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I love this thread!  I love using markers and also oil pastels to doodle and unwind and yes, it does connect me to my inner child.  Something about getting lost in colors and shapes is very soothing to me and it's nice that you can easily cary a notepad and pastels around with you. 

I actually never read this, but I heard an interesting podcast about this book "The Thin Book of Trust", and maybe it'll seem interesting to you?  It seems like it's taking more of an outside-in approach, and sometimes for me, that way of working can feel invalidating and bring up my tendency to mold my behavior to what other people are needing/wanting.  But maybe it's a good resource for you?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0966537394/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&colid=2X4HIBW9DWHBF&coliid=I2AILTV5TXRQN0

Gorgeous!  Thanks for sharing these beautiful words that make my Inner Critic rest and my heart expand. I especially love the line about how "loneliness is still time spent with the world". 

I like the idea of this thread; throughout my life poetry has been a respite from the harshness I feel around me.

A poem that's been helping me as I launch into recovery mode is this one by Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks).  (Even though, "work" can be a bit of a trigger word for me, as I got a lot of shaming as a child for my work not being of value.  Looking back, I did plenty that was valuable and kind for my family, but my actions were never acknowledged.)

The Sunrise Ruby

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, lover and beloved awake
and take a drink of water.

She asks, Do you love me or yourself more?
Really, tell me the absolute truth.

He says, There is nothing left of me.
I am like a ruby held up to the sunrise.
Is it still a stone, or a world
made of redness? It has no resistance
to sunlight. The ruby and the sunrise are one.
Be courageous and discipline yourself.

Work. Keep digging your well.
Don't think about getting off from work.
Submit to a daily practice.
Your loyalty to that is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking, and the joy inside
will eventually open a window
and look out to see who's there.

Hi C.,
Your appreciation means a lot to me!  Sometimes it's easier for me to feel protective of other people than it is for me to feel compassionately towards myself, and I like how you noticed the good in me.  That's an antidote, for sure, to the shame I've felt about the relationship with that therapist.  Also, it feels good that you wrote about your own experiences with being intuitive, and your own struggles with a therapist.   

Honestly, at this point I don't think I'd even want to read the records she kept on me (I mean, if she even kept records, I think maybe her hedging is possibly because she neglected to do so).  But I'm thinking I might make a formal request, like you said, just so if there is anything, at least I'll have that little piece of me in my possession.  I was going through a hard time when I saw that therapist, had some really hard things happen to me, and if I think about it like "something that happened to this young woman", then I feel like that young woman deserves her records.  I'd be scared, actually, that whatever she recorded about me would be hurtful to read.  I mean, obviously, she didn't think much of me if that's how she chose to 'terminate' our 2 year relationship.  But maybe I'll get the records and instead of reading them, I'll make a nice little shrine out of them.  The question is what would it be shrine too?

hey lovely people

has anyone ever had a therapist suddenly stop sessions or stop returning phone calls?

I didn't know, but actually this is a really unethical thing for a psychotherapist (at least in my state) to do. 

I've had it happen once, and it also happened to my ex when we were together.  I still think about how it happened to me.  It was pretty weird.  I was taking psychic development classes at the time, and so I was all about trusting my intuition.  My therapist told me she had a death in her family, and I told her that I had a feeling that had happened (because I did, I got a very strong sense that someone in her life was passing).  Then she said she'd decided to divide her client files into 2 piles: one pile was people she'd continue to see, the other pile was people who she was referring out.  I was in the referring out pile.  I asked, since she was still keeping a practice going, if I would be able to ever see her in the future?  Maybe she couldn't see me every  week, but surely, every now and then if I needed a session?  She said, "don't call me."  Then she wouldn't send my records or even talk about what we'd covered with my next therapist.  After months of not returning her calls, the only thing she would say to my next therapist was "I admired her spirit." 

Like I said before, I didn't know at the time how unethical she was.  I felt so ashamed and completely blamed myself.  I think I even wondered if she somehow thought I was responsible for her loved one's death.  Even now, as I think about it, it doesn't really make sense to me.  I think about other things she said to me, like once how she said that I was wanting "perfect empathy" (as if this was too much to ask of her), and I really wonder about her.  She's an older woman, and she always stressed how much experience she had.  At our first meeting, she said I was lucky to have her as a therapist because of all of her experience.  I just wonder why she was a therapist, and what she thought she was doing. 

My current therapist says that she was cruel to me, maybe because she could be?  And that it's a testament to my desire to heal that I continued seeking therapy after that. 

