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I have been feeling that way too lately Spryte. All the time, for weeks (months? Years?)on end. I understand what you mean by fractured, and feeling like a different person depending on the group of people you are surrounded by. I feel like who I am in my personal life, and who I am when I'm at work are completely different people. Like the person I am in front of my coworkers is who I want to be, the person I feel deep down I "should" be. Then there's me outside of work, marginally functional. I am so exhausted when I'm home that most of the time I don't have much motivation, I smoke weed to dissociate and escape into my computer or my TV. I have the energy and motivation to play with my son, love and nurture him and make sure he is well taken care of. Sometimes that is all I can muster though. There's no will or energy left to get to the dishes, or calling to get my health insurance reinstated, or vacuuming, but especially socializing with friends or family. I feel so much pressure and anxiety when asked to go out with a friend, or have a playdate with my Sister and her kids (even though she lives 3 blocks away and we have a good relationship). Things that should be a nice way to spend time on your day off seem so overwhelming, exhausting, even scary. I always feel anxious that whomever I am visiting with will know I'm high because my eyes will be red, or I'll say something dumb because I've been smoking weed and they'll think I'm an idiot, or just a stoner, or a bad mom. I want to spend time with these people, and I'm sure they don't really judge me that harshly, I know my family and friends all think I'm a great mom.
I just have this anxiety about being in public, being outside of my house, because I feel like I am not a functional adult but a traumatized child or emotionally stunted teenager and everyone will see that just by looking at me. I don't feel safe when I feel others might see the things I feel ashamed of. So I have to alter my persona. to be different than myself so no one will see the true me, the one who is marginally functional. It keeps me safe, they can't see my fatal flaws if I don't show them myself at all... I don't know, I'm just beginning to understand all of this. I just keep telling myself to be gentle, love myself, try not to judge, and self soothe in whatever ways I can, try to live mindfully.

My life is better now than it ever has been, things were a lot worse when I was younger. I am raising my son the best I know how, and learning more everyday. That's the most important thing to me, to take care of him the way I wish I had been taken care of. And to take care of myself the way I wish I had been taken care of too...
I must say I find so many familiar thoughts and feelings in the posts on this forum, but your words really resonate with me Spryte. It's funny, I never thought anyone could really get the way I think and feel but it's obvious to me now that some people do.

I am so overcome with relief to hear it put that way Cat, you are right. I really believe I would not have survived my teen years when my symptoms were at their worst without smoking pot to cope. It has worked for me for a long time. Though I do agree with some of what I learned in therapy about my drug use - that it is not benefiting me as much as it used to. There are other healthier coping mechanisms I could be using. It's going to take time, and self love and acceptance to get to the point where I can cope sober. I'm learning ways to self soothe and take better care of myself every day. Someday I hope I won't need to rely on it so much anymore.

Thanks Kizzie, it's nice to hear someone speak with an accepting attitude when I admit to self medicating with marijuana. Most of the time I spent in therapy I was seeing drug counselor because my T was concerned with my drug use. Although I use it daily, and have not been able to go more than 48 hours without "medicating" I have never felt I truly fit the addict classification. I received a good deal of judgement from the Ts at the center I was going to, and that was in part why I stopped going to therapy there.

I have read about studies concerning cannabis and PTSD, and also psilocybin being used to treat PTSD. I find these studies interesting and they give me hope that there will be more breakthroughs in the future. Especially the psilocybin study, they showed some REALLY promising results in lab rats.
Though most days I feel like a criminal and a bad mom for smoking. I quit smoking cigs, quit all the other drugs I used to partake in when I was younger, I don't even drink coffee! And yet, I feel a lot of shame surrounding what I perceive as my addiction (or what I have been told is my addiction). It's almost paralyzing at times because I have such a strong urge to medicate and push away the difficult and painful emotions I feel on a daily basis that seem to come from nowhere at all. It's such a struggle in my mind - that it helps me deal with my emotions, but may just be repressing them, and anyone who is expected to be a normal and responsible adult SHOULDN'T be doing this! It's one of the worst judgements I have towards myself, and one of the few SHOULDS that still plague my brain.
I am working on practicing acceptance in this area of my life, and hopefully with more acceptance/less judgement my anxiety and pain will decrease, as will my need to smoke. I'm hoping that a recreational marijuana use bill in my state will pass this Fall, at least then I won't feel like a criminal.

I am new to the group too ET. Glad to see all these newcomers, and that this group is continually very active! Living with CPTSD is hard, but it's a little easier with support, in real life and online. Glad you are here.

