Wow...just read this, sorry it's so long...
Hi.....fog is definitely what I live in. I hate it. I've reached out for help. I did find a wonderful therapist who explained that I was most likely married to a narcissistic sociopath. I saw him every week for a year before I packed what I could and moved my 8 w/o son and I out while my STBX was at work.
I thought that was the hardest part and freedom would soon taking the weight of the world off my shoulders. That was nine months ago. No feelings of relief to date.
I'm a reader. I read everything I could find about narcissism, narcissistic abuse, sociopaths....Every article, every e-book....I joined online support groups for Survivors of a Narcissistic Marriage. While I found support and kindness from these brave women there was something missing. As time moved on they got stronger and started to find their self esteem again, exactly the path I'd imagined myself to walk.
I'm afraid to tell anyone what's really going on with me in the fear my stbx would take my son.
That said, my son needs and deserves a whole and happy mommy. I think I may be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder. So here I am letting it all out to those of you who've been here. If this is the issue, at least there is hope that I may begin to heal.....I could use some hope
Truth is...I'm barely hanging on to just existing. Every little bit of energy, and pure determination is given to my eight year old son. We have a deeply special relationship based on mutual respect, kindness, honesty and love. A complete opposite to what I grew up with. It is so incomprehensible why taking care of his basic needs are exhausting. Feeding him, making sure he's bathed, has clean clothes, keeps up at schhool....etc. That's just not me....I used to be a organized and multitasking kind of woman.
I moved in this apartment nine months ago and there are boxes to be unpacked every where. My son's room is the only finished and organized space here.
I'm leaving the apartment less and less as time passes. Dishes piled up in my sink til they're all used and I'm forced to bleach them and put them through the dishwasher. I typically go a week or more without showering. (I have my son shower regularly)
I eat very very little yet haven't lost a pound, maybe because if my son doesn't need me I'm in my bed. I watch Netflix to NOT have to think, offers some small relief from overbearing stress and anxiety.
I would never sleep without heavy (prescribed) medication. If I don't take it I have nightmares and wake up crying and screaming. The first thing on my mind when I wake up is my stbx and what his next move will be so I can be prepared. I keep my blinds closed at all times and have my son trained to lock the door every time he comes in. I'm sure there are behaviors I'm not even aware of.
The sound of keys dropping in a counter causes my heart to race and my anxiety level skyrockets. That said Im constantly anxious. The other day my son and I brought in groceries, with my back to him, he lightly brushed up against me leaving the kitchen. I literally jumped and felt as if my heart was in my throat. This event started me on the PTSD path. In the past it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to startle me.
I can't live like this anymore. It's as if my body and mind have been taken over. On top of this I'm also buried in shame, guilt and embarrassment. I'm lost. I'm in pain. I need some help understanding what's happening to me and how to cope with it. I survived being raised by a mentally ill single mother, who had me when she was barely 15 & was and still is a drug addict, I raised my sister who's 8 years younger than I am. I was a mother at the age of eight. Despite this we both beat the statistics and became productive members of society, we stopped the cycle of abuse and addiction. More than anything I need hope, hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Because after everything I've been through....it scares the * out of me that I can't move forward, that I can't even see forward......
Hi.....fog is definitely what I live in. I hate it. I've reached out for help. I did find a wonderful therapist who explained that I was most likely married to a narcissistic sociopath. I saw him every week for a year before I packed what I could and moved my 8 w/o son and I out while my STBX was at work.
I thought that was the hardest part and freedom would soon taking the weight of the world off my shoulders. That was nine months ago. No feelings of relief to date.
I'm a reader. I read everything I could find about narcissism, narcissistic abuse, sociopaths....Every article, every e-book....I joined online support groups for Survivors of a Narcissistic Marriage. While I found support and kindness from these brave women there was something missing. As time moved on they got stronger and started to find their self esteem again, exactly the path I'd imagined myself to walk.
I'm afraid to tell anyone what's really going on with me in the fear my stbx would take my son.
That said, my son needs and deserves a whole and happy mommy. I think I may be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder. So here I am letting it all out to those of you who've been here. If this is the issue, at least there is hope that I may begin to heal.....I could use some hope
Truth is...I'm barely hanging on to just existing. Every little bit of energy, and pure determination is given to my eight year old son. We have a deeply special relationship based on mutual respect, kindness, honesty and love. A complete opposite to what I grew up with. It is so incomprehensible why taking care of his basic needs are exhausting. Feeding him, making sure he's bathed, has clean clothes, keeps up at schhool....etc. That's just not me....I used to be a organized and multitasking kind of woman.
I moved in this apartment nine months ago and there are boxes to be unpacked every where. My son's room is the only finished and organized space here.
I'm leaving the apartment less and less as time passes. Dishes piled up in my sink til they're all used and I'm forced to bleach them and put them through the dishwasher. I typically go a week or more without showering. (I have my son shower regularly)
I eat very very little yet haven't lost a pound, maybe because if my son doesn't need me I'm in my bed. I watch Netflix to NOT have to think, offers some small relief from overbearing stress and anxiety.
I would never sleep without heavy (prescribed) medication. If I don't take it I have nightmares and wake up crying and screaming. The first thing on my mind when I wake up is my stbx and what his next move will be so I can be prepared. I keep my blinds closed at all times and have my son trained to lock the door every time he comes in. I'm sure there are behaviors I'm not even aware of.
The sound of keys dropping in a counter causes my heart to race and my anxiety level skyrockets. That said Im constantly anxious. The other day my son and I brought in groceries, with my back to him, he lightly brushed up against me leaving the kitchen. I literally jumped and felt as if my heart was in my throat. This event started me on the PTSD path. In the past it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to startle me.
I can't live like this anymore. It's as if my body and mind have been taken over. On top of this I'm also buried in shame, guilt and embarrassment. I'm lost. I'm in pain. I need some help understanding what's happening to me and how to cope with it. I survived being raised by a mentally ill single mother, who had me when she was barely 15 & was and still is a drug addict, I raised my sister who's 8 years younger than I am. I was a mother at the age of eight. Despite this we both beat the statistics and became productive members of society, we stopped the cycle of abuse and addiction. More than anything I need hope, hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Because after everything I've been through....it scares the * out of me that I can't move forward, that I can't even see forward......