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It can be so tough can't it notalone. And it can be pretty lonely too. But yes- let's celebrate how far we've come and our journey to our own wholeness :-)

You're welcome- I'm glad it was useful.

Yes I totally understand. It's a bittersweet feeling isn't it 

I just came across this article. It talks about feelings of regret and gives 5 questions  to reflect on. I just spent some time writing the answers in my journal and I found it incredibly helpful...

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-handle-regret

Ultimately I realised that I'm feeling regret, anger and grief because I AM healthier now and I now know what I didn't know then. If this wasn't the case then I wouldn't even be aware enough to  regret -  if that makes sense??

It really helped me to make space for celebration as well as grief. Celebration that I now feel more whole and together and that I'm always learning. It's also helped me to accept ALL the feelings and not worry too much about them as the worry and rumination was impacting on my ability to shine my new found self!

Thank you notalone for helping me think about things in a different way. Let me know if you end up doing the questions too- I'd love to know how you're getting on.

I thank God for this community that helps me in my darkest times 

Thank you for your reply notalone. Yes I can see what you mean- I'm just torturing myself with these questions and they're not helpful for me either. I don't want to ruin the all the good with comparisons to a life that doesn't exist by my inner and outer critic. I shall try to let these questions just pass by too.

Thank you for the validation. I don't want to hang on to all the anger forever and get lost in it but I think you're totally right. It is by truly feeling my anger that I was able to stand up for myself so it definitely has been productive.

I hope you continue to find peace with your situation too. 

Hi,

I just wanted to send you some support and let you know that I've found some comfort in your reflections. Your diary sounds so insightful and thoughtful and you've inspired me to write my own to make sense of my own experience.

I can really relate to your struggles with your in-laws and feeling controlled and overwhelmed by them.

Some things that helped me included taking a hyper-focus on learning about boundary setting and viewing interactions with them as a chance to practice what I had learnt. I got to the point where I was so unhappy that I could take the risk of it all blowing up in my face because my current situation just wasn't working as it was. I found the books on boundaries by Townsend really helpful.

I've also had lots of issues with my husband and feelings of regret and disappointment (I too grew much quicker than him and our relationship seems unbalanced). It got to the point where I told him what I needed and that it was non-negotiable and that I'd need to leave if I didn't get it. It wasn't a threat it was just part of me that I couldn't compromise on anymore. As a result he started going to therapy and now we're trying to build our relationship back up again, although it's not easy and I've lost a lot of trust in him.

Keep going on your journey and keep identifying and communicating what you need. I think the rest will fall into place. But it'll be so hard as it takes so much constant vulnerability, which can be so tricky for us. Above all be kind to yourself.  I found the books by Brene Brown really useful too.

I feel this way too- and I don't think anyone other than my husband would ever really know, which adds to the loneliness.

I've made sense of it by reading stuff about attachment. I think I have a disorganised attachment style which means I want closeness but I'm incredibly vigilant to any signs of danger/ emotional intrusion/engulfment.

At the moment I'm try to focus on being vulnerable and showing my authentic self - which I hope will get easier! The books and podcasts by Brene Brown have been really helpful for me- I would highly recommend :-)

Thank you for posting this! I also assume its about me! Your approach to widening you circle sounds really helpful and healthy.

Also just to add - I would guess that 'drama girl' senses that you can see through her BS! 

Could you be straight and honest with your dear friend and say something like  'I'd love to see you but do you mind if we just spend some quality time together one on one?'  It's certainly not an unreasonable request.

This might help you to communicate your boundaries with your friend and consider how you feel about her response. 

I could have totally written the second half of your post! The circumstances are slightly different but I just thought I'd share my experience and feelings in case any of it rings true for you too....

I have a group of school friends who I've know for 20+ years but the dynamics are very much controlled by one person. She has a lot of issues from her own past and seems to need to control everyone and keep everyone close. She's not very reflective or aware. She's known some of them since they were 2 years old (we're now almost 40) and I think it's just the dynamic we've all grown up with. They let her get away with it because she's had a hard life. But now I feel so much less tolerant of it. While I feel for her I also am not willing to loose myself anymore - when I've stood up for myself and said what I needed a few times there has been a massive fall out. I feel completely on the outside of this group now and I've felt so much shame around it- that there must be something wrong with me because they all seem to manage fine.

What I've realised though is that it's all quite superficial and they keep their emotional cards close to their chest.  they don't really share their authentic emotional experiences with each other, and their friendship is based around fun, drinking and partying. It looks much the same as it did when we were 20. They're generally nice people but I just feel like I don't belong and I feel on my own or Ostracised when I say what I need.

I think this is just what they know and for the most part they're happy to maintain the status quo. If I can get on board with this dynamic then it's fine and and this is is completely what I valued 10 years ago. But I'm different now and I value different things. I want to be in authentic relationships where my friends see and value the real me. Where I can say that I'm struggling and show up for them too. Where we can have fun AND cry together.  I don't speak much to the 'ringleader' now and I  generally avoid group stuff and seeing them as one big group.  I try to connect with the friends I feel a connection with on an individual level. But every now and again I forget and I feel like I want to be included - but then I remember why I don't do  group things! This is still hard for me because  I still can't shake the shame I feel that I don't belong and that I'm on the outside, and I feel that there must be something wrong with me. Either that or I end up second guessing myself that I'm being self-protective and pushing people away. 

Writing this has actually made it seem a lot clearer though (so thank you!). The friendships I have developed more recently have definitely felt more supportive and two-way and I'm trying to focus on the individual friendships that support my growth rather than needing to fit in with cliquey groups. 

I don't know if you can't relate to any of this or ether it's helpful in your journey, but just keep growing and being kind to yourself along the way.

