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Thank you for all your input.

Blueberry - The funny thing is, I definitely don't think I was in an EF when these things happened. I was always with a friend and calmly talking/discussing something. I didn't feel particularly nervous, shamed or any other negative thing, either. Not until I realised what happened later. I can think of an insecurity of mine that connects the two events, though: they are both well-educated and intelligent and I have often felt the need to prove I am smart to people.

My job is also language-based and I live in a foreign country where I cannot fumble with words when trying to get things done. So, while the same thing has not yet happened in the other language, I would be very afraid if it started happening!

WeFalltoRiseAgain - I didn't feel that way these two times (didn't notice it happened at the time), but I have had this happen to me, too! Where I KNOW that I know the word and it is in my head somewhere, but for some reason it eludes me. They're not complicated words, either. Just very simple nouns.

I actually do laugh a lot, but if I don't see it coming (as with the situations I described), it's done before I realise.

If I do ever find a cure, I'll definitely be coming back here to share it with you all!

Woodsgnome - I did not experience this situation early on in my life. Maybe in young adult life, I had this with my uNMIL who nitpicks everything I say. Can that still have an effect on you? Is that why it's only happening now? Then again, I've distanced myself from her as much as I possibly could at this point in my life.

As for my family, my uBPDNmum is someone who mixes up words, uses one that's completely wrong and even makes up new meanings for existing words. I'm quite sure it's not because of some trauma she went through because the substituted word is consistent. e.g. Always calling a `balm' a `palm' every time. With me, it's random and I can use the correct word in another sentence within minutes of using the wrong one. Also, even if she is repeatedly corrected, she will return to the old substitute. I have always been afraid of becoming like my mother for many reasons and I admit that this mixing up of words also scares me.

I do worry a great deal about embarrassing myself or being humiliated because that was a common occurrence in my childhood thanks to all the bullies I had. I wonder if this has anything to do with it? I feel knowing the origin could also be helpful.

I notice I do this every now and again. I know both words and understand the conversation and everything, but it's as if I'll have a sudden brain malfunction and substitute an almost random word I know for the one I intended to use. I did this recently and felt so stupid and embarrassed the entire day after I realised what happened later. I never notice in the moment, but once I do I feel completely humiliated.

One example is that I was walking with a friend. He was very involved in the conversation, so much that he wasn't looking where he was going. There was a beam/pillar in his path. Obviously, I know the word for that. However, for some reason, `pole' is what popped out when I warned him. And all he could do was look at me, frowning and ask `pole'? He doesn't know I have C-PTSD, so I wasn't going to randomly explain it all right then.

Or, other times, I could use a word that is commonly used with another instead of the word I want. I was discussing work with a friend and colleague, when he mentioned potential copyright issues with an idea he had, hoping for my input. I meant to talk about avoiding `infringing a copyright', but said `seeking' instead, which made it sound like I would've intended to get copyright over the original artist after I blatantly took inspiration from their work.  Then I'm left wondering WHY did I say that? That is completely the opposite of what I meant! 

Does anyone else suffer from this? Is there anything that can be done?

Thank you for sharing with us. I heard of EFT before and I did a few minor things, but then at some point I just became too busy to learn the basics and really do anything with it. Maybe I should start getting serious about it again!

Has anyone ever managed it? I get wracked with anxiety, start shaking, going red in the face, feel my eyes watering... Inside it's sheer panic and a million negative thoughts a minute. I completely lose it. Has anyone else who suffers from this succeeded at becoming calm and collected during any type of conflict? Please note that, for me, conflict can be as tiny as simply sharing an opinion that differs. I won't have that bad of a reaction, but I'll still feel my heart thumping and my voice wavering ever so slightly. It's enough to make me incredibly self-conscious.

I have struggled with this for YEARS. Minor things are usually fine, but I have struggled with those in the past. Especially if I am having a bad EF.

My biggest issues today involve doing what I love. Strangely enough, I think I was doing just fine with writing and drawing when I was in the midst of developing C-PTSD. It was like my escape from my horrid reality.

My uNMIL told me over and over again that I would never do those things, they are a waste of time, I will never earn enough, I have no experience to do either of them well... etc., etc. She also pushed me to get work, specifically something secretarial (I'm not sure why she was so obsessed with that and disapproved of the work I was qualified for). She let me know how stupid, lazy, useless and worthless she thought I was. How much of a leech I was on my poor H and how I did not even deserve basic healthcare for `choosing' not to work (it was no choice, as it was forced upon me by my traumatic past and the rules of the country we lived in). Even if it was illegal for me to work, she kept harassing me to find something!

Following H around the globe, C-PTSD did not help with the huge amount of anxiety I had about finding job openings in a foreign country and having to interview in another language before I had reached a good enough level... uNMIL was constantly breathing down my neck about finding a job and my self-esteem was destroyed. I had no confidence in myself thanks to C-PTSD and her abuse, which was enabled by H at the time.

