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I don't have kids, but I have a house to work on, and it's making progress while I am not so I can relate a bit to what you are going through (my ex left me with a ton of work that needs to be done, everything from installing window trim and blinds to putting siding on the house).  I had a talk with my counselor about the self-harm I do regularly; I don't eat enough and I don't sleep enough, and since I know better (intellectually) and don't do better, the only way to characterize it is as self-harm.  My abuser's 'voice', manifested via my anxiety and resulting not eating and sleeping as I need to, is still too loud for me to say I am safe, I am worth taking care of, and all the other counters to my inner critic.  I have Pete Walker's book and recommend it; I e-mailed him to ask if he thought it would be good for someone coming out of a long-term abusive marriage (19 years) and he said yes, that he sees the same kinds of symptoms in survivors of abusive relationships.