Messages

Oh artemis,
I'm so so SO sorry. Reading your post made me feel so angry on your behalf. How dare they treat you, neglect you and misuse your trust and dignity like this?

But most importantly in this moment, how are you?
As in, I can't imagine the flippin pain and craziness you're in, but do you feel you can keep yourself alive or relatively risk free?

If not, do you have anyone you can put your trust in to reach out to? Even if only slightly, a neighbour, friend? Could they help you get to the ER and them help explain why things have got so bad?

It sounds like despite all efforts to not want the barbaric treatment of hospital, you're really unwell at the mo. Coukd you stay with anyone, or could anyone take your couch?

I'm really hearing you. I am so so sorry again. I know the injustice of this stuff. I was religiously groomed and smuggled over to another country by my named nurse at a private hospital I was sent to for what they thought was bpd I had.

I just want you to know in the crazy dark madness you're feeling at the moment, try and be with someone so they can keep that observant second person watch with you in case things really are beyond your control.

We're are here, I'm here. You're not alone even though you probably feel it. I'm caringly sending warm, safe and kind vibes and wishes to you.

Your constant awareness of the hurdles that make what other people think as little simple everyday tasks hard for you, but your constant recognising the fabulous steps you take at reversing those default settings from trauma, flashbacks, critic, fear is so inspiring.

You go Blueberry! Rooting for you 

Freeze framing a thousand shots
I'm sucked back behind these lenses
I've decided I'm not being what I'm not
Get me back, please, stir my senses.

Why can't these eyes get dewy,
Dried ice is this torturous lack,
Glazed over with fears' freeze only
Get the deicer and stem a crack.

Oh how you and I have been mistaken,
Toughness doesn't equal okayness,
But I know this only when I'm breaking,
So I'm asking, melt this iced up mess.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.

Being in an emotional flashback, wow I had never considered that.

Blueberry, I'm very similar, I often duck out of things last minute through fear when planning it, I feel fairly confident and determined. but I think the most important thing is to be easy on ourselves. That should come first before planning again how to tackle a certain aim.

Thanks again everyone 

Hi,

So I've had particularly rough couple of weeks. But I have reflected, pushed and tried different things to see what helps with my the emotions, depression, dissociation. And I felt a real great driving force of knowing my self and what I want to do.

I signed up to a personal trainer which starts tomorrow because exercise is the only thing which helps me get back in my body and helps my mood. And I thought having structure and schedule would help with poor motivation. I thought about going to uni again too, my last two attempts I got ill and ended up in psychiatric hospital.

At the weekend it felt different, I felt stronger. At a place to do these things again.

But now coming away from a psychotherapy appointment I feel crippled by self doubt. Thinking to myself; get real Laura, there will be so many triggers. Too much overload for the brain. You're kidding yourself and not accepting your limitations.

I feel like I want to cancel the PT ing even though I've paid upfront. I don't know who I am sitting writing this or what my motives are for the stuff I do. I feel so awfully broken and lost eight now.

I don't know what part of me to trust. My determination, my doubt, my tears, my history and heightened trigger responses.

Who am I?

What do you guys do when you're in such an emotional crossroads?

Hi Rainagain, I can relate to this. I used to have a best friend who would open up the conversation with 'how are you' but thereafter would go on a vent about her problems which I would always listen to, but in fairness were smaller compared to my life of struggle. In the end I actually reflected on what I get out of the friendship and do i see her as a friend? I realised i didn't, I started to not being honest, I didn't like her judgements etc. So in the end I stopped contact. It felt very empowering despite the early phase I had a lot of guilt and self hate.

Would having time to just to think what you value in friends and whether your friends are that, be helpful?

I know it's difficult though. I only really have 1 friend I genuine with, and 2 others i see, so understand its difficukt when trying to avoid isolation.

Do you find mentalising helpful? When you really want what how are you question to be felt, mentalise it from someone who has meaning to you? I'm going to reveal my geekiness and I mentalise Dumbledore from Harry Potter!!

Take care, we are all here.

Def me, all the time. The  left with that big unsettling question? Who am I?

