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I'm glad I found this thread. It's good to know I'm not the only one whose parents were in complete denial of anything bad happening to me. "That never happened." or "You're making that up." I can't believe it would come out of their mouths! Wha? Am I crazy??? It took years of therapy to recognize how bad it all was, and when I mentioned any bit of it, they pretended I imagined it. It was like being betrayed all over again. I still doubt myself and still think I'm stupid. It never seems to go away.

I just wanted to tell everyone here that my T has helped me a lot with using Fraser's "Dissociative Table Technique" where all my "parts" are seated around an imaginary table (I wound up making a little painting of all of them) and we use it in therapy to discuss who is aware of whom, and who was present during difficult moments in my life. I have added some, and so far one has morphed into something else. There is a very critical one who has a dragon on top of her head, a  doomsday black hole person, a child, an adult/reasonable person, etc... Lately we have used it with EMDR, but not all my parts are invited when we do those sessions. Some are kept in a cage.

I might be an extreme case of having the fear of sleeping situation. I'm embarrassed to admit all this, but I don't really sleep at all. I can fall asleep with sleeping pills, but I will wake up four hours later and won't go back to sleep. I may get a nap in during the day, but I usually don't. I am scared to sleep next to my boyfriend of 20 years and he is the sweetest person in the world. I have feared sleep my whole life before he came along though. I've been messed up about this forever.

Hi ez linus
So glad you found the forum which I find so supportive and informative. That's quite something that you have written a book to help your healing and help others too. I know for me for many years I lived in disbelief of the past and being able to connect to the feelings and process has taken time and continues. Like u I think my m was borderline.

Sending you kindness and healing  with the next phase of your recovery.
Keep writing too much is not judged here

Thank you Boatsetsailrose, your reply serious makes me feel supported.

Hi, I'm new here. I am so grateful for stumbling upon this place, I can't believe my luck. (It's about time.)

I've already posted a somewhat long post in the Intro forum, so I will try not to make too long a post here.

I left a mainstream cult many years ago now. I was in it for 20 years, and I know that healing is life-long. I see that now. I entered in my formative years at 12, and the indoctrination was intense, despite what it might have looked like on the outside. I looked like I lived a regular life. Not regular by any stretch of the word, but no one knew I was brainwashed.

Before 12, I was already dealing with a horrific childhood. My parents shouldn't have had children, but they had two. My brother (3 years older) and me. They were obsessed with my brother, and literally wanted nothing to do with me, except mentally abuse me, or ignore, neglect, dismiss, or forget I was there. We'd moved 15 times before I turned 9. All because they fought and broke up. They'd get back together and we'd move again. They'd fight violently. My mom was severely bipolar. She broke everything in the house, had fits, go away for months to the hospital. We had "baby sitters" that passed out drunk in the living room while we ran free in the street. I never went to school. I have no formal education.

I talk about some of my abuse in the other thread. In a nutshell, my mom sexually abused me, then a few of my brother's older friends. Then I was raped by my own friend in my 20s. He was also in the cult so nothing was done about it. It's a rule that you never bring the authorities into disruptions. You must handle everything through their system of laws. Also, everything bad that happens to you is your fault. You did something in a past life or this life to "pull it in."

When I finally realized I was in a cult, I was too old to have a truly happy life. I'd been diagnosed with a chronic illness, and I was messed up beyond belief. I've been in therapy for many years. I wasted so many of my best years with them. Wasted them, and now they are gone. I've been managing with lots of therapy and meds, but I deal with a lot of depression. I apparently have bipolar 1 also, and there's that. I am often suicidal, or have ideations (all the time). I've only attempted it once. It scared me enough to start taking medication for my mental issues. I went through my entire life untreated. I never took a medication from a psychiatrist until my late 30s. Pretty sad.

Anyway. I didn't mean for this to be long! I goofed up, again.

Despite my dark feelings, I really do have a lot to offer. I am practically an expert on cults. I've read pretty much everything on the subject. Still, recovery is extremely challenging. 

Welcome to OOTS EZLInus, so sorry for all that you have been through but glad to hear you have started therapy and also found your way here, both things should help. 

Just wanted you to know there is a sub-forum for Religious/Cult Abuse here - http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=164.0 if you want to post about that part of your abuse there.

Thank you Kizzie. And I am glad you pointed me toward that. I will definitely go and participate in there. 