I just wanted to reach out too. I really hear and feel your pain and loneliness. It feels like an ongoing battle sometimes doesn't it? I've just posted something similar to your experience in the post above yours.

Firstly I would agree with everyone else who is posted - be kind to yourself and practice as much self compassion as you can. Thank about what you would say to someone else in your position. This is not your fault and all you can do is try to  be authentic and communicate your boundaries.

Im a big believer that communicating healthy boundaries in a kind way can help other people on their journey too (even if you don't see the benefit immediately). If your friend looses you as a result of negative behaviour this may be another piece in the puzzle that helps her to make changes further down the line. I guess that doesn't necessarily help you right now but just keep doing what you're doing, communicate your boundaries and realise there is nothing wrong with you- we're all just learning. I do so relate to the feelings of shame you seem to be experiencing.

It sounds like you're already feeling so much healthier than you were when you met this person but maybe by having such an intense relationship with this person you've had less time to develop others. By saying no to some of these patterns and interactions hopefully you'll be more free to develop some other (healthier) relationships.

Just by writing this to you it has helped me so much! I couldn't quite say this to myself because I couldn't see through my own shame.

I've found Brene Brown's books and podcasts on belonging and shame so helpful. And also the book 'safe people' which is written by two Christian psychotherapists and fits well with christian teachings (although it by no means a Christian only book!)

Wishing you light and love.

Hi all,

I haven't explored this board much before and I'm going to have a look after I've written this but I just wanted to post about my experience to make sense of what I'm thinking and feeling at the moment.

I've just had a bit of a revelation about how I've approached friendships over the years. I have lots of friends, some of who I've been friends with for over 20 years. I've never been that secure in their friendship and I've pretty much always felt (and put myself) on the outside.

After reading 'raising a secure child' ( which I would highly recommend for any parents reading this) I realise that I am 'safety sensitive' in relationships- this means I desperately  want to be close to people but I'm constantly on the look out for danger (i.e. being intruded upon, being abused and rejected). This sensitivity sets the scene and plays the background music to my life. In the book they call it shark music and suggest that when we notice it we can turn it down. Well I'm noticing it everywhere! 

I've realised that this is probably why I've always felt so on the outside as I've wanted to be close to friends but not too close that they might need me or overwhelm me. I'm constantly analysing whether I belong and whether I'm valued and liked. And also whether I like others.  I've also never wanted to end friendships because I want everyone to like me. As a result I have lots of people in my life who I don't feel very close to. This was fine in my 20s when my relationships revolved around partying but as I grown older and healthier I realise I want more from my relationships.

Over the past few years I'm beginning to learn to communicate my boundaries and show up more authentically, which has meant that I've not ended up  maintaining contact in some friendships. I've also moved about 2 hrs away from everyone I know. Part of me wants to try to forge closer bonds with the friends I already have and part of me thinks I should make new friends and have a fresh start. I guess in reality it might end up being a bit of both but right now I feel so lonely, lost and stuck. Covid really isn't helping and I feel like I'm in limbo between 2 worlds and two lives!

Thank you for reading this and hearing my experience- I just  wondered if this resonates with anyone else?

Hi all,

I've not posted for a while but I'm really struggling again at the moment  with grieving life 'choices' I've made as an adult. 

I've done lots of work through self reflection and therapy and I've felt a lot of grief over my childhood, which has really helped. As I get healthier I'm now grieving my early adult years and the way I have approached relationships- I've realised how unhealthy my 8-year long marriage has been, and the toxic and sometimes emotionally abusive patterns that existed - these experiences haven't been anywhere near as abusive as my childhood, and as it was comparatively good, I think I've then tolerated it for longer than I should have.

Over the past year I've communicated really firm boundaries about how I want to be treated and my husband is taking responsibility and seeking help. Part of me is so proud of where we're both at and I feel really grateful that we're on this journey together. But part of me feels such a huge sense of regret that if I had been healthier I would have chosen to marry, and had children, with someone healthier- or I would have at least put a stop to the damaging patterns sooner.  I want to stay with him for a number of reasons but part of me can't help feel angry, disappointed and victimised that I'm continuing to pay for the trauma through my life choices.

I was just wondering if anyone else has felt and been through similar and what helped?

thank you for your replies. yes i guess it does make sense that having such a feeling would put us back to when we had that feeling before. I guess for most people the first time they watch horror movies or go on theme park rides would be the first time they feel such an intense rush of adrenaline but for me and you and others our experience was much more real and threatening.

I personally can't stand the suspense and not knowing what's going to happen next, I guess it relates to waiting and being hyper-vigilent as a child.

Thanks as ever its nice to know I'm not alone

HI Hypervigilante,

Thank you for your reply and i'm glad it was also helpful to you. I know what you mean about laughing it off but the inner critic inside is screaming.

I went through a phase recently where i kept thinking i had lost something and berating myself (i almost broke int tears on the train for being so stupid) but then realising I hadn't lost it all. I had actually lost something important in my life though so that feeling of having lost something was very strong generally, maybe i just assumed I had lost everything?? The mind is so complicated!

I try not to make a big deal out of it either way or now if i lost something i try to show how I'm really feeling a bit more. it means i'm true to myself but also as an off shoot i've found people are then quicker to be kinder and reassure rather than berate and tease. 

Keep posting on how you get on.

CC

Hi Inventor, thank you fr your reply and sorry for my (very) late one.

thank you it is always reassuring to hear what other people have been through and how they have dealt with relationships, although i'm also sorry that you had to go through all that.

I find it so hard working through all this stuff but it's so comforting to know there are people out there who totally understand the pain and turmoil this creates

Thank you