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My friend is worried about me. He knows my history with my husband and it was mostly assumed to be in the past.

A couple incidents of abuse happened in the last 6 months though and he told me he genuinely can’t understand why I stay. He’s trying to figure out what he’s missing.

I don’t even know what to say. How do you make someone understand you love your abuser? I’m sitting here trying find the words, the right explanation on why it’s not that simple to pack a bag and walk out.

Don’t need actual answers, just thought maybe others feel or have felt the same.

I am new to learning about C-PTSD. I haven't been formally diagnosed though information I have come across seems to fit, I think. I have a few things I'm trying to figure out and put a label on it. Are labels important? Maybe not. But maybe it gives some relief to give those feelings a name.

Another thing I've recently learned about is derealization. Again, not formally diagnosed. Not even entirely sure it's something I'm actually experiencing. I have had moments where things seem more enhanced around me. Like a dream, but not. I'm functioning, I'm talking, I'm there. But something just seems off. I can't pinpoint if maybe I'm just crazy or tired.

I know I need to see someone and discuss my issues, but I'm afraid. It's hard to talk about. It's hard to accept sometimes. Talking on a phone, let alone making an appointment gives me anxiety.

For the longest time I was unsure if I was actually abused. There was no education for me on that as a child or teenager. I feel like it's only been within the last few years that education and awareness for mental health issues and the things surrounding it are coming about. My best view of abuse was what you see in movies. The angry controlling narcissist trying to assert his power by beating you into submission. I didn't even realize emotional abuse was a thing.

My abuse started around 19 with my first boyfriend, who later became my husband. I endured abuse for 17+ years. It was mostly emotional, though physical abuse had slipped in on a small handful of intense occasions. The recent #metoo movement led me to realize a certain instance back when we were dating was sexual assault. Something else I brushed off as "nothing wrong" with it because he was my boyfriend and consent is a given.

I walk on eggshells. Even when things are on an upswing I brace myself for the other shoe to drop. Other people and events not relating to my husband don't tend to trigger me. At least, I think. The sound of his text tone makes me jump and brace myself. Lately after a recent triggering episode with my husband, I keep remembering past traumatizing moments of physical abuse. It's not flashbacks, just memories floating to the surface.

I deal with a few levels of anxiety. Social anxiety being a very real struggle. Leaves me to even think friends could actually care. I think I bring people down, like I do my husband who happens to be an empath. I deal with depression that has hit extremes like cutting in the past.

I feel like I have a unique situation with my husband. He deals with his own depression and I tend to absorb it as the personal punching bag. I feel like no one else cared enough like I do to have his back. This type of thing was also something that kept me thinking maybe I wasn't abused. He is not narcissistic and is a very caring person in general. I just seem to trigger that anger.

This is a bit of a ramble I realize. I am in a certain phase of trying to help myself. Fix myself. I know I need to speak to a therapist, as I said before. But finding this forum and trying to be a part of it is a step in my mind. I just opened up this morning to my close friend the recent realities of my situation. I have been told I need to leave. I can't heal if I'm still in it, even if it seems things got better. I am told I am loved and cared for so the help is there. But they won't help me stay in this situation and continue to put up with it.

I am torn, confused, hurting, scared. I'm not out for advice or a shoulder to lean on. I guess I'm just trying to to make the reality of my situation more real, by actually writing the words?