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** TW**. I am sure my trauma started immediately after birth. I was given up for adoption at birth and spent 8 months in an orphanage (yes, in the US).  My adopted mother said I hadn't been held and had never seen solid food.  When I had kids, it always struck me when they were that age how much love, nurturing and teaching we had been through, and I can't imagine not having it (although the cptsd won't let me escape it). Now if only my adopted family (my FOO) hadn't ignored, ridiculed and let me know how worthless I was, along with physical abuse, ignoring the sexual abuse by a neighbor starting when I was three, I would definitely say the first 8 months were my core trauma. But who knows?

Seeing this really helps. I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling in a job that I was good at and that I like. And being terrified that someone will figure me out. I think I'm hitting my breaking point, though. I just can't concentrate or put on my game face.
Even these old posts help.

I have flipped through parts os his book, so at least I understand this is a symptom. Derealization, I think. I just don't know how to change it. That grounding stuff doesn't seem to help - I know I'm in the present.

Yes, I have a serious problem with feeling real. This is all new to me. I was just diagnosed after believing I had worked through all my issues decades ago. One conversation with my mom in July just rocked me and brought everything barreling back in spades. Diagnosed in September, in a mental hospital on an involuntary commitment a few weeks later. Doing therapy and adjusting meds, but super overwhelmed. Don't understand triggers or EFs or feelings. Just self hate, numbness and severe depression and anxiety. Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The very long tunnel.

I understand, Cyd. I am newly diagnosed with cptsd and have gone LC with my parents. I don't want to see them for the holidays, but I'm sure my grown kids will spend time with them.  It's confusing but also a relief. And who knows what will happen in the future. 

We think we are moving among the work, among the people.  But there are times we are just like ghosts - maybe a vague inkling we are here, maybe a draft of air, but we don't really exists.  If you could shine a special light on the shadow people, you might just see a brief shadow outline and a ball of lead.  The ball of lead would drop and pop like a water balloon, and then the shadow people are gone forever.  If they were ever there in the first place.

Everything is Grey to a shadow person.  Nothing has a taste or a smell.  The world seems like a shadow too. I never know if people can see me.  Am I really here?