Truth is a beautiful thing by London Grammar

Rather than explaining it to your husband as an illness or disorder, could you  describe it as your brain being traumatised by early experiences that have damaged the affect regulatory system, your sense of worthiness, heightened sense of fear leaving a narrower range for you to feel safe in?

I believe it to be a brain injury type of cause but that with the right support and safe space to process and relearn, we can all change over time. Would this help your husband in understanding if he knew there was change lying ahead, change that you are amazingly working through which in itself is immensely distressing?

Hi LilyITV, I've read your post.

I'm so feeling for you in this crippling pain you're experiencing right now.

Youre right, you need emotional support, a kind listening ear, a hug, anything while helps your pain and suffering feel validating.

Unfortunately the people we need for this can sometimes be useless at being around or able to do that when we most need it. And that sounds like it's left you in an alone type place which is triggering and immensely painful.

Can you mentalise in your mind what you would most want? Visualise it, feel it, be it, let it soothe you?

What woukd you want your husband or any person, real or not real to say, look or hold you if anything? Or an animal, someone that inspires you? Let them see your pain and gently soothe you.

I know it's never the same as happening for real but this skill might just help reduce the intensity of the overwhelming emotions you're in.

Again I'm so sorry you're experiencing this right now. I totally understand it too and it's just unbearable isn't it?

Please take care. You deserve it.

Thanks Kizzie for all the work you're putting in.

Another bright and early morning...
Feeling in this weird phase still that doesn't seem to be shifting,  I walk down to the kitchen this morning for my mug of tea and see that I decorated part of the kitchen yesterday and then the realisation and memory came.
I am so dissociative and swimming at the moment. My toe is still blue and purple from slipping down some stairs the other day. I don't think I need to splint it to the other toe like I did yesterday. 

Anyway I want to focus this entry on discovery and recovery.

So I have my recap driving lesson with a lady instructor at 10am this morning. Hopefully this is all I need. Just so I can get my confidence back with parallel parking and duel carriageways. This could be a huge step because of all the independence it can bring me. I do drive my mum's car but am limited because I worry so much I'll turn up somewhere and not be able to park it!
I don't feel worried about it at the moment but I feel I have heaps to do before then in this 2 and a half hours. Shower, dry hair, dress, shove a tiny bit of makeup on to hide my dark eyes, take meds, walk Merlin,  force some breakfast down,.

Gosh writing it down like this shows how much I do have to do and do to keep going. And I do it. I'm not giving up yet. Even though I'm thinking of it like crazy at the moment.

That's what is so good about us cptsd and dissociative survivors.

Survival is built in us.  Nothing can stop us. We are strong warriors 

Thank you for everyone's lovely replies. I'm already flip flipping hourly, daily, so not really sure what to write down as progress. As I don't have a clear feeling of who i've beenin recent days. Progress is being more intune to when that happens more?

I'm feeling zoned out, non descript, and that usual for mornings after getting up. I think it might be because of the dreams and nightmares of the night, I've dissociated and gone into that red zone.

So, I think mornings are definite grounding times. I've made a blue lady tea, one of my favourite loose leaf teas, and I'll put on the powerful music with such amazing lyrics to bring me round. I have to put it on loud but am conscious of my neighbours either side of me, so I think I will use headphones today.

Also feeling lots of regret, shame, "want to forget about it" feelings.  I am really going to try my best to not avoid those feelings but listen to them, and let them be with understanding and compassion.

I have been using journals to hand write in for many years now, but I suddenly thought this morning, that there is still some sort of shame and secrecy in that. I guess I do sometimes read bits out in therapy sessions but mainly because I worry I'll forget what I really wanted to say once I'm in the room.

But shame is the huge non recovering factor with me. I hide so much. My problems with eating and bulimia oh gosh... I am so shamefully ashamed.

I always thought the main factor to purging was just to relieve uncomfortable feelings in my tummy, and to make room for more bingeing.

But no, now I know I have to stop and learn to sit with, tolerate the feelings of shame. The bullying I received from my F in my body size and the way I ate as a child means I am sooo scared of putting on weight.

I also want and need to be brave enough to sit with those fears in a more healing, compassionate way. If I do put on weight and get fat, I'm still Laura.

Oh gosh this feels so simple yet such a breakthrough! 

After all these long many years.