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Doesn't look like anyone has been here for awhile. I haven't been around in a while...
Find myself thinking of this porch so thought I would come.  Even if noone is here I'm still happy to be in this place.

I read your story and found it heart breakingly similar to one of my family...
"To each of my 8 (biological) children  I leave $100"
Mistress and her scum low life children get the (my last name) family farm, and 4 other properties in our town.
This is what my grandfather did to my dad and all my aunts and uncles... he purposely left "something" so it could not be contested.
Used "the will" to control everyone (even though he broke family up) while alive....forced us all to engage with mistress....only to do that to his own kids in the end. He also happily let all 8 of them literally surround his death bed for 7 straight days knowing exactly what he did.
Sharing so you know you are not alone. Some people are vicious  sickening,  and evil.
My dad got "justice" by pissing on his grave.
Food for thought.

Im so enraged all the time.  White hot blinding rage.  Every day, every night, every minute. Now at 530 am after being awake since 3am yet again because of all this.
I cannot stop even for a minute being enraged. I cant get past this suffocating anger.  It is the symptom that leads the pack with all the other ones and there are no words for the despair this is causing me. I just am constantly battling CONSTANTLY to just get through the day all because of this hand I was dealt in life. I cant escape this reality of each day being flooded with all these symptoms only to become enraged about the circumstances surrounding my past causing this cptsd. Events that I was not protected from as a child that now literally affect me in every single waking/sleeping moment.  Rage is  all there is in me and it consumes me.
Is there anyone else out there fighting against the ugliest part of yourself who thirsts for... revenge ? Blame? What does this rage want? I will never get "revenge" I will never get justice, and I know precisley who is to blame both directly ( my perpetraters) and indirectly- my parents for failing to protect me. 

The hardest thing about all of this is the realization that this is it. This is who I am and how I am and even though I want to, I will never not feel the way I feel.   If I live to be an elderly person I have at least 40 more years of this pain. 40 more years of this "coping" and "pain management" and learning how to deal with this disorder that was put upon me as an innocent child. 

Thats a long time.

I know why people do it because they know, like I know, they can -do anything -achieve anything-create a new life-
But they will never not have this reality inside their mind and body.

Hello Blueberry! Well I have to thank you for the rain.  We are in a bout of extreme heat and constant storms.  Perfect for my seeds! I also thank you for the link to the gardening thread. It does bring me a sense of grounding when I can bring myself to get out there. Hoping your garden is already reaping fruits of your labour! Im gonna be about 6 weeks here. 😣

 
Someone with cptsd does, thats who!!!
You know how the to do list never ends and the overwhelm at the slightest task is paralyzing? .....
Me frantically planting all my seeds that can grow in 50 days or less 
Feeling some relief I accompmished this goal even though it's the most random garden ever.

You know, like on the inside I'm emotionally equivalent to a child and I try my hardest not to let anyone see it.  Can anyone relate to this as well? 

I really feel like a big child emotionally. 

how long is it going to take for me to age emotionally to catch up to what my actual age is?

YES I can 100% relate. I am a 35yr old female who is a little girl on the inside completely dumbfounded as to who this 35 yr old person is that I walk around inside of....I have never met her  and I truly dont think I ever will.

I cant even say how many times I feel just like I'm a haux of a person....owning a house, having a job....driving a car....becoming  mother myself.....
None of this makes any sense at all to the little girl behind my sad eyes.  She doesnt even know who this adult person is. She just knows that her memories make the adults daily life crippling to hold up this fraud.

[HAUNTS]

I think that's the question that haunts everybody here. Speaking for myself, it's a fear that at times has gripped me so tight as to feel like I can't breathe

HAUNTS is incredibly accurate.

I would also love to know the answer to this 

Hi safetyinnumbers. Im sorry i cannot answer your question as my perps never saw justice. What I so long for is that my first one was exposed before he passed away. I saw your post and I was so happy for you becsuse in my personal situation, the fact that my perps "got away" with what was done to me, I feel for me, is a huge barrier to my "recovery" ( at this point recovery is like a sick joke being played against me, duping me into hoping for a better reality than this....something I dont see in my futire) and leaving me feeling so infinitely alone and unworthy of justice.
I honestly felt joy at the thought of your perp being thrown in jail and tossing the key. I feel happy for you that you were believed, you had the strength to pursue justice and I hope it gives you a deep reassurance that the person being punished is the one who committed crimes against you. You deserve to have these wrongs acknowledged and seen through and the criminal punished. 
I feel like I am the only one punished. I am the only one who still carries these anchors of despair.  Justice is up to me somehow relinquishing my life back but after 35 years I just never see it happening. All my running has just made me realize I can run forever but will never outrun my cptsd. I hope you find comfort in having this person pay for what they did. I truly am glad for you and hope my message is ok. Im sorry I cant answer your question but I can say alot for never getting justice and how much that fact weighs on my struggles.
Thanks for sharing, mm

Im here to find solace among people who can accept my broken heart and broken mind. I am having such a hard time that I just want to sit by the water and breathe.

Hello.

I'm here to connect with others who are deep in the fog too.

