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Thank you, BluePalm  I definitely know that feeling of needing to be "useful." I constantly have to remind myself that resting or doing something creative or doing nothing even is still "useful" in a different way. I used to read a lot as a child as well, and I found it surprising that adults could become angry with me about that. I'm glad you've found some peace in your life and are able to get the rest you deserve. 

Big hugs to you, bluepalm  I know what you mean. I feel like I fight my triggers constantly, and it's exhausting playing the part of a normal human sometimes. It's really hard for me to let go of things sometimes, especially when I worry about what other people think of me. I usually spend the evenings just laying down because I can't handle doing anymore things.

Thank you, Blueberry! I love how supportive everyone is here. It feels safe 

I'm not sure if this will help you, but it helped me, so it might.
I remember telling a therapist years ago that I felt really angry any time a man got turned on. I would never tell them, but I struggled with it and would try to avoid sex or somehow change the subject. She told me that this was based on a fear I had of him (him = any man) having more power than me. I was afraid to be vulnerable. Once I had this realization, I was able to let it go.
I mean, you probably already know this, but I hope it helps anyway.

Thank you, ThreeRoses!  I'm really glad I found this forum.

I wish I had an answer for you. I have experienced these dreams for more than a decade, especially ones where people I love either die or abandon me or stop caring. Most recently, I've been having dreams that I am stuck either living or visiting with my FOO and I can't leave (ex: I keep missing my flight and/or I have too much stuff with me and I can't manage to move all of it).
I hope it gets better for you 

I experience this, too. Right now I'm in the exhaustion phase. I throw myself into work, trying to make everything perfect. I also try to present myself as if I have everything together. Then I come home and just lay in bed. Sleep on the weekends can be 12+ hours at a time, and even when I wake up, I do nothing productive. I have so much to do around the house today and I just can't even get started.
My therapist wants me to work on being okay with leaving things as "good enough" at work, but it's really difficult to do sometimes. She's also been sick for the last month, so I'm struggling a bit.

I was only recently diagnosed, though I've suspected for a long time that I have CPTSD. I'm trying to recognize my triggers, and right now it's a pretty long list.

- needing help from others/feeling vulnerable/feeling like a burden
- adults who are angry, especially if I perceive them to have more power than me
- not feeling heard or feeling misunderstood
- any reminders of my FOO, especially my mom, stepdad or my little brother (I felt unable to protect him)
- when people celebrate mothers/Mother's Day
- when people talk about how hard it is to be a mom
- hearing/seeing children cry, especially the really heavy sobbing
- witnessing or hearing about physical or emotional abuse towards children
- Christianity, churches, people talking about God or religion
- feeling like I've done something wrong or made a mistake
- feeling like someone is upset or angry with me
- people who dominate the conversation with strong opinions
- when someone demands something of me
- any sort of verbal or physical violence/ conflict of any kind
- speaking up for myself
- being ignored/abandoned
- feeling angry/sad/or tired
- feeling criticized
- physical exercise/food/people talking about dieting
- when people show their displeasure with their faces
- being in a relationship/having to trust that they are safe
- forced physical contact
- sex
- the news
- yelling
- people in positions of authority
- pruney fingers (we were often left in the bathtub for hours at a time)
- being made fun of
- other people's expectations
- being clumsy (dropping something or tripping/falling)
- children being silly or loud
- people justifying spanking
- good-looking men
- sensory issues: socks, pants, suddenly feeling hot or itchy

I'm hesitating to post this because I'm embarrassed that the list is so long. But I'm working on that self-criticism piece and trying to remind myself that it's okay and I'm working on it. If you read all of that, thanks for listening 

Hi Perry1216! I'm a teacher too, and I also really struggle with my inner critic. I have a really supportive admin this year, but some awful parents (and a challenging class). I have tried to do everything I can to help two students in particular, yet their families consistently criticize everything I do. It's been really difficult this year because I'm struggling with not ever feeling "good enough" while doing way more than I really should be doing (perfectionism). Something I've been doing is saving kind notes from coworkers, parents, and students. I post them at my desk and on my fridge at home so that I am constantly reminded of the people who do appreciate me.
A couple of years ago, I worked in private education with a demanding and verbally abusive admin. It's really difficult to experience. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.
Anyway, from one teacher to another, I appreciate you