Wow Spryte, I really like the quote from your friend about music being magic. I had never really thought of it like that before. Music used to be one of my main coping mechanisms when I was younger. I would blast my stereo in the bathroom as I got ready for work each morning and sing and dance my heart out. That was how I ensured I would have a good day. I love to sing, it's just such an amazing feeling to match a pitch and create a beautiful harmony. I think it's one of the best feelings in the world.
I have lost touch with that routine, and become a little more insecure about people hearing me sing than I used to. Right now I don't even have a stereo I can keep in my bathroom. I feel like part of the reason I may be struggling more with difficult emotions may be that I'm not listening to music or singing much lately. I need to change that.
I agree Spryte, rock music can be very cathartic to listen to if you want to get out some anger/frustration/rage. I used to listen to a lot of punk rock, which isn't always so heavy. A lot of the songs lyrics are tongue in cheek and actually pretty fun. I always found that kind of music to be uplifting. Lately I listen to female vocalists, when I do get around to putting music on that is. I love Brandi Carlile, she has been my favorite in recent years. I also recently discovered Lenka Annegirl, and I really like her music too. This is the song that turned me on to Lenka.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHpvlr_kG6U
Last Winter I had made plans to join some sort of local music group. I looked into becoming part of a choir, but there aren't too many options in my area. I could join the local chapter of the Sweet Adelines, but they have membership dues/$ for costumes/$ for travel to competitions and I don't think I can afford it. Besides a cappella barbershop quartet style music really isn't my thing. Perhaps I should start looking into this again. I'm sure I can find someone to make music with in this town. Music has been such an important part of my life, my identity and my healing process. I need to make sure I don't just let it go by the wayside.
Here's a few more songs I wanted to share.
Brandi Carlile - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkxyT27xRH0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNmo8I4dEQE

The Wailin' Jennys - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UNT3poCd6U

Having a safe warm place to sleep is something to be grateful for. Whenever I feel down I just try to remember how lucky I am to at least have food and a warm place to sleep and it makes my other problems not seem so big. Glad things are going well for you. 

Thanks for your responses! It definitely sounds like EMDR is hit or miss in treating CPTSD. That's in line with what I have read so far. Apparently the T needs to have done some additional training to be able to use this technique for those suffering from CPTSD. From what I read Cat, your are right. The fact that the flashbacks are usually emotional and not visual or auditory make the treatment very different for people with CPTSD.
I will be sure to have an in depth discussions with this new T about whether or not she has any experience using this type of therapy for patients with CPTSD. It sounds like the treatment varies wildly in effectiveness depending on the person, their receptiveness and the skill of the T.

At this point I feel like I just need to be doing some sort of therapy to help me cope with my symptoms. I was very disappointed with how things ended at the therapy center I had been going to. I had an amazing counselor who was really helping me, I worked with her for a year and then they fired her for some unknown reason. I was unable to even say goodbye to her, which brought up some abandonment issues for me. We had really been on the cusp of a big breakthrough I think. Just a few months before that, the T who was running my DBT group decided to start her own private practice and left the center. She had been such a wonderful mindfulness teacher, and so accepting and never judged anyone for what they were going through. She always said that if you are frustrated because you feel you aren't making progress, to remember that even making tiny changes to the way you think or the way you cope is progress. Every time you use a new coping skill, or even just choose not to go back to old ineffective coping mechanisms you are reinforcing new neural pathways. Rewiring your brain a little at a time, and it is ALL progress! She always made me feel like I was moving forward.
Anyway, I guess I just want to feel like I am getting help. Like I have people who understand what I'm going through, and know how to support me in coping better. It may not be EMDR that will achieve that, but I do need to get back in some sort of therapy.

My problem right now is the coping mechanisms I developed as a teen to deal with the disorder I didn't even know I had. I learned to become very emotionally detached, to put up thick walls and not develop strong bonds with others so they couldn't hurt me. This leaves me with very few close relationships, a lot of the time I feel lonely and long for more meaningful interactions with others. The most unhealthy way of coping I developed? Smoking pot to relieve the depression and anxiety that plagued me. When I was younger, getting high helped me survive what I was going through. It shuts down my emotions to the point that I don't have EFs most of the time (except if I'm truly triggered), but also leave me numb. That was acceptable to me as a younger person. Now that I am older, and a mother I have a responsibility to learn how to cope for real. I need to show my son how to deal with emotions, not suppress them. I also feel that the fact that I have been "shutting down" my emotions for the last 16 years has only masked the problem and not allowed me to process the traumas that cause my EFs. I thought maybe with EMDR I can rewire my brain, process some of the trauma and lessen my dependence on marijuana to cope. It's hard, I want to stop but it's the only thing that helps me. Traditional meds have never been effective, but smoking weed has become not so effective recently as well. I'm noticing more side effect like foggy thinking, memory loss, and even the fact that it numbs my emotions is not really helpful anymore.

