Without the TV on at night I talk to that little girl and then brave young mother. I tell them I will come help them, I tell them to hold on and I will be there with hugs and healing I say we will do everything all over again and do it right with love, and caring and listening and things will be okay and we will all be fine. I tell them that all they need is me and I am coming. I picture times there were tears and confusion and I cry, I remember the times of fear and I cry and I make promises that I know I can't keep so I turn on the TV and let it play all night.
My therapist and I have talked about getting my needs met, and except for pats on the back for the amazing things I do, which feeds my deepest need, and is never enough, I have none. I like and am liked but too close is too dangerous.
The deepest part of me is still behind walls and is convinced that I will screw up and put a foot wrong for sure and be found out, and I better be careful, and if I can't be perfect then I am useless.
I know exactly how, what and why all of that is rot, but things are carved in stone for a reason.
I am some better, after all there are only two walls left, albeit titanium walls, guarding the stone tablets. I mostly recognize my feelings, sure I sometimes still need a kick in the butt, but it happens. I see clearly how crying is important, but I still don't know how to want something I don't want or how to care about anything.
My therapist and I have talked about getting my needs met, and except for pats on the back for the amazing things I do, which feeds my deepest need, and is never enough, I have none. I like and am liked but too close is too dangerous.
The deepest part of me is still behind walls and is convinced that I will screw up and put a foot wrong for sure and be found out, and I better be careful, and if I can't be perfect then I am useless.
I know exactly how, what and why all of that is rot, but things are carved in stone for a reason.
I am some better, after all there are only two walls left, albeit titanium walls, guarding the stone tablets. I mostly recognize my feelings, sure I sometimes still need a kick in the butt, but it happens. I see clearly how crying is important, but I still don't know how to want something I don't want or how to care about anything.