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Sorry I'm so late to the discussion! But I really like Darlene Quimet! I got her e-book and her writing has helped me a lot   You can read all her writing on her website (emergingfrombroken.com). You can read that for free and I found some really helpful things, and the discussions under each article were also very helpful. I think I also got her e-book (it was a long time ago, from memory I downloaded it as a PDF from her site). She's battled with dissociative identity disorder, multiple personality, chronic depression, etc, all from childhood abuse. She shares her journey and some amazing insights, I must re-read it again now after a few years. But yes I think it's well worth checking out!

I struggle so much with work too   I'm 40 now and have struggled all my working life so far. I've tried different companies/industries/countries. I get so triggered by the interpersonal issues and I've had so many toxic workplaces. I've jumped around so much, sometimes lasting a couple of months, at most lasting 2 years. I always get to the point where it's intolerable and I'm desperate to escape again. I've worked in so many difficult places, where there's so much nastiness, backstabbing, awful bosses. Truly, my work experience has traumatised me so much more over the years! I live very far from my home country, and have been on the run really all of my adult life. I've been on disability the past couple of years (C-PTSD related), and just trying to get my depression/C-PTSD symptoms under control to be somewhat functional in my daily life. I really don't see how I'll work again or go back to work, at the moment I'm dependent on disability. It sucks, it's really hard, but at least it gives a small safety net and I can keep my head above water for now. Sending hugs to everyone else who struggles with this too, you're definitely not alone! 

Hi Catmama, I can completely relate to what you say, work has been so difficult for me over the years and it's taken all of my energy just to (somewhat) cope in the workplace and survive. I'm also in my 30s and reached a breaking point where I was unable to work and have been on disability for some time. I'm able to do some additional working from home, there are some companies where you can teach English to kids in China (you need a stable internet connection, and to be a native English speaker with a college degree). It can be draining of course, interacting with (often very young children), but it pays about 19USD per hour tax free and the extra income has helped me a lot. I also find because the children are so innocent it's refreshing, and I don't have the horrible toxic boss or workplace pressures I've had in the past. It may be a suggestion that is way off for you, but I thought I'd put it out there as it's been a positive place for me. I live in Europe so the Beijing evening hours are ok for me (6pm - 9pm Beijing time) but if you are in USA it's very difficult as it's around 2am.  There are other ''teach English from home'' companies that operate out of other countries so maybe the time zone issue can also be worked out. I still don't know what I can do longer term but I also worked in customer service and assistant jobs, and found they triggered my fawn (and then fight) response so much as it's always about ''keeping the customer happy at any cost''. I know in all jobs you have to keep the boss happy, but service jobs you also have customers/colleagues etc I think that can make it much harder. With the teaching you do need to be chirpy and happy, which can be hard when you're depressed, but you're talking to cute 5 year old kids who are usually excited to see you   I also love animals more than people and my cat has saved my life. I looked at jobs with animals but found the same thing, that they wouldn't cover my bills unless I did more training. I do catsitting/dog walking with Pawshake but the money is very low - so it is more a hobby I do sometimes if I have extra time/energy. Good luck and I can relate to everything you say, I know how hard this is!

Hi Andyman73, thank you so much for your kind words - they bought many tears and really touched me - I hope you also know that you are wonderful and  that you have made a new person feel very welcome and safe, thank you
And Jdog, I'm so sorry your father treated you so horribly, my father also wanted a boy and was very disappointed to see I was a girl. He was present in the delivery room and has told me (''jokingly'') of his disappointment at that time. He also couldn't deal with his job stress and drank heavily and was angry/abusive throughout my childhood. I'm 38 now and they are still alive, I wonder also how I will feel when they pass away. Take good care and I hope you know that you deserved so much better.

Hi everyone, I'm new here and it broke my heart to hear your stories - what you have suffered when you were tiny babies, it makes me so sad and angry. I don't think ''regular people'' have any idea of this level of suffering. I haven't had such an extreme experience as many of you, but I know I suffered very early emotional neglect. I think I first started battling depression around the age of 2, by 6 it was part of my identity. My mother was chronically depressed, father abusive alcoholic (also chronically depressed). I remember long, dark, lonely and quiet days at home with my mother. She went through the motions and did her best to keep me clean and fed. But I always had a feeling I was dead, or a ghost. A death in my soul; but not a peaceful death, a panicked, overwhelmed death-like feeling. Time stood still, the days were so long, inescapable, slow pain.  Life already feels far too long and I'm only 38. An extreme emptiness and lack of connection to life, that's how I've always felt. I started to hate myself very young (by 4 I think I had BDD, I was disgusted by my face and appearance). I remember trying to wash the freckles off my face. I felt so ugly and that I was a horrible girl. There was no sexual abuse but I think the lack of mirroring, attachment, attunement etc was what caused the depression & toxic shame. The abuse came later. I still struggle every day to try to connect with life, how to live when you never even had a ''Square one?'' how do you build a life and live among other humans who you really have such little shared experience with. Big hugs to everyone here and I'm thankful to join this community.

Hi Debora,
I'm going through the exact same thing right now, it's so painful, I wanted to let you know you're not alone
I realised my therapist is over her head and can't help me any further. Rather than kindly and gently having the self-awareness and maturity to acknowledge it, she sent me a somewhat ranting message where her frustrations with me all leaked out. I'd sensed some disconnect for a while, and even caught her yawning on a few occasions, so I had stepped back our sessions and tried to work through some things myself. I'd also looked for a new therapist but didn't feel any click either (and like you, could see through the ones I met and sensed they couldn't help me either, and could possibly make me feel worse).  I had a very nice therapist in my previous town that I lived in, who never made me feel as rejected and bad as this therapist did in the end. It IS a betrayal and I'm wary to put too much faith in a therapist. I know they really help other people, and in the past they have helped save my life! But right now, I feel like I'm best to do what I can myself and work on my daily self care, journaling and maybe finding a local support group. I've been in a prolonged flashback and it's very painful, I think some therapists can't handle the complexity of C-PTSD, and rather than acknowledge that, they will blame the client and get defensive. I'm sending you a big hug and please take good care, I know how painful this is.