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Thanks for the replies they're  really appreciated. Sorry I meant I've got CPTSD. Growing up my mother ruled the house,  her mood dictated things, emotional and physical punishment. My dad was the softer one. Didn't think anything was odd about my dad until I found out when I was in my 30s

Hi all
I'm in my 40s and suffered with anxiety all my lifer. Recently diagnosed with PTSD. Mainly believed to be attributed to a mother whose unpredictable mood resulted in many a physical beating.

I know my father molested another family member when they were a young child, but only found out about this recently.  He molested other children as well.
I can't remember my father doing anything to me but recently I remembered a recurring dream I had as a child, at least my mermory puts it as a dream but  I remember the 'dream' feeling very emotional and physically real.
Basically what I remember of them was everything was dark, I may have been under the covers. I couldn't move bercause of a heavy weight on me and there was a loud sound of a beating heart. I used to wake with a start to find one of my parents in my bedroom (can't remember which one) I always assumed they had come in to comfort me because they knew I was having a dream. Anouther reoccuring dream was of a man who lived in our attic, who would come down at night and either chase me down the stairs or wait for me to come home and peer out of my bedroom window wIting for me.
Nothing else makes me suspicious except me and my siblings were all very 'sexualised at a really early age, in fact from the age of three I was fixated by playing doctors and nurses with members of the opposite sex. I think that sort of thing is quite normal but for me it was a real fixation. As an adult I've had a really high libido. Generally I'm very uncomfortable when people touch me, I avoid greeting by hugging or kissing,. But I love and crave the touch of my partner. I think  in the deep recesses of my mind I place a deeper sexual/love meaning to 'touching' than is normal. If my partner hasn't touched me in  day I feel deeply rejected, unappealing and unloved.
Does this ring true with anyone or do you think I'm just making assumptions?

A big thank you everyone. So interesting to see I wasn't the only one to be surprised about my trust issues. I think a lot of it is down to not trusting myself as to how I'll handle what others throw at me, but in recent times I've become quite paranoid of other people's motives, even those quite close to me. It  doesn't just end with people, I don't trust anything that I see as manipulating others around me. For instance I'm overly opinionated about Love Island, which my wife and daughter watch!!!!
Anyway understanding it's about learning to trust, rather than relearning is the message I'll take away. Many thanks again.

Looking for some tips I can share with a friend who has CPTSD and goes into heavy grieving every time her son and family leaves after visiting for a period.

Guess it must be a trust thing....it's one of my triggers. I am very distrusting of others peoples motives. Too nice and it makes me claustrophobic and want to distance myself, too outgoing and confident makes me think they're  narsasistic with ulterior motives, too needy and I feel manipulated. It's only taken me 53 years to realise I don't trust others!!!

Why is it I hate having to do the old hugging and pecking on the cheek of people when greeting or saying goodbye, yet need physical contact from my wife in order to be happy? I hate it when I have to sit next to someone so near that I'm touching them, even if it's just legs. If someone acidently touches me with any part of their body it makes me suddenly flinch away, a type of involuntary response. Yet I love physical contact with my wife and it doesn't have to be a great deal i.e. I just love it if we're sitting close, holding hands or just occasional touch. There's nothing better for me if I've had a successful  social experience with friends and got away with no physical contact, yet if my wife hasnt touched me within 24 hours I will actively seek out some contact. By the way I've been married 33 years. My CPTSD came about through personal childhood physical and emotional abuse and witnessing domestic abuse as I grew up. Mum also left us when. Was 12.

Wow I think you are so brave. I've been with my partner 37 years since and being apart from her is unimaginable. Yet since she told me that she wasn't in love with me but still loved me, I've been dogged with abandonment, trust and gelousy issues all linked to her. As a child my mum used her love as a weapon that could easily be withdrawn, she beat me with sticks and left home twice (not coming back the second time). I'm now in therapy for CPTSD and know my relationship is the thing that can guide me through this mess, but that it's also the cause of my angst. Well done you, I wish I had the same guts

Awww thanks Sanmagic reading your message has set me up well for the day ahead. I very nearly confronted my wife last nigh. So glad I decided not to. will leave the big question to my therapist as you say. Thanks again

I've been married 33 years and earlier this year my wife told me she didn't love me in a romantic way and that what I had become (I had been depressed for approx 3 years) was not attractive. It hit me like a bolt out the blue. It came after a period which seemed  to follow a mid life crises pattern and grew apart. She also explained how she valued her alone time and a longing to explore the world...on her own.
I thought I had an epithany as after two days of sobbing my determination to win back my former relationship with her seemed to kill off my depression and give me a new sense of purpose.
Now having had my first few counselling sessions for childhood developed CPTSD (physical abuse and abandonment courtesy of my mum), I think the change was a result of an enormous flash back relating to abandonment and lack of trust with female relationships.
We now do a lot more together including grand parent time! She seems to like being around me again but I hankerafter the past. The days when she found it easy to say how much she loved me. It feels like I'm in love but whilst she loves me she's not in love. Am I in a relationship that's no good for me and my CPTSD. Our relationship has always been based on me the giver and her the taker when it comes to physical contact, but now that eats away at me....I feel a needy creep but I just want her to tell me how much she loves me or approach me with a long hug or even just to touch me! By the way my increased 'in loveness seems to have heightened my geoulous/trust triggers. So I'm probably going to sabotage things any way.

Hi everyone, I'm new on here and wondered if you could point me in the right direction. I was assessed as having CPTSD last year and currently having counselling where where we've concentrated on grounding techniques.
My triggers seem to be around abandonment, trust and low self esteem mainly caused by a narsassistic mother who beat me and who left home when I was 12.
The effects of my triggers now threatens my 33 year marriage. Basically I find it extremely uncomfortable when I see my wife around our male friends. It's a deep distrust and fear that she will choose them over me and that I'm not enough of a pull to keep her....when it happens I flash back to previous times in our relationship when there's been similar instances and emotionally cut my self off from her. During these times I have to remove myself from the vicinity, only to return worrying about what could have happened in my absence!!! Could someone tell me on which forum I could chat with people going through similar turmoil?

Hi everyone, I'm a 52 year old male whose just been given a working diagnosis of general anxiety and depression as a result of childhood trauma. Awaiting NHS counselling and been on anti deps for two years
New my mothers methods of discipline were unfair and probably made me a timid individual, never thought my mum leaving home (twice) when I was 12 bothered me that much, put out of my mind the frightening feelings I had as I watched my sister being violently pushed around by her husband when I was 14/15. Astonished when talking through my childhood to my physiatrist that I burst in to tears numerous times about things I've never cried about before. Even more astonished to hear my current mental health problems are due to childhood trauma. After reading up about complex PTSD no longer astonished. It's me!!!!!! Emotionless hermit zombie