No matter how much I love writing and drawing, I can't bring myself to start unless it has something to do with my job. If it's for myself, it's like I am not even worth it. My life was already careening off the rails during my early teens, which meant a good education and career would never be reached. The collection of trauma ensured my almost straight A's would sink into failure by the time my exam results predicted my future. I guess I sort of feel like I'm too old now, all the talented writers and artists started young, so I should just quit and do my job instead of dreaming of something that's not meant to be. I am too old and too far behind to produce anything of merit.

The other issue is time. With a one-hour each way commute, a part-time job and lots of housework due to there being no dryers or dishwashers in this country, and not having a car for grocery shopping, I feel like there is no time. And what little free time I do have, I also like to spend with my H and our friends. I don't know how to fit it in. I also know that, in the beginning, there may be a great deal of sitting, staring and not actually doing anything, after which I will feel worse and like I have justified doing what I want is a waste of time.

I am not good at multi-tasking and having big breaks in between things. I have so many notebooks I filled with ideas for writing, or sketches for projects I wanted to transform into digital art, but then life got in the way and they just sit around, gathering dust. I don't know where I was in them, I don't know where to pick up from where I left off. I feel like I have to start over every time I go back to something I have been unable to pursue for a while, and that feels like too much of a burden. How did my passion become such a drag?

I used to be a perfectionist about it, but I have since seen perfection is not achieved without making mistakes and learning from them. That gave me the courage to take a few small steps, even if I do get frustrated with my early results. I just don't know how to deal with all the other things. I know, without a doubt, the idea it is a `waste of time' partially comes from my uNMIL. She herself loves to paint and has never sold anything. It's clear that she is jealous and wants to compete every time I have an artistic success at work. Despite knowing her abuse has come from a place of insecurity, her behaviour has still caused long-lasting damage to me and I have yet to overcome it.

Thank you for the replies.

Is it normal to have an inner critic without truly hearing it? i.e. It influences your thoughts and feelings without you noticing a distinct voice telling you that you are a host of negative things?

I can definitely take small steps, but I struggle with feeling satisfied with that.

[TW: Disturbing dream involving violence and physical harm]

For those who did this rewriting-dreams thing: do you have any recommendation for those of us who have nightmares that aren't classic nightmares of running away? While I do have ones about that, I also have nightmares where I am not even aware it is meant to be one until I wake up very frightened. Or it is the type where horrid things are happening and there is nothing that can be done. I have managed to become lucid during chasing dreams sometimes and either the danger dissolves or I fly away, but I haven't mastered a response to other types of bad dreams.

For example, last night I dreamt of searching for small orbs of light. In the dream, seemed like it should be a calm, fascinating and enchanting sort of experience, but at one point I woke up feeling very afraid and disturbed.

TW: Disturbing dream involving violence and physical harm








I also dreamt a friend sprained her ankle and someone went to `fix' it, but suddenly her leg had no flesh and he pulled the bones of her foot apart before I could reach them or yell for him to stop.

Does anyone know of any? I find this is something I have been struggling with the most for several years. I do not have access to a psychologist or therapy, but I think any resources would help me immensely. Someone mentioned there was a chapter on this in Pete Walker's C-PTSD book, but I didn't find that part.  If anyone can recommend anything else, whether it's a book, a website, or something else, I'd really appreciate it.

I used to be excellent at lucid dreaming and also dream recall, but eventually I had to stop. I was waking up to scribble down notes about upwards of 20 separate dreams every night and it became too much.

I have a lot of recurring dreams about three different topics, which I all believe have to do with how I felt during my childhood. One involves desperately needing the toilet and being unable to find a suitable place (I think it has to do with holding all my emotions in and never feeling I had anyone I could share them with), another involves huge natural disasters (basically, I felt I was doomed and trapped and that dream accurately reproduces those feelings), and the last involves getting hopelessly lost on public transport and being unable to get help or make the train/bus stop (being forced to live through things I do not want to endure, having no one to turn to, not seeing a way out). Sometimes these themes are combined with being chased by frightening creatures, whether it's one very large one or a whole pack of smaller ones.

Thank you all for your replies.

Unfortunately art classes in my location are ridiculously expensive and all are based in the centre of the city, which means it will be both costly and time-consuming. Considering not having a lot of spare time is already something that prevents me from really sitting down and trying to draw/write again, I'm not sure it would help. If I were anywhere else, I'm sure it would be. In fact, I had hoped I would have more space after moving here so I could create physical art as opposed to only digital. However, space is hard to find in this city. I would have nowhere to put anything I create.

Kizzie, I like the idea. I'm not sure if or when I would feel comfortable participating, but I think it would be helpful for more than just me. It's also encouraging to see others getting back into creating again. So maybe watching for a while would make me feel like joining in.

Elizabeth Jack, my parents were always encouraging, but my MIL is not. She has always made sure I know I'm not good enough and has told me I will never be able to draw/write. While I am sure that she is wrong, I do still wonder if that affects me today on a subconscious level. I want to write so many stories, but it seems I never find the time and then threads of them float away and are lost in the wind again.

I don't remember where I read this, but somewhere I learnt that this could indeed be a common symptom of C-PTSD.

