Messages

I really liked this. Thank you for writing it.

Hello there, Cray

I'm so glad you stumbled onto this forum. We are all here to gain insight & healing. As far as this being your first post, you are courageous to share your story with us. Your post was clear & to the point. No rambling. As you find your footing here,  the many resources will be helpful. Dig in & be encouraged.

Congrats on your 4 months sobriety
That is a mighty accomplishment. Welcome aboard, friend.

Hi Maryann - 

I have had the same thoughts & feelings about taking meds. I felt, in the past, like I was being weak if I took meds, & that I was letting God down by not trusting Him more. I suffered so much from that thinking. God doesn't want us to suffer & gives mankind medicine to ease pain, cure sicknesses, ease anxiety, depression & other mental problems.

I, personally, began to see significant improvement in myself when I made up my mind to stay on my medication, consistently.
I prayed & asked God to help me & He did.
There is no shame in needing medication to help us. I thank God for it. When I think about how much suffering there would be without medication, I shudder.

Please follow your Doctor's advice in taking your medicine, and stop suffering needlessly.
I totally understand what you're going through & I know you can overcome it because I did.

Stay connected here & know we are all here for you. Keep us posted on your progress. You can do this & we're all rooting for you.
God bless you. You are in my prayers.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I have found relief from the pain of isolation here & pray you will, too. Many of us can relate to having to leave our employment, also. I am sorry you are experiencing any of this, but happy you found us. There are lovely, caring people here to help each other. Welcome aboard.

Hi Wren -
     I'm so glad you're here. Sorry to hear you seem to be in a regression of your CPTSD. It is so difficult to make great strides, over time, in feeling relatively well for a stretch of time and then find yourself back to, what feels like square one, again. I think it is common to many of us here. I'm sorry you're facing this & hope you find encouragement & support here amongst us.

 Hi SIS -

     Firing a T can be a big deal. Starting over with a new one is exhausting, time consuming , and, sometimes, futile.  T's can only do so much for us. Even well trained ones. I made the mistake of thinking therapy would be the answer to all my problems. I soon realized I needed to research CPTSD recovery on my own. After about 2 years, therapy overwhelmed me and was expensive so I just stopped going.I learned as much as I could from my T.  This "going it alone" approach has it's ups & downs, but, overall, I'm doing better. There is so much information available now for healing from CPTSD. I tap into it daily.

As for how long it will take to work out your psychological issues with a T, is the $64M question. Also, a set number of sessions is usually defined by your insurance company. Your insurance coverage has limits.

I'm sorry you have the headache of searching for a new T, but your persistence will pay off, I'm sure. I don't regret seeing a T for a while. I just knew when, for
me, it was time to stop.

You didn't say anything wrong or say too much. I am really glad you posted. It is always courageous to do so & your post will help others on this forum.  Thank you for posting.

Fondly.....

Hi Silverspoon, 

I can relate quite well to what you're saying here. I feel as if I've accepted my fate of having CPTSD.  I don't know that I feel as though I am "condemned" to a life of living with this horrible condition, as much as I feel  that this is my lot in life, cards I was dealt and must play. Maybe that's the same thing as "condemned", I don 't know. It has taken
me many, many years to even reach this point. I am now acutely aware of my limitations in living with CPTSD, and I hate it.

I know that those of us who have this don't live the lives we want to.  We really can't, but do the best we can.

Thanks for posting, Silverspoon.

 Welcome back, SB! 

Hope you find help and encouragement here. I know I have.

 I struggle with taking medication & regularly stop taking it for days at a time. I don't want to have to live on medication. I know, intellectually, this is not wise, but I keep doing it anyway. This has become a pattern for me. I always end up taking the meds again, but hope one of these times I'll feel well enough not to have to.

Does anyone else do this? Just wondering if I'm the only one that does.

Hi Cats, 
You are welcome here & will be heard & respected. I so get what you're saying & totally get how you're feeling. Misdiagnosis is fairly common with Cptsd, unfortunately. I believe more & more therapists are becoming aware of Cptsd & trauma treatment is now becoming part of their education.

Because I am older, there wasn't any understanding of Cptsd back in the day when my symptoms first began. I, like you, spent many years chasing treatment for depression. Only in the past few years did I find a T that diagnosed me correctly with Cptsd.

