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HI guys, I ran my first marathon about a week ago. Naturally, the night before I had some anxiety. I went and had dinner with a branch of my family I don't often see, who know my sister quite well. This is the sister who I suspect has BPD or NPD or at least fleas; so dominant was she when we were growing up that my IC speaks half in her voice, and half in M's.

Over dinner I felt anxious as I felt I had to give updates of all my immediate family, who I am trying to go NC with, but didn't feel I could explain that to the family I was having dinner with. In particular, I have a young niece (maybe a second cousin once removed? hazy on the connection there) who regularly texts my sister.
I felt completely on edge, worried about what that sister might have said about me to her. Probably egotistical of me... but my sister is very frank about her opinions of others. She used to offload loads of her thoughts of others onto me.

That night, I had a bad dream, which is rare for me. My upper chest was tightened and collapsed and my breath was shallow, and I drifted out of sleep into the half-awake, almost lucid dream-state where I sometimes have interactions with my shadow. I was looking at myself asleep in bed, with a big black shadow crouched on my chest. I remember thinking: "It's a leech". It was sucking the breath, life and energy out of me. I knew it was my sister, though it didn't resemble her. Dream logic!
I've heard people say that problems with the chest are fear, and problems in the gut are anxiety. I think I have a real fear of how I feel when I'm around my family.
I don't want to return to feeling helpless and worthless again, as I did when I was a child.

I don't know that this means that my sister is an emotional leech, per se, but it was a physical representation of how I felt towards her at that dinner.
A shadowy figure, feeding on me, draining me of life.

Hi Ellis, I like your imagery. The unpredictability of it all and the feeling that the memories have their own agency and pop up when they want to, like a ferret, make it hard.

I'm off to google videos of ferrets now!

HI Contessa, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You have worth and dignity and you are worthy of respect. I respect you, as does everyone here.

You are feeling like you are not worth much, because you feel you haven't achieved as much as you can.
These are lies that your family have programmed into you to keep you feeling bad, to keep you under control.
Even if you achieved what you wanted to, your family would still find ways of showing you it's not enough.
Try not to pursue success to make up for what was done to you - it will not bring you the love that you deserve from your family.
It's just a further excuse to treat you badly and hides the real truth - weak people side with abusers out of fear.

But you are strong. You have survived this terrible abuse, and you have survived your family not protecting you as they should have.
You are using this strength to heal yourself.
It will bring wisdom, compassion and further strength that stand you in good stead when pursuing your dreams.
But right now, it's time to focus on your healing. You deserve to feel good.

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

Yes, absolutely, 100% agree EFs and energy levels go in cycles. My cycles are different to yours, with different responses to triggers, but it's the same principle.
Mine tend to follow arcs of several weeks to several months, and shift from satisfactory productiveness, to *almost* underperforming. Skin of my teeth stuff.
Right now, I'm in a big slump after concluding a couple of things that were important to me recently, and feeling directionless.
For me, part of the struggle is even wanting to break this stage of the cycle - right now, the comfort of the couch feels so much more important than my life trajectory!
As to getting some balance back, I think I need to double-down on self-care including fun, relaxation, and socialising, and not just focus on work stuff.

It might be a good idea to keep a daily record of mood, energy levels, and other things that might be relevant to you - under or over-productivity, sleep, etc.
This could help with identifying triggers, identifying times when you'll be most susceptible to triggers, recognising when you're in a triggered state, and figuring out the best things to do to deal with being in a triggered state.
Understanding your natural cycles so that you're more empowered to experiment and find your own solutions, with or without the guidance of a professional.
Of course, being in a slump, I'm not doing this atm, but if your perfectionism kicks in, you might do it very well!

In any case, speaking about it to your psychologist should hopefully yield good results. Good luck!

Hi Blueberry, that's so fantastic that you're helping someone else learn the language.
It sounds like you are a natural at teaching.

It sucks that your FOO have left you with so much doubt in yourself.
It seems like this teaching opportunity has come about to help you see how capable you are, and to build confidence in yourself, step by step.

I teach English as a second language, though I myself don't speak a second language, and I've often felt unconfident in myself for one reason or another.
If you want, I can PM you a few teaching tricks? Let me know if that would help.

When teaching, it's quite normal to forget the "simple" things about the language in the moment.
Try not to put pressure on yourself to have all the answers, or to explain everything in a way the student understands.
It will improve to a certain extent with experience, but honestly, you'd be surprised how irrelevant it actually is to their learning.
Exposure and repetition do more than explanations and rules.

