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rainydiary - Thank you for your kind words. notalone - I feel like that at funerals too. I still feel for James and Bob and keep asking 'what if' Bob never got out the house etc. I think I an grieving for connections and animals I have lost in my life too, sometimes my strong emotions happen without realising where they are coming from. I do overly empathise with people and animals which is good is some circumstances but means I feel like I'm taking on the weight of the world and try to figure people out.

Hello and welcome 

I am so sorry you went through his too. It sounds like everyone was in denial about W's behaviour. I am glad things have started going well for you in your relationship. Covid has caused so many problems for people, I really hope you can build on this when we come out of lockdown.

If it helps regarding masks, my work are not having any PPE when we return, this will just be 3 staff and no customers for now but I don't think we'll be required to wear them. I've spoken to a few people and we all agree they are hard to breathe in, so I think there will be various issues trying to make this mandatory. 

Hope this helps in some way. If it's okay to give you a virtual hug 

I've been dating for about a year now but haven't been doing so since lockdown. One person I initially felt attracted to, I thought her was sweet when he offered me his scarf when I was cold and was had a laugh on 2-3 of our dates. He was quite stingy although had a good job, I don't mind sharing paying for things especially as we were just trying to  get to know each other. Anyway I was fed up with him saying he can't meet for 2 weeks because of this or that which I was okay once or twice as I have things to do too but the third time coupled with the stinginess just subsided my attraction, it just festered out. I ended the dating. So its good I know I don't want these certain negative qualities he had, stinginess, no commitment.

I started dating someone else who ticks all the boxes, nice guy, treats me with respect, we have some similar interests, pays for everything. He's punctual, has a good job ( this doesn't matter to me but he's self sufficient) but I just don't feel the attraction. I know people say attraction can grow but do you believe you just don't feel it with some people? We are I'd say friends and are still in touch. I'm not waiting on mr perfect as I know this doesn't exist and I really do want to be in a relationship. I have worked so much on managing and controlling my chronic pain which has made me very depressed and worsened my CPTSD. I feel in a place where I can have a relationship now. I would like someone to share simple things with like watching films together, cuddling on the sofa, going on holiday together.

Has anyone had any similar experiences while dating?

Recently, a little over a week ago A street cat named Bob died in a road traffic accident. The story of his owners life, James, an addict who was homeless when he met Bob really touched me. James credited Bob for saving his life and through his books he write about his experiences with Bob, buying his house. His life has completely turned around. James and Bob absolutely adored each other. Since I heard Bob had died , I have been overwhelmed with grief, I cannot stop crying, I feel such intense pain like stabbing and aching in my heart. James is quoted as saying his little soul mate has crossed the rainbow bridge, there's never been a cat like him or will be again and he's bereft.

I feel so much for James, he'll never be able to do all the things he wanted to do together with Bob (they used to fly all over the world for book signings) he was going to be the ring bearer at his wedding. I feel for Bob too, he got out the house, I don't know how but I suspect although nothing has been reported someone took him, dying alone without James beside him. It utterly breaks my heart. His owner was so happy and he said Bob was his soulmate. I have never met either of them but watched the film.

I understand I am upset and I have read comments on social media of others being in tears of Bob's death but I don't understand why I feel utterly grief stricken as if I knew James or Bob personally or as if this has happened to me. I hope so much James can regain happiness and strength from Bob's spirit ( he has said he feel's Bob around and see's a bit of ginger running up the stairs)

I know this sounds really intense but I feel an absolute grief stricken mess over this. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?

I have been thinking why any friendships or other relationships I have seemingly attracted people who have treated me in an appalling manner when I feel they wouldn't treat others like this.

I have had and have a few friends in my life whom I would not expect would ever treat me in the manner I describe above.

However I do feel a bit disconnected but I'm grateful for who I do have in my life.

There was one person who out of her toxic jealousy exploded at me when we met for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in months. I was homeless and had just secured a flat at this time. I'm sure she planned to meet me in order to be emotionally abusive. This was about 12 years ago and I still feel some of the nasty things she said are in my head. I know this was her issue and nastiness but I can't help feeling this is my fault and a problem with me. I attract these horrible people.

I have had good things happen but I am quite disconnected and I have this negativity from what different people have said to me in my head. I just can't shake it off.

I don't know if this is a feeling of wanting to feel connected and a couple of these people making sure this didn't happen by their behaviour.

Does anyone else have these feelings and can't get even very old nastiness out your head?

I do feel as well I bother people some of the time and when I am 'found out' (my worth) I am not worthy of being treated with respect. This is not my belief system but it is a feeling I have deep down.

