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Hey everyone, so I have been having mental health treatment for years and finally last year my therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD. My problem is that I have a father (deceased) who was narcissistic  and a mother who, well I'm not sure what she is. I was my fathers golden child, and as a result my mother gave most of the attention to my brother and sister. I have never been able to speak bad about mum, because she can't handle any criticism. 
My whole life I have felt like I need to tiptoe around her wants and needs because she might explode into tears exclaiming how i have made her upset or how my pain hurts her so I couldn't show how much pain I was in. I feel like she hasn't been able to support me and sometimes she has been down right nasty. Saying that I'm making my own mental health worse for myself, that I'm causing my own panic attacks, she talks about how when I was a toddler I broke her heart because I wanted to go with my Dad not her. When she found out I was self harming she told me that I was stupid and I should stop because it hurts her.
Basically the dynamic of my family was that my mum, brother and sister were on one side and my dad and I on the other. It was always my Dad and I who were 'upsetting people' 'picking' on my sister. Mum can't accept her part In my pain, I always felt like I was too much for her, like my pain wasn't worthy of attention because it would hurt her.
I don't remember being hugged, I remember when my boyfriend who was a family friend too, tried it on with my sister excuses were made for him. When he got me up against a wall by my throat she said she couldn't cut him out of her life because he was 'like a son to her'.  When I was raped by a boyfriend I was asked if I was sure, when another boyfriend emotionally blackmailed me into sexual acts the reply was 'well we all have to do things that we don't want to'
There's too many things to even write and yet I'm sat here with an eating disorder, OCD, panic disorder and everything else that goes with CPTSD and still finding it hard to say things were bad. I'm terrified that she's going to find out that I have written this, I'm just so scared.
How do I stop all of this? How do I just be okay? I'm so tired.
I'm sorry for writing all of this, I just needed to get it out somewhere.

Thanks everyone!
     I definitely think patience with myself is something I need to learn, I do get incredibly frustrated with myself because I just want to feel normal.  I think especially knowing that I have a time limit on therapy, I'm in the UK and my therapist can only give me 20 sessions max and I'm on 18 now. I'm trying to soak every bit of information I can I have bought and read every book recommended to me, I guess I feel like I am going to be forever broken built I don't want  to let my kids down. I guess forcing myself isn't going to work.

Hi guys,
       So for years I have suffered from dissociation so severe that there are chunks of time spanning years where I have very few memories. I have no idea who I actually am and searching just leaves me spinning round in circles. One thing that I have noticed is that whilst I have memories of most of my traumas I can only tell them like a story, I have absolutely no emotion around them. My therapist had me working connect to them and I may have managed 5 times to connect but only for a minute and then poof gone. I'm wondering does anyone else have issues with emotion memory?

Thanks so much for your reply, it makes complete sense. My IC definitely takes on the voice of my abusers, I guess a lot of it is about paying attention to what's actually going on in our brains then instead of just taking the loudest thought as the truth. 
I think sometimes I understand what I need to do to get better and then the next week I'm confused by everything again, the brain is a very complex system. Thanks again for you advice.

Hi guys, so I'm just wondering if anyone has tried the more gentle approach with the inner critic? My therapist has discussed naming my IC and viewing it as a maladaptive little child, because he was doing the best that he could to keep me alive at the time, the over criticism from him was simply to stop me from being harmed. The theory is that instead of viewing the IC as the enemy it may make it easier to make changes to the critical views. I was wondering if anyone else had tried this method? 
Thanks

Hi everyone, just thought I would do an introduction. So I developed Cptsd after suffering through a narcissistic upbringing and then having 2 abusive relationships and 4 major traumatic experiences and lots of smaller ones as an adult. I have been pursuing therapy since I was 16 and for 17 years have been on and off with every different type of therapy and had many different labels for my mental health issues. this year a psychologist final put everything together and came to the conclusion that I was suffering  Cptsd.
I'm not really sure how far into my journey I am but hopefully I will be able to gain and give advice and help on this lovely site.
  Thanks