... Later as an adult after I graduated college, married, and moved to a new city away from it all, I was still suffering from severe difficulties managing normal life.  Despite accomplishing things I never believed I would, having a great husband and job, I didn't feel real. I felt like I was a computer. I felt guilty for being alive. I felt like everything I'd built would certainly fall apart on top of me  . I still had irrational emotional flashbacks, dissociation, distinct states of mind, and trust problems that weren't based in the present. Somatic symptoms were even worse and made me think I was either suffering from tons of food allergies or else dying of undetectable autoimmune illnesses. My final year in school when I was still at home, I started having brain fog, arthritis/inflammation symptoms, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, skin problems, and more . They blew up even worse over the past two years. I went to several doctors until recently one just finally said, "Stress can really mess up the gut, so all of this is probably a product of the nervous system. Will you consider going to a psychologist?"

, but being left alone in my head has proven to be a very scary thing.

As we established earlier, I don't feel like a person, and I've realized that it has something to do with why I can't connect to others anymore / vice versa.


But being that my nervous system is the deciding factor instead of rationality, I honestly just feel like I wish I didn't live in this world. 

And yet, I do crave life....

Hello to you! I picked out so many parts of your post that feel as though I wrote it myself. I am new here but finding comfort in finally finding people who can understand all the whys of who I am today.
I feel exactly like you describe. I have often referred to myself as a functioning mentally ill person (like a functioning alcoholic) I have shared some of the same accomplishments as you...getting degrees, got married, have beautiful babies,  left my "real job" to become an entrepreneur and start a couple of businesses in my town that after 2 years are "successful".....all the tidings of a PERFECT life...the one that I always wanted and hoped for, and CREATED for myself and BY MYSELF.  But its funny....all my work attaining all these goals, running from my inner darkness, has done nothing but make me realize that I can do anything. Literally anything...maybe not become an astronaut..but I mean I can go back to school get a hundred more degrees..start a million new businesses...but I will still always feel the same inside.   All my running finally made me realize that I will never out run this.  I can never out run this.

This is part of the reason that the bottom for me has fallen out and I am so deep in the fog that I see no relief ever. I just sit and wonder why I have to have a life that is nothing but coping with horrendous somatic and psychological symptoms every damn day. I am so angry that rage is my baseline. I am always one word or one look away from an explosive fit of rage.
I am a shell of a person going like a robot tending everyone's needs and expectations of myself while I lay awake every night crying to myself and wishing the pain would just let me breathe.

Hello Morning. Your post caught my attention because I have been working on this problem too. I have been diagnosed with "situational depression", chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD....all along the way to finding myself in CPTSD. (My symptoms have been lifelong due to CSA done to me by family members)
I told a friend of mine that I finally had a diagnosis..and she reacted in a way that hurt me by saying "but do you really need a label?"  "Is that really helping?"....and I have been bothered about it ever since. I felt like I was sharing my soul with her, and she just dismissed it and pushed me going to some hypnotizing QUACK who will release all my traumas.....insert eye roll.  SCAM ALERT
I feel like I went my whole life not knowing "what was wrong with me" and now have this clear answer that explains how I have felt always.  It made me realize I am not one person, but in a special population on earth that gets handed childhood tragedies that scar us for life. Finding out that my brain and body is not diseased, but that in reality my horrible symptoms are a NORMAL reaction to traumatic events has given me some ground to stand on. I felt like I was freefalling for a long time into my isolated * before I found this place.
I still go between relief and despair with finding about cptsd....my heart breaks at the realization that all of my feelings and thoughts and symptoms my entire life are real reactions to the abuse I suffered as a child. I hope you can get the answers you need. My next goal is seeking a trauma specialist..specifically for CSA...but this seems violently overwhelming at the moment so I just continue reliving the past in my own mind.

The most unexpected thing about trauma for me was just how strongly it swept back into my life after all this time of lying dormant.

I could not relate more to your words.

So the thing that really bothered me about this memory was why it all the sudden wouldnt leave me alone the day before yesterday....it isnt something Im focused on right now, its part of the bigger picture but for whatever reason it was all I could think about.  Now today I see it is the 10 year anniversary of this uncles death so bring on the posts about how loved and missed said uncle is. 

Is it possible my mind somehow knew this was coming up? Its not a date I have committed to memory but now just feel spooked because it was how much it was in my mind a couple days ago....it was a very bad day reflecting on what I wrote about in the post and today now I feel like his picture is triggering me of course,  but Im not sobbing today....Im numb to his image...dissociation...you know the drill.
Was my memories 2 days ago my mind trying to protect myself from today and his images and all the kind words about him...was this me protecting me? Did my subconcious remember his death anniversary coming and thats why his abuse came back to my mind so strongly? I know that these arent questions that can be answered, but do you know what Im trying to say? Im confused all the time by my EFs and real life. I am spooked.

I know these things run rampant in families.  The dysfunction allows for the perfect storm.
I have had such a hard road of discovery, constantly hopeful, then disappointed, the used, and back to being hopeful.

I'm sorry.  To me is sucks that the people who need the most support don't have the family to offer it.  They don't because it was that family that led to the need in the first place.

Hi Dee and thank you so much for taking the time to resond to me. I agree with your message and it really helps to see others who understand. I feel so alone, lonely, lost etc etc that speaking with you and others really is something I now look forward to. I hear you when you say that somehow you felt responsible for the abuse done to others in your family. You werent at all responsible.  Your abuser was the person solely respondible. But I can deeply resonate with feeling responsible.  I am starting to figure out that I was manipulated into my abuse but if I am honest I have always carried the burden of the "fault" myself. I have always felt responsible for the abuse done to me and it has exponentially increased my suffering bc I never spoke for decades precisely because I thought it was me, all my fault.  I hope that one day I can believe it wasnt. But it feels like I would have cut my leg off or something it is that much a part of me.