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Eyessoblue, I have had (what seems like) the same thing since I started therapy.  Just sitting in class taking notes, and suddenly the paper's wet.  Just tears, no noise or anything, no "feeling" of wanting to cry.  You mentioned on another post that you also have issues with dissociation and not feeling emotions.  My therapist told me that it's possible to have the physiological response without registering the emotion causing it.  Perhaps you were used to dealing with certain issues that you already knew about, but were caught off guard by the sudden realization that you might be dealing with depression?  Maybe it's the actual depression?  Whatever the case may be, it sounds a lot like the "crying" I've experienced, which I'm told is connected to a real emotion that the dissociative symptoms are masking.  I have also been told that the content/direction of your thoughts can also be clues to an underlying feeling.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  It's disconcerting to have to guess what you're feeling/why your body is doing weird things. 

Thanks for the insight.  That was very helpful to get a glimpse of what the process looks like.  My therapist has been planning to do emdr with me for a while.  It sounds like I'm starting out at the last step,

I could think about it and talk about it as if it was something as simple as I'd just popped to the shop, there were no emotions then attached to it and it's just something I know that happened but now doesn't bother me anymore

except that I just randomly lose time or have "eyeball sweat" with no emotional connection at times when I'm not even thinking about anything.  I guess in my case, the point might be to reattach the emotions to the corresponding events, and then deactivate them so they stop wreaking havoc in other places?  Either way, it sounds like the process sort of forces you to find the feelings and deal with them. 

To clarify, I'm 29 and have been back in school for 4 1/2 years.  I've been totally fine for the last 7-8 years since I've been out of my "situation".  I was supposed to graduate last semester but instead had a spectacular mental breakdown (wherein I missed 2 months of school by just "losing time"  trying to get ready and "reappearing" 3-5 hours later still standing at my front door with one shoe on).  Since then, even when I am present, it's just been weird flashbacks/nightmares and ruminating over increasingly ridiculous scenarios wherein my abuser shows up where I am and tries to murder me.  With the exception of my therapy and DBT appointments, I've spent the last 3 months holed up in my apartment trying to drink away a neverending stream of flashbacks that I can't have feelings about, but am tired of having to watch.  I thought I had moved on with my life, but clearly something has gone very wrong with the way I've processed the first 20 years of my life.  It's like I tried to move those memories to their own folder, but instead they got integrated into the operating system and gummed up the code.

Since fall semester starts back up this month, I'm hoping that the emdr will at least help me deal in a more effective way (to be fair, I can't imagine a less effective way than the way I've been dealing with things so far).  Perhaps I should talk to my therapist about just starting the emdr now and continuing to work on mindfulness/dbt as I go. 

I experienced a noticeable auditory hallucination for the first time a few weeks ago.  I was lying in bed trying to sleep.  I have trouble sleeping because sometimes I start just randomly running through bad memories and can't stop.  I like to make myself think of lists instead: favorite tv shows, every brand of shampoo I can think of, etc.  This is relevant, because that's the only reason I noticed.  Everything was quiet, my husband was asleep, and I was listing brands of toothpaste in my head.  I think it started really quietly, and gradually got louder until I noticed, but I started to hear whispering.  It was really disconcerting, since I was already thinking about toothpaste brands, so I realized 2 things:  1.) The whispering was not in my head (like the list), it was in my left ear (furthest from my husband)  2.) The voice that was whispering was not the same voice that is in my head.   

The experience really made me question my reality.  I have since been paying more attention to the amount of times I have those "What was that?" "I didn't say anything" conversations with my husband.  Also, I have been paying more attention to the times that I thought I saw something move out of my peripheral vision (just generic, shadowy movement) when I'm home alone.  My therapist confirmed that hearing something "in your ear" instead of "in your head" is a symptom of psychotic illnesses like schizophrenia, not dissociative or anxiety based disorders like my DPDR or CPTSD.  She also said that symptoms of schizophrenia don't normally just start up out of nowhere at my age (29), but that she would do some additional research to try to figure out why it was happening to me.  She said not to worry too much about it, but to keep track of it and keep her updated (especially if I start experiencing "command" hallucinations).  I also have regular flashbacks, but like Lilfae said, these seem to be a different experience.  I will let you guys know if/when I get an update.

Eyessoblue, it's good to hear that you've had success with emdr without having to work on emotional sensitivity first.  Was there something about emdr that made it feel different?  I've been talking to my therapist for months about specific details of my trauma and nothing has come up for me.  If I am pushing any feelings away, it's before they even register.  My impression (could be wrong) was that emdr was basically just talking about the experiences, but with feedback.  I am already an open book.  I guess what I'm asking is whether you were already discussing the things that happened in detail, but found that emdr brought more emotions to the surface than just talking about it. 

I like that.

Thanks for your reply Wattlebird.  It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.  Apparently my losing time is a dissociative response to "strong emotions" too.  I'm pretty sure all the feelings just sort of avalanche at the same time and I don't have time to register what's going on before my system blue-screens.  I have also been told to just stop blocking them, but it's like having automated turret guns that you can't see, and wondering why you never have visitors.  Then if a big crowd ever makes it past the perimeter, your house knocks you out like King Kong and runs away with you. 