I still feel,at times, that my life was wasted because of the enormous struggles of managing the symptoms of Cptsd while trying to work, raise children, show up in life everyday functional.

My faith in God was crucial in my life. I, too, probably wouldn't have survived without God's help. He, literally, carried me, and continues to carry me, through dark days.

I received much help through books. Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, Alice Miller are just a few authors whose books have been great resources. I read them over & over again.
Your story is more common than you probably realize. Please know, you are NOT alone. I am terribly sorry for what you have been through. I get it. No throwing in the towel...read books, do your research & you will find answers & help.

We are all here for you on this forum. There are many loving & caring people here to listen, understand & be helpful.
You will be in my prayers as your recovery journey continues. 🙏🏻

Hi SOM,

I had EMDR treatments (10 total) & felt anxious & disconnected after each one. My T kept me in her office until I was grounded and calm enough to drive
home.
Driving home, I felt distracted and 'not like myself'. I didn't have a full blown panic attack, although I can understand why someone would. With EMDR, you are usually revisiting some horrific, abusive experiences. Some people get re-traumatized, and that can bring strong emotions of anxiety. I remember squirming in my seat & my face tightening during EMDR treatments.

If the treatments bring on panic attacks afterward, your T should definitely know about that. Slowing down the treatments or stopping them altogether might be necessary for now. I am sorry you had this experience.

Be gentle with yourself. You are in my thoughts & prayers as you navigate your healing journey. We are here for you.

  Hi Unfurling 

So glad to see you here. Sorry about your past experiences that hurt you so. Many of us on this forum can relate & travel with you on your healing journey. Thank you for having the courage to post here. We welcome you!

Hi Saylor

Yes, I prematurely left the work force about 4 years ago. I left due to my inability to go on, one more day, trying to manage my Cptsd symptoms while working in a highly stressed work environment. The work load was unreasonable & many co-workers had also left who did NOT have Cptsd. I wrestled with the decision to leave for many weeks prior to doing so. I waited longer than I should have because I didn't want to feel like a failure. I didn't want to appear weak. I worried what everybody would think of me. I didn't want to give in to Cptsd. 

I knew I had finally reached the point of being unable to continue working. I was exhausted, burnt out & having panic attacks daily. My anxiety level was not sustainable in any work environment.

I left work abruptly & immediately applied for disability. I don't regret it as I had no other choice. I knew my working days were over. I think you will know when you've had enough.

I now spend my days working on healing. I am slowly feeling better. I am doing the Cptsd recovery work I couldn't do while I was in the work force.

May you have peace in whatever you decide. Wishing you only the best.

In my experience, I realized the friends I made when I was younger, I outgrew or made those friendships when I was not aware I had Cptsd, therefore, I was not my real self. As I am recovering, I find myself letting go of old friendships that have never been healthy for me.

As I am now more able to give 'honest' opinions, when asked, I find people (friends) don't seem to like me as much, nor I them. I am no longer the people pleaser I used to be. I am currently in the process of leaving a friendship I have had for 30 yrs. There is no anger or discord, just my realizing the constant emotional drain this relationship has had on me & I allowed it. I found myself dreading to hear from this friend.

If you value this friendship, you will probably pursue it. My only advice would be to make sure it is good for you, and you are able to be your 'real' self with her. If that isn't possible, is the friendship authentic & healthy for you or are you in a controlling relationship?
(Which for me would be Trigger Town!)

Good luck with this situation. I hope it works out in a healthy way for you.

 I also found myself in your position recently. After I "woke up" & realized the friends I had were needy, complainers, unsuccessful in life, & downright depressing & emotionally draining for me, I ended almost all these relationships. I can honestly say I don't miss any of them.

I was attracting these people because of the way I was. Key word "was". I am now only accepting new friend applications from people I find to be safe, considerate & uplifting. This is quite different for me & a slow process. I now realize how lonely having Cptsd can be, so I'm not too hard on myself for leaving old, unhealthy friendships behind me. It's necessary in the healing process, I think.

I will continue to seek out new relationships with people who bring healthy, positive, loving attributes with them. I expect nothing more & will accept nothing less! You are, also, now "awake" & will find new friends. Give yourself time & be patient with yourself.
You will now choose your friends, they won't choose you.

Thanks for posting. We're all here for you wishing you only the best!