What a wonderful thread! Thanks so much.
For me, I grew up with not abusive parents, but oblivious ones. I don't think it really occurred to them that anything other than feeding and dressing me was necessary to parent. No one ever spoke about what I would do once I grew up, where I would apply for college (even with my excellent grades), or how to deal with the usual social conflicts and politics of children and teens. I remember often feeling like I was just floating around in the world. I wasn't permitted to have needs or worries. I remember as a very young child realizing that it was bad to cry in front of my mother, because it only annoyed her. Most of my childhood I spent alone, as I was the youngest and my siblings left as soon as they could.
So, I learned pretty quick that pleasing people, agreeing with them, finding some common interest or opinion was how to be connected to them. I can be a real pro at this. In fact, I don't even have to think about it; I just enter a room and start reading people and aligning myself.
I loved your thread -- and I really mean that -- because it helped me understand how I got this way. The piano in the hallway is such a spot on metaphor for how I feel much of the time. What do I feel? Think? Want? Those feel like my to do list items.
But, no one actually gets to know me! And that includes myself. Now, I activel try to NOT do this.
For me, I grew up with not abusive parents, but oblivious ones. I don't think it really occurred to them that anything other than feeding and dressing me was necessary to parent. No one ever spoke about what I would do once I grew up, where I would apply for college (even with my excellent grades), or how to deal with the usual social conflicts and politics of children and teens. I remember often feeling like I was just floating around in the world. I wasn't permitted to have needs or worries. I remember as a very young child realizing that it was bad to cry in front of my mother, because it only annoyed her. Most of my childhood I spent alone, as I was the youngest and my siblings left as soon as they could.
So, I learned pretty quick that pleasing people, agreeing with them, finding some common interest or opinion was how to be connected to them. I can be a real pro at this. In fact, I don't even have to think about it; I just enter a room and start reading people and aligning myself.
I loved your thread -- and I really mean that -- because it helped me understand how I got this way. The piano in the hallway is such a spot on metaphor for how I feel much of the time. What do I feel? Think? Want? Those feel like my to do list items.
But, no one actually gets to know me! And that includes myself. Now, I activel try to NOT do this.