Glad your break is doing you good 

Knowing when to take a break is part of self care so well done 

Welcome back 

Hi Essie,

Welcome 

I had yet another intense long EF flashback and couldn't sleep last night. I was crying and I was getting angry with all emotions and memories of injustice at work and the memories of where these feelings come from. I was getting frustrated this is constantly going round and round my head. I started to try and ground myself by saying 'I am having an emotional flashback, I am safe, I am in my bed, ****** and ****** are with me (my furries) This calmed me down and it seemed to shift something. 

I can't believe the shift it made in my brain. It felt like the emotions went and felt like an empty space, a peaceful space. My feelings were not intense and all over the place as they had been for 10 months. If I felt the feelings coming back a bit I kept repeating it. I began to remember with clarity how things took place in work and the adequate response I said to my boss out loud.

The EF have still come back a bit bit today but very mildly and I have grounded myself by telling myself I am having an EF, where I am, I am safe and who I am with. I have some peace with this finally!! I felt relaxed today and even smiling a bit when I was outside (Anxiety/hypervigilance can make being relaxed outside difficult for me too) I am going to write down the clarity of events I remember and why this whole scenario has triggered me. Not a nice time but at least if anything I can release these buried emotions after years.

However I do feel I want to tell the bully exactly what she did wrong and that this was harassment. So there is still anger around her vindication. Also how she knew what she was doing was wrong but felt able to do it. Still anger here too. I need to work on grounding on this.

This shift for me made me realise how inner self talk and grounding taps into your subconscious in a powerful and healing way.

This also made me realise how the psyche is damaged during psychological abuse (I knew my psychological abuse was not right and not true (as a teenager)) but it goes into your subconscious without you being able to control it and this is what causes the serious damage to the developing brain.

I mainly just wanted to record this for me but I welcome any comments too.   

I was looking through the bullying and harassment posts and someone had said they were so glad this person had left and I thought it was the date I left but I actually left the week before this. Not that I think for a moment I would be the subject of someone thinking I'm the bully. After my manager had twisted things it makes me paranoid.

CPTSD is worrying what others think of us. I also get paranoid any 'bad' comment is directed at me, not on here but out there in the world. 

When I get really anxious or hypervigilant my ears sound weird like having an ear infection or a cold without having one, the sound goes on and off and surroundings really loud. I was shopping a couple of weeks ago and I was trying to make conversation with the cashier but felt I sounded very quiet and the 'beeping' of the scanner felt right beside my ears. The rest of the environment sounded distant a little bit like underwater or veiled in some way.

I hope this is making sense. Is this part of hypervigilance?

This comes up for me now and again. I worry if people think I fancy them when I don't or if there is a professional relationship and someone helps me with something then sometimes I do get a bit 'attracted' but worry they think I fancy them. Does this make sense to anyone else? Do other people feel like this too?

I have always felt attracted to the opposite sex even though I have had problems with men and was scared of them for a long while. But sometimes I feel a bit 'attracted' (I use quotation marks as this the only word expresses this best) to women too if they are nice to me or helpful. This doesn't happen with everyone of both sexes just some people. I worry people think I am coming on to them (There is no reason for them to think this other than me chatting to them) You know that unconscious 'attraction' which you can see and spot even with other people.

Thank you so much Blueberry for your kind, warm words and encouragement. This means a lot to me. I am glad things have got better for you. I'm sure they will continue to do so.

Thank you Kizzie for sharing how you felt before and how this has faded as you have recovered more.

It means so much to me to have this support. 

Hi Blueberry, Yes that does help me a lot hearing about your experiences, how you felt and how you dealt with it and its good to know it has become less of a problem for you. 

Thank you, that's exactly it, the heart (feelings) and the head.

I think feeling the threat is being the scapegoat in the family. My boss initially emailed his boss when I shouted and swore at him and said '........'s relationships in ****** office' when it is ME who is getting targeted. I am finding the EF less frequent and I am trying to distract myself more and keeping busy helps (although not really dealing with things)

I feel triggered again as I emailed my union rep about volunteering to deliver shopping during lockdown and he said our branch doesn't do this etc I emailed back and said I'm shopping for others and trying to only go out once weekly for shopping (as advised) and said I suppose volunteering is putting yourself at risk, I'm relatively physically healthy and others can't go out at all. I send him a separate email about work issues, kept it very professional and asked his advice about moving to another job within the organisation.

Rep got back and I felt the email was very blunt, two lines which one of them said 'I am a workplace rep'....'I don't work in ****** office' 'You will have to ask ******* (manager)' So it made me feel 'Oh did I digress too much about shopping and volunteering and he thought why is she telling me this?!' 'Does he think I'm being over familiar (I don't think I was but think this sometimes generally which makes me retreat a bit) I don't mean to sound OTT but it makes me feel more alone. Small things have a big impact with CPTSD -good and bad.