I hope I can figure this all out, for the sake of my son (and myself too). I just want to give him a good life, and a good childhood. So far I'm doing much better than my BP M ever did for me and my brothers and sister. But I worry that my drug use and my struggle with CPTSD will effect him negatively, just the same way my Ms illness did to me. I feel a lot of shame about my addiction, and even just my inability to properly cope in general. I hope I will not be judged harshly on this forum for admitting to my dependence on marijuana. I usually would not discuss it with anyone, it is very personal and I feel like it is deeply tied to my disorder. So most people don't understand it, don't understand why I can't just stop. Ugh, it's all so confusing and discouraging at times. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with EMDR byways and Cat. Gives me something to think about as I figure out what is next for me on my journey of healing. I just need to remember what my DBT teacher said, baby steps-even the smallest changes are progress. I have come so far, I need to remember that and acknowledge the amazing progress I have made in the last 10 years. When I think about it in the right context, I'm actually pretty proud of where I'm at.

Thanks so much Kizzie, I will take a look at those links and group guidelines as well.

Hi All,
I have been living with CPTSD for about 20 years now, only just diagnosed with it about 18 months ago. It has been an eye opening and healing experience to finally have a correct diagnosis and some helpful therapy after living so many years not understanding what was wrong with me.
I did DBT for a year after being diagnosed, it changed my whole life. I loved it and still practice the skills I learned there every day. I am currently looking into other alternative therapies like EMDR and acupuncture. Have found acupuncture very helpful for dealing with symptoms and stressors/triggers.
I am so happy to finally find an online support resource for this disorder. I know I have just begun to scratch the surface when it comes to learning more and healing my wounds. I must say, sometimes I get really sad and frustrated that this will be a lifelong struggle I have to deal with. But I am glad to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. I think both my partner and my mother (who is mentally ill, and being raised by her was one of the traumas I endured on a daily basis that caused me to have CPTSD) may also suffer from some form of PTSD, but I have never met another person diagnosed with CPTSD. It's almost a relief to read through the posts from all of you on this site and find so much that I relate to.
I just want to say thank you all for being here, I'm glad to be part of this group

Hi Byways, I am new to the group too. I'm glad we have both found our way here. I just wanted to say, that when I started counseling treatment for my CPTSD the T told me that it is normal for symptoms to get worse at first. If you are doing a lot of reading, research, trying new therapies and delving deeper into what is going on with you it is going to stir up a lot of feelings. Feelings that may have been hidden, or lying dormant for a long time. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself. Try not to be scared by feeling triggered, it's normal to have that reaction. It doesn't make it easier, but I think just focusing on good coping skills and continuing to find ways to heal yourself is key. At least that's what I keep telling myself! I struggle with using some not so healthy coping skills to deal with my symptoms and being triggered. That's what I'm trying to learn now, how do I cope without the dysfunctional coping mechanisms I have been using for years just to survive?
Good luck with the EMDR treatments, I hope it is successful for you. I am looking into trying EMDR myself currently.

Just searched, found one post on EMDR other than my own. It was strictly a brief description of the treatment. I'll check back later to see if anyone with personal experience has responded. I'm sure there are many of us who would be interested to hear how it worked for others.
~Joanna

Thanks Rain, I will do that.

Hi All,

I am new to this group, and very happy to have found a resource for information and support regarding CPTSD. I was wondering, do any of you have experience with EMDR? I have heard a little about it, but still don't know very much. I will be doing some research online to find out more, but would love to hear about personal experiences with this type of treatment if anyone has tried it. I found a counselor in my area who offers EMDR and have contacted her to see if it's something I want to try.
Are there any other specific therapeutic treatments that anyone in this group has tried that helped? I have done traditional talk therapy many times in my life, and only recently did I even get a proper diagnosis of what is going on with me. Now that I know what is wrong, and have found talk therapy only slightly helpful I am interested to know what else is out there.
Thanks for reading, I am really looking forward to participating in this discussion group!

~Joanna