Messages

Bravo!

Thank you for all the ideas and warnings. I need courage and confidence to face the consequences, not knowing if it would make home life worse. My misplaced guilty feelings and fantasy he will change, or is something he is not take over. I can barely go to the store with my agoraphobia. I can't remember what day it is much less the date. He has control of me and with each catastrophe I lose more memory, but I can't break away. Not a good day today.

My narc husband has always lived his own life and does not want me included. I want to go somewhere by myself (no friends to ask) but am scared and think it's dangerous. I want to go to an island with beautiful beaches and blue water to fall asleep in the sun and calmness. I want to go to restaurants to eat by myself. I don't want to meet men while I am married.
Is life more dangerous than it used to be when I was naive and young.
Am I asking for trouble?
I just want to enjoy my life for a change. I am afraid of people.

For some reason I fear scrutiny more here introducing myself. I am 66 y.o. female, married 29 yrs to narcissist after growing up as scapegoat in narc home, abused by mother and older sister with father not present due to career. Now all 3 sisters treat me with hate so broke off communication with no intention to contact again.
I had a nervous breakdown age 22 when rejected by person I thought I'd marry but couldn't talk to, just obsessed with him. Never felt able to support myself even with 2 years of grad school when I broke down. Lived at home or collected unemployment from temp. minimum wage jobs. Couldn't talk to people, became very agoraphobic. Became alcoholic and drug addicted, clinically depressed and paranoid to point of near psychotic. Anti- depressants or therapy were useless. Got a job in an ER I enjoyed with people who accepted me but began stealing meds so quit before I got caught and living with a guy with 4 kids that cheated on his ex wife, then me. His mom showed love and faith so after 12 years after the breakdown finally began healing when I regained my faith and found a friend who helped me understand and trust Christ again. She introduced me to my husband, previously married 24 years, but came across as a strong Christian leader to those who already knew him 20 years.
Once married he despised me and I went into a deep depression and was subject to him and his low opinion of me, altho others thought I was beautiful and smart. I was knocked out by meds, felt a divorce would be worse than living alone with no income or ability to work or leave the house, believing no one would talk to me and i'd never change.
Finally decided to treat him as he treated me after he was retired and slowly roles reversed but he still hurts me every chance he can so I have to keep hurting him to keep him away from me. He never wants to be with me. Finally I am trying to live a separate life in the same house if that's possible. New meds help me feel comfortable with others and found out I have ADD, so meds helped tremendously and have had many responsible positions, mostly volunteer. I am learning to abuse my abusers but not comfortable with that. Life is a constant power struggle with most people. I still naively think people care about others but they don't unless I show leadership, then they follow. Still don't believe anyone really cares but I never recognized a person who would love me. I have to depend on Christ. Even then I was verbally and emotionally abused in church.
I am in pain and drive recklessly when I go out. I wish I could travel alone. I have no friends to ask to go with me. It seems obvious I am not happy.

I subscribed to his YouTube website and have seen most all of his posts. He has helped me more than anything else, altho EMDR first got me to a point I was able to move forward.
I also bought two of his courses that include several videos, audio downloads, written assignments, semi-hypnotic relax mode audios, and condensed material he would relay in private sessions.
In his YouTube videos he gives names of authors, books, and excellent resources. He collaborates with other experts in the field in his videos. He is very knowledgeable and compassionate.
He has described the behavior of my husband as a narcissist that I have continued to excuse, believing he would change. He went through it himself, describes the cause and effect, and found answers from experts. He described my co-dependency from childhood, being the family scapegoat, and my resulting repercussions so that I know I am not imagining I am suffering from a real disorder. Now I know why I cannot get myself out of it.
Seeing my life revealed and knowing it happens to others and the symptoms are the same, makes it real so I can act on it and feel confident to fight for my self worth in the meantime. Also I recognize the other bullies in my life so I don't cave in to them.
It takes a long time to really sink in because there is so much information but I am finally applying knowledge of the dynamics. I don't have to wonder if I'm imagining my bad feelings or thinking it's all my fault.