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Hi Stormwolf-

To me it sounds like dissociation. I suffer from it 24/7. Always in a fog.

Widd-

I'm so sorry about the EF. They are no fun at all. 

I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self.

The above can all be symptoms of C-PTSD.

I care a lot about everyone and everything around me. I provide good emotional support to my friends. I try not to pressure anyone into doing things they don't want to. I listen to everyone, as they all offer a unique perspective. I give thoughtful gifts. I am passionate about the things I love. I am patient with others when they make mistakes. I love to learn. I always seek to understand things. I want to change the world for the better.

I know I have all of these qualities, but it feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Repeat these to yourself often. Write them on an index card and whenever your M's voice pops into your head, stop her as soon as you realize it and re-focus on saying the affirmations to yourself instead. This may be hard and first, and do your best not to criticize yourself if it is. Keep trying and it will get easier!

You sound like a wonderful person! And by getting help for your C-PTSD, you ARE changing the world for the better. 

Hi Ann!

Isolated, disconnected, misunderstood - check, check, and check; but here you (we) are no longer any of those things. Yay!

Welcome. 

Hi coralreef!

Yes, I can relate. I have bad days and "good" days. I would never say that I am high functioning, just some days not as low functioning as others. Just a low energy person, both mentally and physically. Someone posted about "dissociation" recently, and that sounds the same as what you mentioned about not remembering Monday at all. The mind can only deal with so much, and dissociation is it's way of shutting things out. I suffer from chronic 24/7 dissociation. It is my most troubling symptom. I feel like I am thinking through mud or molasses. Or that if I could pop my brain out and wipe it with window cleaner and then pop it back in, that would be ideal.

I had an exhausting therapy session last week. I felt terrible for the next 3 days. Physically exhausted, not wanting to get out of bed. I think that is somewhat normal when processing trauma - it takes a lot out of you.

I get 8 hours of sleep each night at minimum. Another thing that helps is just accepting that I'm not like "everyone else" (people without c-ptsd or other limitations), so if I can't go/do as much as them, it is ok. I am kind to myself about it and ok with doing less, resting more. It can be frustrating but it's easier for me not to fight that fight and focus on what my body is telling me I need to heal.

Would you say that your eyes are sensitive to light? If so, you may want to have a cortisol test to check your adrenal gland function. Stress and trauma can wreck those little glands and contribute to fatigue and other symptoms. I am on adrenal supplements that have helped quite a bit.

Thank you all for your replies. Widdiful:  thank you for the "brave" compliment! I am brave. We all are, really - but boy does it feel nice to have it be recognized.

I went back to therapy today - 4th session. My T didn't think we did too much last week, just that we did something, which is what I'm there to do. Today was.....fun? No, it was painful yet rewarding. POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT *****She gave me a pillow in a case and I got to stand up and imagine my mother in the chair and scream about how mad I was at her and why I was mad and whack the chair with the pillow. And cried and cried and cried.******

I'm exhausted. Feel like I left a workout at the gym. I think progress was made.

Thank you keepfighting. I'm not quite in crisis and I found the active thread very helpful. 

Thank you rRecovery, so very much for this post. To you, and everyone who replied - I too feel this way. I have felt this way since I got out of my mother's house at age 18 (now 32). I began therapy (4th session tomorrow) in hopes of diminishing this awful feeling of not wanting to die, but also not wanting to live. It would just be easier not too. To others this would sound incredibly selfish, but they don't understand fatigue on this level. Has anyone had success in beating this using therapy?

Thanks you so much again for having the courage to write about this Recovery.  I was just rereading the thread and realized I've never said this to anyone before, even my H whom I love and trust more than anyone on the planet (and that's why I never told him), not even in therapy because it sends up a big red flag about possibly being suicidal.  And yet I have carried this thought arounbd for years, that it would good just to have life over and done with.  It's not about wanting to take my life at all, it's about being tired out from having CPTSD and constantly struggling with fear, pain, expecting it, guarding against it as you say Rrecovery - it's wearing, exhausting at some deep level. 

Kizzie I relate to every word above.

This Kanna - not something that can be picked up at the local health food store, eh? Should we chat more about this under the "Medications" section? I'm very interested to know more.

I don't think she knows about CPTSD. I sent her an email to ask before I got started, specifically noted the "C" and spelled it out, etc., and she still replied with PTSD. She does specialize in trauma, and has been there herself (experienced childhood abuse/trauma herself). I do feel that she can help me, and I will talk to her about what's going on tomorrow.

I will check out the other thread. I know this one is old but the subject really hit home!

Thank you so much for replying. 

I feel like I'm obsessive/compulsive checking for replies, and I get disappointed when there aren't any.

Because I desperately want/need support. Replies to my other posts about starting therapy back recently; or now, to this one. I don't want to die, but often I think about how much easier it would be to be dead. Anyone else? I'm just in such a bad place all the support I have right now is this forum.

@Hypersger

My friends and boyfriend are nice, but I don't feel fully supported by them when it comes to my therapy. My boyfriend doesn't think that therapy works because it hasn't for him, so the most he really does is just not say anything negative, which doesn't feel like full support to me. I just don't feel like anyone understands unless they've been through it, which is true for most things I suppose.

I come here for support, so I really appreciate your replies.

@Hysperger:

I do intend to bring it up at my next session, which is on Monday, fortunately.

I think therapy would be easier for me if I had a better support system. I wish I had friends that understood. I just don't think you get it unless you've been through it though, which I wish on noone.

I need therapy for therapy! I've had 3 sessions now, and my third one 2 days ago was the most difficult. It exhausted me and I didn't really get out of bed for roughly 36 hours. I still don't feel good. Is this normal?

What happened yesterday in therapy is 1) I connected with the scared, alone little girl inside of me. I started crying how unfair it is that she was/is alone and why didn't anyone help her? 2) I told my T how I used to get picked on for being "too skinny". Kids were always coming up and asking me why I was so skinny. My T said "why were you so skinny?" And I said that my mom was the same way as a kid (she also suffered abuse) and I had two tall, thin parents. My T said that I was skinny because I wasn't getting enough emotionally; wasn't being nurtured. This is a big deal to me and has made me even more angry at my mother, because being underweight caused me lots of emotional pain from being teased and having low self esteem because I was so embarrassed that I looked "different". I'm so mad. I also need to discuss with her a way of getting this anger out safely and constructively. Suggestions?

Oh, I also cried because my T is so kind to me and I'm not used to having people be that kind. I want that kindness from my family but I will never get it from them. I have a boyfriend and friends but their kindness isn't the same I suppose.

I'm 32 years old and wondering if I will ever be able to thrive instead of just survive. I am so unhappy with my life, and feel like I am stuck until the therapy works enough to unstick me. I do t want to live like this forever.

I've been absent from the forum for awhile. Yesterday I had my third weekly therapy session. I've cried during all of them but yesterday I felt the most pain. What I want to know is, therapy is supposed to help us feel better, and I suppose with time it will, but after each session I've felt temporarily worse. After yesterday's session I felt really bad and still do today - I've been in bed all day long and haven't eaten much. Is this normal? When will the therapy make me feel better? I'm wondering if we did "too much" in yesterday's session. My next session is in 3 days (less that a week due to my T's schedule), and I'm already dreading it. It would be easier if I had a better support system I think. I have no family support. And friends just don't seem to understand enough. This is just so hard.