It just seems as if I don't have the willpower to do what I truly want to do, even if I want it. Previously, I would have said I got distracted, I got depressed, then I was abused by my MIL, which led to me always hearing her voice telling me I was `wasting my time', would `never succeed' and that it was `impossible' I could do what I wanted to do. Other times, due to her abuse, I told myself I didn't deserve to have this time to write and draw, and that I should be spending it all on something else that would please her.

Even now, despite recognising all of these things and having spent time trying to work through it all, I just can't do it. I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager. Every spare moment was spent writing or drawing and now I either can't do it, or I end up feeling sad and useless, then quitting. The only time I ever spend drawing is at work, for other people. Why can't I have the same enthusiasm when it comes to doing it for myself? Why does every success I am proud of not remove this reluctance to sit down and practise what I love? It makes no sense, yet this blockade exists and I cannot seem to pass it. Can anyone help?

I don't think I have cold sores as bad as you, from the sound of it, but I do regularly get them. Especially if I am stressed and haven't been sleeping enough. I once suffered a severe illness and could barely eat because of all the cold sores.

I also recently developed Raynaud's and it does indeed occur when I am under stress, not only when I am cold. However, I also know someone who, like me, developed it after moving to this location. When he went to the US and I went to Canada, we got cold and didn't have it, but the moment we are back in this country, it returns. So I am not even sure it is genuine Raynaud's, or something to do with the diet here? Either way, you're not alone!

I just wanted to thank the last two posters for their helpful input.

sanmagic7 - We have come up with a plan together and he is more or less the shield between me and her. Generally, I have very little interaction with her. She only genuinely wants to talk to her son anyway, and I am fine with that. It's only when he is away on a business trip that she insists on talking to me once a week. Usually these talks are fairly positive, but she often can't resist rubbing in the fact that I am alone and sometimes says other harmful things. However, if that's all I have to deal with a few times a year, I am quite comfortable.

The only issue with H seeing her separately is that it will not just be her visiting; FIL will be there, too. And I actually get along really well with him. I get along well with the whole family. It's just her that's like that. So it's not as easy or simple.

I have done so in the past. Actually, most of the time it was genuine, but I remember getting into lots of fights because of my spending time alone, even if it was for a good reason. However, perhaps now it's easier with H on my side.

SweetFreedom - It's very interesting you should mention this toxic shame as my MIL was treated as never good enough by her own mother. She says all the time how she never wanted to make her own children feel that way, but it's okay towards their spouses, I guess.

Step 2 is something that took me a long time to realise. I had to move to the other side of the world before I could shut down that voice in my head that kept asking, `What will MIL think?' or even shouting, `MIL would never approve of that!' It was as if she was there all the time, watching and judging.

Step 3 is very helpful. I'll definitely check them out.

MIL is definitely the type of person who uses double bind. I learnt a while ago nothing I ever did would ever please her, so why bother?

Thank you for giving me so much information that will no doubt help me in dealing with my MIL! I appreciate you taking the time to get it all down!

Danaus, I'm thinking I might start singing `Anything you can do, I can do better!' in an annoying voice when she starts in with all her criticisms and `suggestions'. Or I can even remember all the things she had issues with and start listing them back to her when she mentions yet another thing and adding, `is there anything else in our home that's bothering you?' But if she responds normally by listing more issues, just saying `I see' in a bored tone and moving on.

Sanmagic, yes, it looks like H is planning to take a much more proactive approach this time because he sees how stressed I am. Every time I begin worrying, he says, `No, Sesame! I will deal with it' and states his plan of what he will say and do. It's a big improvement from last time.

We're both very happy with our home. It's just the dealing with her pushiness and aggressiveness about doing it her way that stresses us out.

Thank you for your input!

I have a solid plan of defence with my H and he is absolutely willing to defend me and confront his mother about her behaviour.

I'm aware of medium chill and grey rock, but my problem is that when *I* get too nervous, it's tough for me to think quickly and pull out the perfect medium chill or grey rock type of response. I need a quick and easy way to bring back focus and calm to myself... if such a method exists!

Particular boundary violations I'm expecting are mostly to do with criticising everything in our home. How it's done, why it's wrong, how her way is better... Perhaps even trying to rearrange things without permission. Being extra nosy about an appointment I couldn't avoid telling them about because it will have to be when they are here, but H will help with that. I may have to be on the alert for attacks on my weight. Race-related ones I am not expecting as much any more, but she's rather racist, so who knows? Oh, pushing H to move back to Europe may be on the agenda. Don't know if H will be on my side on that one because he's tempted and some bad things have happened at work recently. My reasons for not wanting to go back are not ones I am willing to share with uNMIL.

I wish I could drink, but I can't because of my genes. I get nothing positive from alcohol and all the negatives a lot earlier than any regular person would.

Supportive friends is a good idea, but I've told none of my friends here about uNMIL (we moved here two years ago and this is the first visit) and I would be concerned about her poisoning them against me if I don't get the chance to convince them of what she really is. Some people really don't want to believe MILs like that exist in the world.

Thank you for the suggestion of simply pointing it out as it is. IME, I think that will work well. I have noticed when I haven't bought her BS and have stared straight at her with a confused expression, it has made her uncomfortable and nervous. So I have to do my best to remember that and use it to protect myself.