As for panicking in the moment, I've found it helps to remember why you are doing what you are doing - for your student(s).
This is not a criticism; I just know from personal experience that if you get self-focused, you'll start spiralling downwards. Go external and you will feel more positively.

Imagine your student communicating in the situations she needs to - buying coffee at the coffeeshop, doing her grocery shopping, navigating the town, making friends with a native speaker, asking for train times, watching local TV, listening to announcements, applying for a job, filling in an official form; whatever her needs are.
Everything she learns is helping her get a little bit better in all these situations.

That means your lessons are helping her expand her options and improve her quality of life.  That's fantastic!
As her teacher, you're allowed to take joy from her improvement and achievements, too.

It's not that the other stuff (gender, tense, conjugation, etc) is unimportant - but it is much, much less important than communication and navigating daily life.
Communication comes first, accuracy comes last. This is true of all language learning.

Well done in your teaching and I hope this helps.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, everyone.

It sounds like triggers are the biggest issue here, and any attempt at an endeavour like this must be handled with great care.
I never considered that it might dredge up lots of painful memories and trigger me into EFs and dissociation. That's a real concern, so thanks again for the warnings.

It's funny, the thing I was most concerned about didn't come up - would it make me a petty, bitter person, convinced that a normal childhood was in fact terrible?
In my case, I'm afraid that I'm wrong about all this, that I haven't been the victim of abuse, and I'm creating a false worldview.
I'm worried that if I'm wrong, writing out a list would feed and reinforce this worldview, rather than challenge or put it in perspective.

But in reality, I should trust myself enough to be objective if I do compile a list. If anything, I am biased in my family's favour rather than against them.
That's the tough thing about abuse by emotional neglect - there are so few signs; it is all about the words unsaid, the hugs unoffered, the autonomy crushed as it arises.

In compiling the list, I may well see that there is a body of evidence pointing to actual emotional abuse - acts of commission, not omission alone - but perhaps I've been unable to access enough memories all together at the same time to be convinced that, on balance, M was emotionally abusive.
I suspect that is the case and the reason I doubt myself is because of the typical FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that comes with a PD mother and dysfunctional family.

I suppose it is worth trying, though I now know I must be extremely careful of triggers.
I will experiment in tiny doses and pay very close attention to my moods and reactions.

Thanks again, all.

Hi Horse, I'm hearing you. As 3R says, tiredness and fatigue unfortunately is all too common.

If it helps, it sounds like you're going through something that is quite natural to relocating to another country and culture.
The trauma on top will of course unfortunately make it tougher, but remember - you got this.

It sounds like the lack of belonging is what's eating at you most - can you use your music or another interest to connect with a community in some way?
I understand it's not completely simple, as local meet ups etc may be limited, you might just not click with the culture, etc, but it might help?
I hope I'm not being insensitive by making a suggestion - please ignore if not valid.

And it's true; you don't have to do anything right now, and you don't have to fix it all in one go. Step by step will get you there.
Even noting how you're feeling and sitting with it can bring healing and change.
Wishing you luck and energy!

Hi Woodsgnome, I'm sorry too that you had this response. This kind of invalidation is painful.

I agree with the comments made here; the speaker was putting up a wall to protect themselves because they are not in touch with their own feelings.

I like Radical's phrase: "those living in denial and those who can't".

In a weird way, I think it is the upside of trauma  - we have been disabused of the notion that life is just.
So we don't have to do mental backflips to excuse every bit of unpleasantness we see around us.
We don't start victim-blaming in order to convince ourselves it could never happen to us.
We can see life as is, and it doesn't shatter our fragile worldview or delicate sense of self.
The challenge for us is not to slip into depression; the strength is we have the power to see the truth.

We have a solid foundation to build our life on, while others who have not suffered what we have are content to build theirs on the shifting sands of illusion.
They seem to be doing well, but all it takes is a story like yours and they are retreating into their defences; sometimes viciously.
Thanks but no thanks.

Yesterday and the day before, I noticed I was browsing online shopping when I had some quite urgent work to be doing.
It's one of my addictive procrastination activities - not spending money, thank god, but wasting lots of time and energy searching for some "must have" item online.
I also noticed that my energy to do things - initiative - was very low yesterday as well. I got home and just didn't feel like doing dishes or prepping for work.

I think I used to feel this way practically all the time, but over the last couple of years it's been getting a little better - I'll just go and get started on some small activity that I know will make me feel better for having done it, and that usually gives me a little boost.
I noticed how I was feeling yesterday because it has become more unusual for me to feel that way over the last year.

