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Hope I can find a decent therapist to work with someday too. I want to broaden my life so that I have more colours in my life. At the moment im having such issues with anxiety, and with my mind drifting into issues about the past. Finding it difficult to enjoy the present, or to relax, or to just be. So instead im 'doing', ticking lots of things off of a list, but its leaving me very tired, and feeling like my life is currently just a list of unpleaseant hurried tasks. I hope this will pass and evolve as time goes on.... I tried to speak to the Samaritans yesterday as Ive found this helped give me additional perspective in the past, but they were again too busy for the second day running. Sadly, it seems this is a tough time for a lot of people. Blueberry, Im glad to hear therapy is helping. Its nice to hear its possible to cope and move forward with these difficult things.

Reading the posts of support have helped me calm my fears a bit. Im just finding that I feel a lot of confused emotions over my no contact abusive mother at the moment after having to report her to the police for the stalking behavior. A minute ago I really felt I could not cope without contact with her, and missed her terribly. I have such a hard time accepting I wont be able to get the healthy relationship with her I have wanted my entire life. I know its the case intellectually speaking, but emotionally , I can tell I just cant accept it and it breaks my heart.

I'll check out the link soon. Been struggling the last 24 hours. Hopefully today I can rest a bit.

Wouldnt you know it, I get up much earlier than ususal to go do this unpleasant thing...and am told there's an error and will have to wait 5 weeks, I spoke to the head person to complain, and they then made literally four further errors which would have been costly had I not caught them and pointed them out! Total chaos there. sigh. Really wanted to get it over with today, I really desperately did.

Very tired now.

Re the animal thing, I'd be interested to know what people would choose for their babysitting animal too-I'll start with a Seal please! Stinky fish breath, but worth it for the cuddle factor.....

Interesting idea Blueberry. I like it. I decided to go for the choice tomorrow. Trying not to think about it for now, but fingers crossed. It's kind of in a couple of stages, one being tomorrow, and the other will probably take a few days. One step at a time though I guess.

Im trying to give it whats needed (It's a 'he' by the way), but it's difficult with all the things im dealing with at the moment. Have a difficult choice to make about something for this thursday... either a last minute rush to get everything ready in time for Thursday to do something very unpleasant (but it would at least be over by Friday), or to postpone it until 5 weeks from now (far too long to wait!)

Im having real trouble deciding, especially after all the other upsets recently.

Feel very shaky inside, like a well of hurt. Kind of scared to deal with it/try to accept it. Guess dont have to do all at once, should take breaks, do things to take my mind off from that sometimes. But part of me kind of wants to deal with it all at once-or feels like unless I do, that I'm somehow lying to myself and not acknowledging the full hurt and pain.

I guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

Turns out ALL the police information I was given was wrong and a waste of time, and they could have just called me and done it over the phone instead of telling me I would have to go to 2 different stations and waste three days.

Did the report over the phone. Cops said they'd go to parent house and warn them off doing anything similar and that they face arrest if they do it again. Now I feel loads of guilt, fear and self doubt over taking such action. Crazy isnt it? I feel fear and guilt for simply enforcing my rights as a human that were being repeatedly ignored and that caused me huge distress.

Counter intuitively, I fear some abstract form of emotional rejection and being cut off by the FOO, even though I chose to go NC. I feel like im about to be 'punished' for my action. I guess its the child within me that was always raised with the messages that Im "not good enough" on my own, "not strong enough", "couldn't be happy" unless they were involved, "wouldnt cope" without them etc, etc.

Feel such pain today because of it. And because its come to this. Feels almost like a funeral in some way. I know I had to take the step I did, but its so upsetting.

Thats exaclty what I thought too three roses-that they had plenty of chances in the past to have a good relationship. I feel a bit better about the letter after giving myself some time to switch off from it.

Tuesday entry
Unfortunately today, Im again waiting (third attempt now) the whole day to see the police to take my deposition about the stalking incident. Very stressful. Third entire day handed over to just waiting-and we all know how its gonna turn out too....

Im having a difficult time, and just wanted to thank you for your post. It gave me insight into my own FOO issues, rang a lot of bells, and your follow up post helped me to realise some things too. I hope you are doing well and moving on with your life in good ways.

That drives me crazy too when I hear it. The other one I hate is 'Well, it's genetic', when excusing the actions of parents, or sadly, blaming themselves only, for the troubles they have, instead of considering the role of their early upbringing.

Gaslighting letter from my FOO NC sister arrived today. Making vague claims about my NC parents mental health going downhill suddenly. And my other NC sister's too. All coincidentally 'apparently' at once....  Hinting I'd "better go and see them all before its too late". The usual emotional blackmail and plays on my fears of death. Strange, because when my parent was stalking me the other day, they seemed in great health then....

