I can really relate to this topic. When i see folks at 12-step groups I go to having a group like experience...or someone to talk to right as meeting ends...i feel so awkward and uncomfortable, i used to not be able to tolerate that empty, lost, abandoned, unseen, invisible - feelings. And I would leave with rage that I wasnt seen, or acknowledged enough (if I had shared perhaps i was in pain).
(I think that issue of not being seen, or wanting to be saved, and looking for unmet childhood needs, and child like rage at folks that my inner child feels do not care enough,,never care enough, how and why could they possibly...? I am learning to give it to myself at those times..self talk, reminding myself they cannot save me, that i am adult now, and have support i can reach out to, etc)
i have had that experience of being well known to a group, and much comfort in that. Tolerating the time/effort it takes, often means sitting thru painful disconnection there in meantime. Also putting less expectation / desparation / neediness on the group - and reminding myself it takes time...and working to self soothe and give it to myself, has started to help alot!
anyways...i'm seeing my attachment trauma and certainly not having 'good enough' parenting, and lifetime of self sufficiency - leads me to be very 'independant', life learnt dont need others, and often preferring to be by myself. I'm saddened to think back on my life as being so utterly lonely as such.
I often see also that i will choose to not reach out to people that i could..or forget about them in moments.. or discount their understanding of the depth and complexity (terminal uniqueness), etc...when i fall into an extended emotional flashback, and time of deep emptiness / despair like feelings.
(i have been working to build a tolerance for these deepest abandomnent feelings..trying to sit with them, let my kid flash back to how he felt..desolate, hopeless, etc. I try to do in safe place, sometimes use THETA wave music and TRE..usually some grieving happens also, and back end it with some reparenting visualizations to comfort and wind him down from the experience.)
MY partner does not have this trauma, and has many long standing relationships - I can feel deep shame that I generally do not. And even if I am in contact with people, I can still feel these dreaded emptiness/abandonment/despair feelings..but it often can break the spell if i am able to tolerate the anxiety of approaching contact..
Anyways...thanks for reading my rambles...
(I think that issue of not being seen, or wanting to be saved, and looking for unmet childhood needs, and child like rage at folks that my inner child feels do not care enough,,never care enough, how and why could they possibly...? I am learning to give it to myself at those times..self talk, reminding myself they cannot save me, that i am adult now, and have support i can reach out to, etc)
i have had that experience of being well known to a group, and much comfort in that. Tolerating the time/effort it takes, often means sitting thru painful disconnection there in meantime. Also putting less expectation / desparation / neediness on the group - and reminding myself it takes time...and working to self soothe and give it to myself, has started to help alot!
anyways...i'm seeing my attachment trauma and certainly not having 'good enough' parenting, and lifetime of self sufficiency - leads me to be very 'independant', life learnt dont need others, and often preferring to be by myself. I'm saddened to think back on my life as being so utterly lonely as such.
I often see also that i will choose to not reach out to people that i could..or forget about them in moments.. or discount their understanding of the depth and complexity (terminal uniqueness), etc...when i fall into an extended emotional flashback, and time of deep emptiness / despair like feelings.
(i have been working to build a tolerance for these deepest abandomnent feelings..trying to sit with them, let my kid flash back to how he felt..desolate, hopeless, etc. I try to do in safe place, sometimes use THETA wave music and TRE..usually some grieving happens also, and back end it with some reparenting visualizations to comfort and wind him down from the experience.)
MY partner does not have this trauma, and has many long standing relationships - I can feel deep shame that I generally do not. And even if I am in contact with people, I can still feel these dreaded emptiness/abandonment/despair feelings..but it often can break the spell if i am able to tolerate the anxiety of approaching contact..
Anyways...thanks for reading my rambles...