Now I'm wondering what is the cause of the low mood.

I went away for the weekend and so didn't post here every day.
I wonder if posting here has been lifting my mood a bit.
Other things are my marathon - I was feeling a little underwhelmed by my experience and I'd been preparing for it for four months, so perhaps it's a slump after the anticipation. Perhaps even hormones from after the run, or a physical response to the pain and fatigue.

I'm feeling positive that at least I'm noticing my moods, and having a problem-solving response to them.

Sorry, "fawn" and "freeze" are two of the response types to stress.

The four response types are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
They are in Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
Here's a link to his website that gives some info:
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

They are considered maladaptive responses to stress if you cannot flexibly select the best option for the situation; this is what generally happens if you have C-PTSD.
For example, people pleasers tend to be stuck on fawn when actually giving up (freeze) or standing up for yourself (fight) or even walking away (flight) would be better.

This is a nice, easy to read explanation of the four Fs:
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/fight-flight-freeze-how-to-recognize-it-and-what-to-do-when-it-happens/

Hi Little Birdy, I'm a recovering people pleaser too, although I was never actually that pleasing! Just tried waaaay too  hard.

I remember getting a bit obsessive over a colleague who was quite outgoing and cool but basically snubbed me from her first day.
She was so confident though, I desperately craved her approval despite disliking her intensely.
For some reason, I just  wasn't able to make the judgment that she was not important to me, and therefore I only needed to be civil.
Winning her approval took on this huge significance for me; the conflicting emotions I felt were so intense, over this person I barely knew!

I think she must have reminded me in some ways of my sister, who made me hustle for her approval all through our childhood.
My sister dominated me so much that I was unable to actually make judgments for myself; I was so reliant on my sister interpreting and labelling the world for me.
Not only was I then attracted to more dominant people, but I was unable to judge situations for myself and respond accordingly.

Are you a fawn type? I'm more of a freeze type usually, but in the workplace, I get overwhelmed and I think I can be pretty erratic in how I respond.
I think I tend to fawn in the face of perceived potential rejection, with icky results.

Thank you for your words of support, guys. I'm feeling fairly level about the marathon now - not high, not low.

notalone - it's good to know that's not an uncommon reaction; I didn't know but it makes sense. It's so normal to experience emotional reactions that are different to what you "should" feel in so many situations - helps to keep it a bit more in perspective. My emotions (or lack of them) don't mean that it's not something to be proud of.

Otillie - thanks for your encouragement; I am happy I did what I did and there was no question in my mind of ever giving up, so that's the important thing for me.
I do try not to be so down on my achievements, not only for myself, but because I know it's kind of like achievement inflation - if there's one person there saying "I ran a marathon, but it was no big deal", then it can make it tougher for the people around to celebrate their achievements too.
I really don't want to be "that guy" (or gal) who drags everyone else down through their own self-deprecation!
But it's so tough when it actually comes to thinking "I did a good thing" - there's a real mental block there to wear down.
At least I can see the block now.

I like the quote you sent - "The worst punishment you can give a person is to make sure they can never feel good about themselves again."
It explains a lot. :-/ But on the bright side, by learning about CPTSD, PDs and psychology, I feel like I'm learning programming for the mind.
Bit by bit, I change a piece of my inner code every day. If I could take my marathon one step at a time, I can do this too. :-)

Recently, I ran my first marathon. I got through it; there was never any question in my mind of giving up.
I was cramping severely all down the backs of my legs just before halfway through, and ended up hobbling the entire second lap to come in at a few seconds over six hours.

I did fair bit of training, but fell off the bandwagon six weeks before the race. I was still training, but didn't do the long runs I was supposed to.
Nevertheless, I thought I  was on track. I had, after all, run a half-marathon in August, with a time of 2h05m.

I hadn't had a specific finish time in mind for the marathon, but it had never occurred to me that I would come in at over six hours.
A friend of a friend had got 6h15m in her first marathon and I had been encouraging; I would never say that that was a bad time.
However, I knew that she didn't run as much as me and hadn't trained as much as I had.
Is it hypocritical or arrogant of me to think that that was a decent time for her, but that I should have done better?

I really try to set realistic goals, and above all, not to compare myself to others.
I'm not feeling ashamed of my time; just the faintest touch of disappointment.
But I was a hoping to feel ecstatic and proud, and I certainly don't feel that.