Anyways, it was really messed up, I feel protective now of people who are in therapy because man, it's so vulnerable to be in the position of spilling your guts to someone who you respect and who you are trusting to have your best interests at heart.  I also hope this message doesn't scare anyone from seeking treatment.  There are really good clinicians out there too. 

grateful to have found this forum
like i'm coming out of amnesia
like maybe I'm ready to start being myself (whoever that is), maybe that would be a person worth being.

Thankyou Hysperger and Trees for your replies!  You've given me a lot of food for thought.  I'm waiting for the Walker book to come in the mail, and can't wait to get started on it.

Also Hysperger, I'm so sorry that your dad and brother were like that.  That's no way to treat a child.   

Creativity is definitely something that has helped me!

When I was a kid I decided I needed to become an actress.  I learned a lot and finally had a place (the theater) that I could call "home".  Looking back, I can see how resourceful I was to find a place where I could play act the developmental steps that usually happen in intimate, loving, family relationships and that lead to the creation of a healthy identity! I mean, it was more of a band-aid than a substitution, but it helped me greatly to learn about intersubjectivity in that way.  I can only imagine how much more wounded I'd be if I hadn't had acting.  There's a chance I never would have learned empathy.  And so I'm CPTSD instead of NPD!  Yay!   

My sister was a bully.  It brings me such shame to write that, my cheeks are burning and I feel vomit coming up my throat.  I mean, who's such a suck that their own sister can bully them?  Why couldn't I protect myself?  I must have done something to deserve that.  If I dared fight back, she'd always have some reason why it was OK for her to treat me like that.   Her abuse (physical and emotional) was an endless cycle and constantly in the air around me.  My parents were extremely checked out and the only way I could get their love was by taking care of them.  But if my sister saw any sign of me bonding with them, she'd make sure to punish me somehow. I live far, far away from my foo now and I'm basically LC.  (Though I don't think they really notice me enough to realize that.) 

So anyways, my sister, to this day, thinks that I'm just completely in the wrong.  She's always kept a running tally (it's extremely long now!) of every thing I've done that displeases her.  Except in her mind "displeases her"=being an irresponsible/selfish person, and there's no changing her mind about that.  She's someone who has a very strong sense of right and wrong, but doesn't realize how self-serving her perspective is.  Once my 4 year niece was upset about something, and my sister brought her to her room.  I accidentally heard my sister tell my quietly sobbing (and eager to please) niece, "You just CAN'T be like this. Stop it."  My niece's feelings were an inconvenience to my sister, just another thing that had to be stopped through shaming and excluding.  But I think, to this day, I'm the only one who sees through my sister, who sees how much she dominates through emotional rejection. Everyone else (including/especially my parents) seems happy to fall in line with her domineering ways. 

I've been reading a lot about family systems, and it fits that my sister (the eldest) developed the coercive style in response to our parents' emotional neglect.  And me, I became a fawner, a freezer, and finally a fighter (though I still tend to rotate through those 3 fs).  It was comforting to learn that it's a pattern that happens in other families.  But in therapy, I just go around and around in circles trying to figure it all out.  I mean, in a lot of ways, I haven't been a great sister.  I used to try (and I still try to be an adequate aunt to my nieces), but interactions with my sister are sure to cause EFs, self-doubt, dissociation, hyper-vigilance, the works.  And so I moved far away and every day it's a struggle to put myself first.  I'll see things in bosses, co-workers, friends that remind me of her and I'll feel so terrified. 

The other thing my sister will say is that she was only a kid too, and that it was also hard for her (and that she doesn't even remember bullying me, so...).  And my T has been trying to get me to feel some healthy anger towards my parents.  And yeah, I'm angry at my parents, but I blame my sister.  I know that's not right, and cognitively I can see that my sister's behavior was part of a system.  But in my heart, when I'm not blaming myself, I blame my sister.  But when she started bullying me she was just a little girl, so what could she know? 

Hi Cat,

I just wanted to let you know how good I feel reading you expressing your hope and optimism!  I hope that exploring your creativity proves to be a rich and enlightening experience.

Hi,

I've been reading these posts and seeing so much that I can relate to.   I've been so ashamed of my experiences and I'm just now beginning to understand that maybe, just maybe, it all wasn't my fault.  And maybe it's OK to have my own feelings.  And maybe I'm not crazy.  It's almost like coming out of brainwashing.  I just ordered the Paul Walker book. Thanks to everyone for sharing!