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Hi saylor. I am 50 and have been working through cptsd issues for over 5 years. I too was high functioning throughout my life until the consequences of my abuse caught up with me. I don't really know if it is worse because of age. My therapist received help fairly early in her life relative to her trauma. What I have noticed is that to some extent it prevented her from repetitive trauma. From what I can tell, when we are not aware of the consequences of our trauma, we tend to repeat it through personal relationships like friends and spouses. It's not our fault, we just don't know that we are acting from a place of our earlier trauma. Mid-life is known as a period for a crisis to occur. I have found that the crisis can be both inner and outer and particularly difficult for trauma survivors.

Welcome Etherley. I agree that you "had an incredibly tough childhood," and an incredibly traumatic event at 19. I am not sure if you are seeing your mental health nurse for counseling. If not, forming a healthy relationship with a counselor can go a long way in healing your incredibly deep wounding. I have an extensive trauma history and can tell you that for me it has gotten better. It has not in any way been an easy or short process, but it has lead to much healing. You have taken a BIG step by reaching out to the OOTS community to help support you.

In my opinion, you are being manipulated.

Hi Snookiebookie.

My son is 28 and daughter 23. I did not have the experiences that you are describing. However, I can appreciate being a parent and the extent to which a parent can be impacted by their child/children.

I don't have any direct advice. I do want to validate, "I'm convinced that until this is sorted that there is no way I can work towards recovery." Along my journey, I have discovered that I cannot heal a particular wound while being re-wounded. The fact that your daughter "makes [you] feel like such a horrible person" is keeping that particular wound open.

I can feel the intensity of your pain and wanted to let you know that it makes complete sense to me and that I can relate to it.

Hi Libby. I put therapists in one of three categories: helpful, neutral, or harmful. Based on what you have described, I would place your therapist in the harmful category. Our healing from cptsd comes through relationship. In my opinion, your therapist's words are retraumatizing. We can't heal in the context of retraumatization. Instead of healing the wounds, they remain open. The goal of therapy is to heal the wounds and let them scar over, not keep them open or deepen them. I cannot speak for you. I can say with certainty that I would remove myself immediately from a therapist who is harming me. I realize you may not see the situation that way but wanted to share what came up for me when reading your post.

In my experience, working through the consequences of cptsd requires the help of others. It makes sense that you are unable to prop yourself up right now.

Hi
Have you identified what has triggered the increased intensity of your self-hate?

How long has it been getting worse?

Thank you for the feedback ah. One day you will have the mental power to let it pass!

Thank you for the clarification Blueberry. My post is referring to suicidal ideation.

You pose an interesting question ah. My SI started around 16. I am 50 now. I have dealt with SI throughout my life and have pondered its role in my life. For me, SI was an important coping mechanism. Apparently, I no longer need it because it hasn't occurred in about 2 years now. It could reappear of course. SI gave me a sense of having a choice, some sense of control if you will. My SI was always strongest when I felt trapped by my life, which used to be quite often. SI definitely appeared in my consciousness without my control. Once it appeared, I could choose to cultivate it or let it pass. So, it both happened to me, and it was something that I could do if I chose to.

Hi blues_cruise I am the father of a 23-year-old daughter. What your NF said and did was a violation of healthy boundaries betwen a daughter and her F! Your 8-year-old little girl was exposed to a perverted F. It is natural for her not to be able to relate to sexual remarks. I am very sorry that you had to go through this and for so many years. I admire your courage for giving your little girl a voice. I believe this will go a long way in healing this particular wounding.

Welcome Alias  I agree that no matter where you post, you will find support. From a neuroscience perspective, your brain was still developing during your prolonged period of abuse. From my perspective, your mother and stepdad abused you. Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a sadistic psychopath/sociopath. I have been preyed upon by many of his type.

"Everything is spiraling out of control and I'm trying to make some sense of my life." I hope that you will continue to reach out to the OOTS community for support along your journey. It can be a safe place to process.

Welcome Little Boat Flooding can be extremely difficult, and the inner critic becomes extra toxic. I have not been in contact with my mother for over 5 years now. She is no longer able to inject her poison into me. I'm glad that you reached out to the OOTS community.

I have been where you are Eyessoblue. I tried getting through my pain and anxiety by drinking large quantities of alcohol. A little over 2 years ago I acted on my plan and was a trigger-pull away from death. I am really glad that you don't have a plan and that you are opening up here about what is going on with you. I started having suicidal thoughts when I was 16 and they lasted until I was about 48. Even after my SA, I had the thoughts for another year. I often felt like the world would be better off without me. I even thought my children would be better off. Over the last 2 years, the thoughts have not returned, and I no longer believe that the world, especially my children, would be better off without me.

It's nearly impossible to give you advice without knowing all of what is going on with you. That said, staying in touch with the OOTS community can be very helpful. What is your current support system? Do you have any idea when you might come off of the waiting list and see a therapist? Please, please let someone know if you find yourself having a plan.

Welcome Rivka Being aware of cptsd is the starting point of the recovery journey. Congratulations on your 3 plus years of clean time. I am 50 and a little more than 2 years into my recovery from alcoholism. I hope that you receive support here and during you partial hospitalization.