I just thought I would feel more... satisfaction? elation? at completing my goal.
It was a bit of a bucket-list thing, but to be honest, I don't actually feel that I have achieved running a marathon.
I feel like I have faked and cheated my way through it, like I seem to do in all things in life.
I guess this could be imposter syndrome. I do feel like a fraud.

I do this for many goals/achievements in my life - after I finish, I'm always looking for the flaws.
I think it is a defense mechanism, to protect me from being put back in my place by family members when I get too big for my boots.

When I completed my BA at age 29, I was very proud, but I couldn't let myself feel it.
Why? Because I knew that my M would just say "what are you going to do for work now, then?"
And I didn't have an answer to that.

I so desperately wanted her and F and even my sisters to be proud.
And if I caught them at the right time on the right day, maybe one or all of them would be.

But maybe not. My eldest sister, for example, immediately said "what are you going to do for work now?". I don't think she even said congratulations.
She had taken a long time - ten years in fact - to finish her bachelor, with M berating her the whole time.
So she seemed to enjoy doing it to me - demanding I answer for myself, not validating my achievement.

I so need to let go of hoping for approval from people who have time and time again shown themselves to be incapable of giving it.
I always measure myself by my family's standards, which are whatever they are feeling in the moment; if they're feeling small, then they'll say things designed to make me feel small, and unfortunately, though I've been improving I am still sensitive to this.
So I just assume the worst to prepare myself for every eventuality, which really means that I hollow out the joy and sense of achievement from anything that I do in anticipation of their possible reactions.

It is hurting me, as I can never enjoy the positives, and any time I do achieve something positive, I actually associate it with negativity and brace myself for pain.
It is causing all sorts of self-sabotage as I find success more painful than failure, as it reinforces how alone I am, at least family-wise.
Recently, I've been building up my social support network, which is so much more fulfilling and healthy.
But I'm still struggling to let go, take risks, and expand.

Now that I've seen this association of success with pain, I am going to try a few things.
Meditation, reframing, journalling, and perhaps some CBT on the introjects I identify as coming from family, spending time with friends who are more positive.

But it's so hard to allow myself to believe that I've  done something well. I feel like I am going through life holding my breath.

Thanks Kizzie, the free workbook looks good.

I will have a look at the book you recommend, Healing Finally.

My M has always been weirdly controlling over how emotions can be expressed and displayed.
My reactions to deaths in the family have been constrained and unprocessed because of it.

When my grandfather died while I was in my teens in another country. I didn't really have any feelings about him dying - without the body it felt unreal.
At the memorial service, I remember my M choosing to place me at the front of the church with my younger sister and saying something like "we'll have two up at the front looking sad, so everyone can feel better".
I hated the idea that my grief should be a display for others to feed off and benefit from; and to make the family look "good", and made sure I didn't shed a tear, not that I felt like it anyway.

A few yours ago, my partner's mother sadly died from complications with cancer. The way it happened was very unexpected and sudden.
It was the first time in my life I've interacted with death and grief in a normal way - we got the phone call, we cried, we went to the funeral, and so on.
It was devastating, but a healthy reaction to an awful reality.

M reacted in weird ways. I've spoken to her about it twice with the same result - she ended up trying to control what I say and how I feel.

First, she was the one who brought it up both times. Both times, I felt flattered that she cared and was interested in hearing my thoughts and feelings.
Then I started talking about it, naively opening up and saying how upset I was for bf's family because it was so unexpected, etc.
Then both times, she's gone beyond her tolerance level of having me speak about something unrelated to her, and she's snapped at me.
She ends up saying that that's "normal" with cancer; people die; implying I should "get over it", etc.
Trying to make out like my emotional actions are wrong and coming from a place of ignorance to make me feel inferior.

I hate that she can take the death of my bf's mother, who my bf cared about enormously, and twist it and make me off-balance and worrying about her reaction.
Why can't she just be a normal person, a normal mother, and support me, so that I can support my partner?
I also hate that I was fooled by her both times, and opened up. It makes me feel had, like I've lost a competition or a game. Her little game, with rules that she changes.

What kills me is, she brought it up. She's obviously not that annoyed by me talking about something she has no true interest in; she likes being able to slap me down.
She gets me opening up, milks it, then gets off the hurt and confusion I display.
No more, I'm wise to her sh*tty little tricks now. No more attempts to improve our relationship by trying to make it normal and share my thoughts and feelings.

She's not normal. My responsibility is to protect myself. 100% grey rock from now on.