for sure. He is too!)

So here's my question(s). Is there a better way to explain what's going on in my head? How on earth do I find a way to manage and quiet the false panic? How do I teach my brain to recognize: "Hey, you have a wonderful friendship and you love being around each other"? What has worked for you guys? Do you have a specific name for this experience?

Thanks, y'all. <3