Pretty sure it's just hypervigilance,

Hi. I'm brand new here. I wanted to join in the conversation because I'm very highly sensitive -- so much so that I can't even put dishes away from the dishwasher. I hate the sound of dishes touching each other. Sounds hurt all the nerves inside my upper torso, back and shoulders. I feel traumatized by any loud banging (a hammer, someone moving furniture, putting down something heavy in the next room, etc.)

Interestingly enough I used to be a musician. Music is a lot different than sitting quietly, which I often do now, and then these annoying sounds are suddenly introduced.

I'm also an artist, and I've always taken on other people's anxiety. That is part of my trauma, and I know much of this comes from my traumas, but I also think there is a kind of brain-wired sensitivity that puts one on the spectrum. Some doctors call it Synethesia. I've had it since I was little. I feel sounds. Also, letters and numbers are in different colors. They actually have personalities, even genders.

I can't handle crowds. Can't have someone stand behind me.  Can't watch an action movie in a theater -- sensory overload.

Now, does anyone have an aversion to water??? This has been a lifelong thing for me. I hate water splashing on my face or chest. I mean, really HATE it. Every shower is hard to get through.

Thank you Three Roses, and Boy22 for welcoming me. I really appreciate it. I will poke around here and I promise not to post so long next time. I'll try anyway.  There's lots to see.

[I]

Hi, and first of all, I can't believe I found this place. I couldn't be more grateful. I am hoping this will be a healthy resource for me. And perhaps I have help to spare as well.

I've had mental illness my whole life practically, and been diagnosed with a plethora of stuff, but not until much later in my life. I can't believe I've just turned 50 when I still feel like a little kid. I was 40 when I finally sat down in front of a psychiatrist. To me, it was like sitting down with the devil himself, because I'd been conditioned to "know" that the entire psychiatric field was trying to ruin my eternity and harm the Earth. I'd had 20 years in a mind-raping cult from ages 12-32, and I was too fragile in the years before I finally sought real help after I got out.

Before I joined the cult, and during some of the overlap, I was abused. Many times. So many times and in so many ways, it's rather hard to believe. In fact, I'm about to publish a book and I didn't even include all of it because I didn't think anyone would believe the full version.

It starts way back, with the first being my own mother, who also had bipolar 1 (as do I), but I believe she also had borderline personality disorder that wasn't diagnosed back then. She verbally, mentally, and sexually abused me. The odd sexual abuse goes at least as far back as five (memories get cloudy before that). It stopped by seven, and I developed audio hallucinations right after, which lasted until I was eight. But that was nothing compared to her mind games, her name calling and put-downs, and she never cared about anything I did. I was ignored otherwise. Never even asked if I had homework, "how was your day?" ...nothing like that. My father too. I was a useless piece of poo.

We moved 15 times before I was nine. I hardly went to school. I was uneducated. I hardly has a friend. I've isolated my whole life. Still do.

At nine, one of my brother's friends molested me. It was brief, but so traumatic.

And then, at 12, another one of his older friends moved into our house and raped me repeatedly for two years. And my parents loved this guy -- thought he was the perfect young man. He was so polite. My mom never believed me. My dad just thought I was slutty when he found out.

He was through with me by 14 (by then he was 21) and moved onto another young friend of mine a year younger (13), and yet another older friend of my brother's manipulated me, didn't "rape" me, but it was statutory rape -- made me feel like he was caring for me after I'd been hurt by the other guy, but it was all just a trick to sleep with me. I felt like a fool. He was so mean to me after.

There was another guy still! I have vague memories about that one because I hardly knew him. I was on a lot of drugs and alcohol, but he was in his later 20s. I was still 14. His roommate (35) had been molesting my friend (15) for the past two years. None of us thought this was particularly "strange!"

Finally I left home just before I turned 15, but then I was into the cult pretty deep. However, I made a life. Brainwashed, but it was some life.

Then, at 25, my best friend of seven years, completely out of the blue, got wasted drunk and violently raped me. He was also in the cult, so no police were introduced into the situation. We just didn't do that sort of thing. In fact, I was "responsible" for it happening to me.

That's the gist of it all. Obviously, I have C-PTSD and I have mad DID. I have been disassociating since I left the cult, but I've been in therapy. I just started EMDR, like a week ago. That has been really rough! Now I'm here.

Sorry this was long!