Messages

Thank you Blueberry. I'll have to talk to my therapist next week and see if it's possible.

Thank you Deep Blue , I'm not accustomed to compassion, it's brought me to tears. 

Just over a month ago, my father died. It's reopened all the wounds. I'm not good at dealing with these feelings. Historically I have distracted myself from the pain by becoming productive. This has now become a form of self harm as I now suffer chronic physical pain as well secondary to an injury nearly two years ago.

I tend to boom and bust, and had been dealing really well with pacing myself most of the time. Now I'm either struggling to get out of bed, or pushing myself to complete a project to feel accomplished. The pain is demoralising and makes staying positive difficult.

I have been seeing a therapist. Yesterday I found out we have only two more sessions left in this pain programme. I'm not sure I can continue to see him. We are only just starting to get to the chronic abuse of my childhood. I guess I am feeling abandoned in advance.

I'm in a state of deep sorrow. It's not for loss of my father - he's been dead to me for around four years. My mother though is trying to reach out again, but always with criticism. I can do that for myself, and when it comes from her, I go into rabbit - or play dead mode. My brain freezes, I cannot think.

I'm sorry, this is a ramble. I will come back and re-read, and edit if necessary, once I can read again.

Thank you.