Hi James,s
My father was the archetypal nice guy. I rallied against it for years and years but in vain. He could play the victim perfectly. He was also an alcoholic and expected things from me rather than being honest about what he wanted. But trying to reason with him around these things was futile. In other words, my identity as an autonomous adult was thwarted in his company. And, complicating that situation, my mother asked me to 'help' him shortly before she died. I realise now that her role was to 'help' him, and that she transferred that onto me.
As a 'nice guy', my father only wanted help from my mother, the object of his love, so you might see that the situation became impossible for me to manage, a young adult male trying to respect his dying mother's wishes to fix a broken father who was never interested in being fixed just getting what he needed to feel right about himself.
One of the worst aspects of that experience was that, because of the years I spent alone with him, I took on aspects of this victimhood dynamic. I tried to resist but it was hard, because of economic reasons and I was more or less dependent because I was still in education. I felt myself falling into this same 'nice guy' role. The resentments, the unspoken needs, the over reaction to being 'ignored'. I do feel that it is a very serious problem for society because these type of nice guy traits can be hard to detect.
Having said all that, through recovery and work I don't think I do that, or have ever fully done that. But, and it's important for me to note, that my only adult male role model very much operated like this. I carry a lot of fear that I'm subconciously doing these things. I feel 'infectious' sometimes and therefore stay away from relationships, or when I do fall for someone I fear my own patterns so much that I can't tolerate the stress of it all.
I ended up hating that 'nice guy'. It's a difficult situation to be in, to be at odds with other peoples' perceptions of someone. I'm sure many here would relate to that. Because I came to hate the (false) 'nice guy' I went the other way too far, and became obnoxious and avoidant just because I couldn't cope being around other people. I was that messed up. Years of work here, and in recovery rooms, has led to a bit of calm and self peace. But my family is still very difficult. They remind me of my own behaviour, and how they never acknowledged the 'nice guy' problems, even up to this day. There were things that my mother got the blame for but over all the strategy is denial.
This subject is very close to my heart, so hopefully this post isn't too long and stayed on point.
It's interesting that you say you hate who you were. I've rarely if ever heard that expressed, even though I feel that way about my past self. I took heart from your statement that compassion can come later. I do think this is important - therapy can emphasise being compassionate to ourselves (or kind/nice - see the problem!!) - when sometimes a healthy revulsion can be more beneficial. Thanks for posting about this. Even though it's difficult for me to read, it's really important that I understand what has happened was not my fault.
My father was the archetypal nice guy. I rallied against it for years and years but in vain. He could play the victim perfectly. He was also an alcoholic and expected things from me rather than being honest about what he wanted. But trying to reason with him around these things was futile. In other words, my identity as an autonomous adult was thwarted in his company. And, complicating that situation, my mother asked me to 'help' him shortly before she died. I realise now that her role was to 'help' him, and that she transferred that onto me.
As a 'nice guy', my father only wanted help from my mother, the object of his love, so you might see that the situation became impossible for me to manage, a young adult male trying to respect his dying mother's wishes to fix a broken father who was never interested in being fixed just getting what he needed to feel right about himself.
One of the worst aspects of that experience was that, because of the years I spent alone with him, I took on aspects of this victimhood dynamic. I tried to resist but it was hard, because of economic reasons and I was more or less dependent because I was still in education. I felt myself falling into this same 'nice guy' role. The resentments, the unspoken needs, the over reaction to being 'ignored'. I do feel that it is a very serious problem for society because these type of nice guy traits can be hard to detect.
Having said all that, through recovery and work I don't think I do that, or have ever fully done that. But, and it's important for me to note, that my only adult male role model very much operated like this. I carry a lot of fear that I'm subconciously doing these things. I feel 'infectious' sometimes and therefore stay away from relationships, or when I do fall for someone I fear my own patterns so much that I can't tolerate the stress of it all.
I ended up hating that 'nice guy'. It's a difficult situation to be in, to be at odds with other peoples' perceptions of someone. I'm sure many here would relate to that. Because I came to hate the (false) 'nice guy' I went the other way too far, and became obnoxious and avoidant just because I couldn't cope being around other people. I was that messed up. Years of work here, and in recovery rooms, has led to a bit of calm and self peace. But my family is still very difficult. They remind me of my own behaviour, and how they never acknowledged the 'nice guy' problems, even up to this day. There were things that my mother got the blame for but over all the strategy is denial.
This subject is very close to my heart, so hopefully this post isn't too long and stayed on point.
It's interesting that you say you hate who you were. I've rarely if ever heard that expressed, even though I feel that way about my past self. I took heart from your statement that compassion can come later. I do think this is important - therapy can emphasise being compassionate to ourselves (or kind/nice - see the problem!!) - when sometimes a healthy revulsion can be more beneficial. Thanks for posting about this. Even though it's difficult for me to read, it's really important that I understand what has happened was not my fault.
, a hug is always ok :-)
