Messages

  innocent hug if that's ok middle B, I'm sorry that others put bad intent into your innocent play and friendships. I hear frustration and disappoint in your letter. You are safe here and can trust Bach as well. Again gentle hugs of understanding. If that's ok.

Thanks Bach 

Thank you rainyday.  Woodsgnome thanks for your Encouraging words.

  rainyday I've been there you are not alone.  Don't do for others, live for yourself, and figure out what will make you happy. Understanding hugs. 

In the silence of the night
The wounded heart beat echos
Drowned by the years of fight
The wounded heart beat echos

With each beat the screams recall
The wounded heart beat echos
The streams of tears begin to fall
The wounded heart beat echos

The words cut deep to the heart
The wounded heart beat echos
Hurting worse than being torn apart
The wounded heart beat echos

Innocence taken and beaten down
The wounded heart beat echos
The shell of life is all that's left now
The wounded heart beat echos

Lost in the world I hid in my head
The wounded heart beat echos
Invisibility my power to remain undead
The wounded heart beat echos

Trying to find my back from the dark
The wounded heart beat echos
Stuck underwater just unable to start
The wounded heart beat echos

How do you see through others eyes
We all wear masks and disguise
The way we feel, our thoughts
Is anything ever face value or real

Kids feelings don't lie they tell you straight
They haven't learned the art, mask restraint
Their thoughts and emotions worn on a sleeve
Left out often for everyone to read

Subtleties of despise behind unspoken meet
Eyes that lie to your face as smiles greet
How to see the past the given
Interrupt the parts that are still hidden

My whole life emotion was bad
My best friend died and I couldn't be sad
Splitting at 6 kept me alive
But perfect Me was always happy to survive

I'm not sure how other people to read
When there true emotions are hidden from me
It's not self aware or that I don't care
I don't understand what people don't share

Emotions are new to me and hard to control
Gettin better by leaps & bounds but it takes a toll
Others perceptions of me I may never know
If I smile and you smile I think we are good to go.

  thanks San hope you are well sorry I don't have enough right now to read others journals. Know I'm thinking of you. And sending caring hugs.

  thanks Armee and Hope. The 16 weeks may prove harder than it should be. The stupid professor seems to think she doesn't have to follow the accommodations that by law I need for my PTSD.  I asked for clarification on the time frame of the second 8 weeks which is when I should be in clinicals and she responded she doesn't have a placement yet and probably won't be able to get me anything but a nursing home. Which I can't do because of triggers. She hates me and wants me to fail!

  thanks Hope that means a lot. At this point as far as I know they haven't even contacted him yet. So I'm freaking out for no reason.  I need to focus on getting through school. That's the next thing. It's was stupid of me to start another big stressor before this one was done.  I need to stop being stupid. I have 16 weeks to graduate I need to focus on that not on the dumb stuff that screwed me up in the first place.

  thanks San

  USA City police suck.😔😣 If he makes it to my door step then it's too late to call 911
But rationally I it would be more likely for him too run and hide than to come here. But fear from trauma is real. 😣😔😥

  so made it home last night called the police at home today and the city police basically said there's nothing they can do if he shows up then call. Got to love City cops.

  thanks Snowdrop I don't want to bother him in pretty sure he doesn't want me bothering him a bunch on a case that's over twenty years old.😣😔😥

  thank you both Armee and Snowdrop I know that right now I'm safe. But if they actually to after him. For the first time in many years he will think of me. I'm afraid he will look me up and then what if he comes after me or my family.  
I'm just not sure what possessed me when I walked into the police station.😔   

Now it's out there and I'm not sure how to stop flipping and calm down enough to stop cycling through the horror he put me through.  It's totally stressing my puppy out.😣😔😥

  thank you snowdrop in trying. I'm mostly scared at this point that he has thought of me for years and now he will come after me.