Messages

Thank you so Hysperger for reminding me that I am not alone in all of this, and what you said about working on realising that it just talk actually sounds like a good idea.
I am someone who actually will talk to themselves and just cry and give voice what I feel inside when no one is around to hear. My Husband doesn't look down me for it at all. He told me once though when he has come home from work and he just happens to hear me; that it sounds like I am on the phone talking to someone.
The wall can be a great listener... It never interrupts, nor puts you down, however it doesn't give very good feedback. LOL
Thank you again for the idea and for reminding me I am not alone in this. 

I have had 3 people whom are family members that have told me that I could always turn to them even when I just need shoulder to cry on. But then when I finally try to turn to them, I get proverbially smacked with "Stop the drama!", which in turn causes me to feel really bad about myself, and to feel alone and almost like "I had better just shut up, and go away".
That is the best I can describe how it makes me feel when I feel sad/depressed and then not even being able to get out one sentence before the "Drama" label gets thrown.

I just want to know if anyone else has had this happen to them and what worked the best for you, or even what helps you, in dealing with this kind of situation.

I have finally got up the gumption to introduce myself.
I am so grateful to have found this site. In a positive sense it is nice to know I am not alone, and in a heartbreaking sense I know I am not alone, or the only one.
The first mistake I made in life was being born a girl. I was verbally/emotionally/physically and spiritually abused. (I was raised LDS, but my parents took it too far.)
I never had a voice which has plagued me my whole life. When I was a teenager I discovered a way to voice my feelings and thoughts through music.
In 2009 I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. And then when I tried to get a good psychologist, I had CBT thrown at me along with lots of meds.
I have ran the gamut of psychologists and even ended up staying a couple times in a psych ward, and it never helped, just made it worse.
So I took to psycho educating myself about CPTSD, and learning tools to help with the emotional flashbacks. (Man, it totally sucks how they can come from out of nowhere and blind side you.)
I don't know if anyone else has ever had this go on with them, but I don't feel female nor male inside. To look at me you wouldn't know. I guess it is part of the dissociation thing. I actually have tended to bond with plants, animals, and computers in my life because I have been so afraid of being hurt.
I had 2 abusive marriages prior to my Husband now, who is my rock and I swear the only one who gets me.
I told him last night when we were having one of our talks, that I don't have just a wall around me, I have a fortress! I am the freeze/dissociate kind.
I have also dealt with anorexia and bulimia, feeling suicidal in the past, and self-injury. One thing I never would have thought that I would ever hear myself saying 10 years ago is that actually I am afraid to die! I have no contact what so ever with my family. I cannot have them in my life.
I am grateful for Pete Walker's book. It has helped out a lot.
One major leap forward for me that happened a few weeks ago was when I said to myself "3of5, I am so glad that you were born." The most amazing feeling  washed over me inside.