It's good to hear that mindfulness has helped you.  It's a big part of the DBT class, but I guess I just haven't given it enough time.  I have also been working with a chart to guess the emotion from body sensations.  I'll have to focus more on those skills specifically then. 

I apologize for the extremely delayed response.  It's pretty embarrassing, but I read all of your comments back in May.  I've kinda just been spiraling and lost the last few months.      Anyway, I just wanted you guys to know that I really appreciate the warm welcome and all of your encouragement, support, and insight. 

This might sound dumb, but does anybody else have the issue of not feeling emotions? 

Evidently, I have emotions, but don't feel most of them.  My (otherwise excellent) therapist set me up in a DBT group, but it kind of feels like I'm in the wrong class.  The group is supposed to help with emotional regulation, but it seems really focused on helping people who have really strong emotions reel them in.  I have the opposite problem.  I occasionally have physiological responses out of nowhere but they seem completely random.  I don't feel whatever emotion it is, so I have to sort of reverse engineer it (consult a chart) to determine which emotion corresponds to the response.

For years, I've found it easy to discuss traumatic memories with horrified acquaintances (and sometimes strangers) because I have no emotional connection to those memories.  This also makes it really hard to determine where the line is between "interesting story that adds to the conversation", and "story that will horrify and/or traumatize listeners".  Apparently, I cannot begin EMDR or other trauma therapy until I can "feel" these things, but I need to work through this stuff in order to stop randomly losing gaps of time throughout my day.   

Anyone else have this issue?  If so, do you have any suggestions?  Has anyone been successful in figuring out where the feelings went?   

Hello all,

Sorry for the long post.  Looking forward to meeting some people here and sharing some mutual support, but I am not sure where I belong on this forum (adult or childhood).  Maybe someone can help...

I was recently diagnosed with c-ptsd and dpdr (depersonalization/derealization disorder).  While, in retrospect, my relationship with my parents growing up may have been emotionally abusive (not really sure how to qualify that) and set the stage for later problems, my most significant period of trauma occurred within an abusive relationship from the ages of 14-20.  Here are some brief summaries of the situations:

Upbringing:
My parents divorced when I was a toddler.  I lived with my mom, whose pattern was to get angry over something and not tell me about it.  Generally, she would refuse to talk to me/avoid looking at me/do things "angrily" for a week or so until I built up the courage to "detonate the bomb".  When I finally got her to tell me what I did wrong, she would yell (sometimes for hours) about how I left a glass on the table last week/never listen/am selfish and don't care how much I inconvenience people.  I would apologize until she begrudgingly accepted, and the cycle would start over in a couple days.  When she remarried, my stepdad was friendly, but had an explosive temper with no buildup.  He would be calm and friendly, showing no signs of irritation, then explode out of nowhere (usually from me talking too much).  Afterwards, he would immediately return to "calm and friendly", and pretend nothing happened.  Both of my parents were extremely adamant about suppressing any "negative" thoughts/emotions.  I got a lot of "don't ever give me that look/tone/attitude".  If I was in pain (sick, scraped a knee, etc), I "the look" warning me not to cry.   

Relationship (14-20):
When I was 14, I got into an abusive relationship with a boy at my new high school.  In the beginning, he told me all the time about how "special" I was...how (unlike other girls) I was "selfless" and "aware".  It quickly devolved into a nightmare of abuse and control.  He claimed to be "possessed by a demon" when he forced me into sexual acts and praised my "selflessness" for "taking care of him".  Even when not "possessed", he did things like calling one of my friends who lived out of town, convincing her that he literally killed me "because I made him mad", then convincing her to try and comfort him for being sad about it.  He did this in front of me just to prove he could.  Every night for 6 years, I had to tell him "stories" about him having sex with other girls, sometimes kids.  If I took too long or fell asleep, he would threaten to kill himself, or just hit me until I woke up.  Once, he dragged me out of bed by my hair and locked me out of the apartment naked at 3am.  He cheated on me with several women, occasionally promising their SOs they could have sex with me "to make it even".  They occasionally took him up on it.

Now (20-28):
I have been out of that situation for 8 years now, am happily married, and going back to school.  Evidently the pressure of school set off some issues I didn't realize that I had.  I didn't realize that I somehow stored the parts of my memories cataloging sequences of events separate from the components for physical and emotional feelings.  Now I am really struggling with dissociative issues, like losing large gaps of time with no memory of them.  Also discovered that I have not actually felt many emotions for so long, that I can't even tell when I have them (ie: not realizing tears are coming out of my eyes until they fall onto my paper, then being confused because I don't "feel" sad).  Everything is spiraling out of control and I'm trying to make some sense of my life.

Again, sorry for the novel.  I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of the most appropriate section for my issues.  Let me know if any of you can relate as well.  Despite my emotional shortcomings, I've worked hard over the years to process this logically.  Maybe we can help each other.