All the usual hallmarks of them all getting together to plot and plan conniving ways to manipulate me into doing what they want. As they always did. As I saw them do countless times to manipulate other people. All the usual signs of inabilities to just tell simple truths, Or to show straight emotions, or to simply be kind. Or to respect my wishes of just going away.

Yet of course it does play on my fears, and those fears are now somewhat triggered. Im trying to remind myself that those are just that - my fears. But I worry that, in the middle of the night, I'll wake, racked with guilt and upset.

Thanks, sis.

An hour after the slot given me, I got a call saying they wouldnt see me today. They said I could book any other time and to call when I liked.

So I called today at 1pm ish, said could do anytime. They said come to the station at half two, you'll definitely be seen quick.

I got there, nobody wanted my reference number, or the Operation codename I'd been advised to use. The guy at the desk I was explaining to said he just wanted to check something and didnt come back for a half hour. When he did, I said I'd appreciate it if he would tell me he was going to be so long next time. He told me not to be rude. Im proud to say I stood my ground and stated it was not rude to simply calmly state a reasonable request.

He was useless. He was just a clerk and not really affilliated with the police, had no idea what to do or anything. But it did become clear that I'd been given rubbish advice by the policewoman who spoke to me on the phone and had told me to come in today at half two. Now its clear I have to go to a different station altogether. So much for the much publicised 'crackdown' on stalking my local police force is having.

I then went to collect the painkiller medication from my pharmacy, which, yet again, they hadnt ordered enough of for patients, so were out of stock. Tried four others. Same story. Each told me different things. 'It takes five weeks to order'.' Its only available at store x'. 'Its no longer being produced'. Went to a fifth pharmacy and they told me all that was rubbish, and they had it available. Went to put it in my bag and my coat got caught in the zip and nearly tore it, took 10 minutes to get it out.

Visited the local Samaritans branch as Im just overwhelmed. Spoke to someone and was uncomfortable but just felt a need to unburden all this. Was close to tears and was about to cry, something very hard for me to do, when there was a knock at the door. I felt shocked and expected the person I was speaking to to ignore it. Instead she shouted for them to come in. She asked the first person if shew wanted a drink then left. I know Im in a fragile very upset state, but I just didnt think this was how it was done there, and it really upset me. Especially since I'd nearly shown some vulnerable things.

I made my excuses and left quickly. I was-I am-numb, shocked by everything lately, and just cant cope with this. Im not suicidal, but I just cannot take this anymore. Im trying my heart out to do everything youre meant to do-seek out help, report abuses, take care of yourself, etc-but it just feels like its not possible and like nobody (separate from this forum) gives a flip.    

I didnt really want to post such a long thing like this-I WISH I had happier things to report and fear I sound so negative. I HAD to sound off here though, if only to get it out in the open somehow.

I dont know what my next step is. Im so angry at the policewoman who gave me the wrong information. I dont have the energy to call them again and arrange yet another appointment they'll cancel. But I DESPERATELY want this over with and the crime fully logged so that if it happens again, they'll have immediate reason to take firm action.

Separate to this, I want to say thanks again to everyone who's sent me well wishes, virtual hugs, said they were thinking of me. I worry I come across weird when I reply, but I just know that they do give me a boost and help me.

Thank you. And yes to you Blueberry, theyre *definitely* okay, and *much* welcomed right now. Any support or well wishers are definitely welcome right now.

Im currently waiting for a phone call from the police to tell me theyre ready for me to come down to the station to go through what happened. Im afraid they'll cancel though as they said they dont have many officers. From what they said before I thought it was guaranteed they'd see me today, which upsets me deeply as I desperately want this over with. Didnt sleep until about half 5 in the morning.

Im very shaky at the moment. Sitting by the phone for another four hours. Fingers crossed.

entry for tuesday

yesterday was not good. realised i'd confused dates and a legal issue (due to a utility bill I'd gotten behind on) was due not in a month, but in a week. spent the entire day and most of the evening rushing around in a numb haze to sort things out best i could. it spilled into today too. in fact i've only just now gotten it sorted. a lot of hassle though.

cant say how much im dreading tomorrow. i shake when i think of it.

its the day of going to the police to give a detailed report of the recent stalking by a parent.

im dreading how much background they may ask me, history, relationship, past abuses etc.

the thought of having to go through some of that especially with strangers is horrific to me. i suspect i'll be numb for a couple of days then get hit hard and be in pieces for a week.

then there's a medical thing to look into the week after.