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Alias, I think that may happen to lots of folks.  I know this last month has been that way for me...thought I paid the car loan,but didn't. Did manage to pay the rent, then went bust for the rest of the month.  At least there is food and roof.  I am trying to absorb a lesson I learned from a spider.  I was leaving work one morning and had an apt with "talk" my consuler. I had some time to kill, so just sat in my car, listening to music. Everything looked black and white in this dingy, filthy parking garage. The sun was coming up in front of me, a bit off the left , for the most part blocked by a dark stand of trees.  In the corner of the window was a spider web, undulating in the breeze.  The spider herself, was huge, a glowing orange ball, weaving her way clockwise into the center of her web.  I watched amazed, as she spun her net. The sun hit the top of th web and it shimmered in iridescent glow. Nouthing but this little corner had color. I sat captivated by the image.  So much I have learned from this, but for now simply, each day the spider does it again, starts anew, with a new creation of her life, her work. I try to remember, get up, start again, it's a new day. No matter what levels of * I may have sent mys3lf to I do get to chose to start again with each new day. And also, if we look, every once in awhile the mundane becomes magical

Thank you Geneva for your kind words of encouragement. I really see no path at all right now, but am ok with that.  What I really struggle with, is keeping down manifestations of panic attacks while at work.  I need to work, and not be impaired while doing it.  Most of the time, it is not feelings at all, but rather the physical parts...hot flashes, extreme dizziness with nausea, profuse sweating basically unable to see or hear briefly..  Been to all the medical Drs, and in spite having abused and neglected my health, check out as healthy as a 20 year old.  Not hormones either, did that one over ten years ago and very different. My md offered antidepressants and atarax . I left the antidepressants, and tried the atarax. ..way too sedating.  So I'm working on mindfulness, using my eyes to focus on items in the room ect. Does anyone know of any non sedating calming, legal herbs I can try, because there is no help from my doc.  Or any other methods that have helped.  I also see a acupuncturist and we are address8ng trauma ,held in the body. I am unable to use flotation because I strongly trance and struggle to come back up.

Hi I'm a 60 year old women who lost her wife 2 years ago. I had just moved cross country and came home from work to find her dead.  She was all my world, family.

I didn't know I had CPTSD.  My mother was a evil tounge narcissist individual, very fearful and phobic. Everything out of her mouth was a criticism, a put down. I have no memories of comfort from her. My F, my "good parent" sexually abused me starting sometime before 7 years of age. Perhaps I was strange by the time I got to school, fellow students taunted and teased me. More put downs. Lots of fights,ect.

Left home at 14,  heavy into drugs, suicide, others looking to abuse me further. God kept me from the worse of it. Thankfully no record, somehow hung on with the hope it would get better. It would, then I would crash back to the black pit of despair once again. I never told anyone about the constant horror movies that would flash before my eyes. Or that I would be so dizzy, and barely present I would have no idea what they just said to me.  The constant body pains and stomach aches I just lived with. I had this all my life since very young, I thought it was normal.

I played at me being "we", all my childhood, only to find that it was not fanesty, I truly was a "we". For 20 years with my wife, I was pretty happy and stable. Still times of substance abuses, but modified , I loved my wife. We moved state to to state constantly, so no network of friends. No family. Thank God, strangers stood with me when I cremated her.  So I am alone, in a strange place, nouthing to go back to anywhere.

In my grief, the old trauma has come up and demanded attention. I have collapsed. All my parts are loud and risking exposure at work.  I will be talking , fade out then come back to myself and have no idea what was said or what to even say next.  I'm saying weird stuff to my bosses, and my inner child is telling stories to whoever may listen. I have a consuler, who I now see twice a week. It is so very strange that I have the most insight I have ever had into these things, but am the most fragmented ever. I am working as much as I can, so to keep the roof over my head, and work seems to help. I am having a very hard time accepting that my current anxiety sxs have all come from this..so angry..so out of  control.  I don't know what else to do. I'm going to tx and just waiting.  Never been this bad before.wmwxkk