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Thanks to both of you. I would love to go to couples therapy, and he says he would like to go, too, but right now, our individual therapies cost too much to afford yet another $120 hour a week. Another new development with him recently is that he just will not talk about my disorder unless it's on his terms, and that's what broke me this weekend. He turned to me in the middle of a completely different conversation, and said, out of the blue, "you dissociate."  Well, yeah, that's a pretty common symptom of CPTSD, but when I asked him to keep it in the four week window, he refused, and started throwing me things that I had done YEARS ago. What could I say? The faith and strength I had dawn from my very short recovery was gone. It was like he was saying I will never get better, and now I believe him. I wish he could just concentrate on the positive aspects of my recovery, and support me in that, rather then telling me I'm not going well enough. I have given up, I feel like I was ALWAYS be that crazy, awful person that I was. I had a terrible night last night, hysterical crying, and he didn't even ask me how I felt this morning. When I asked why, he said he was just trying to keep things positive.

After years and years of therapy and mis-diagnosis, I finally figured out that I have well-earned CPTSD. Four weeks ago, began 150 mgs of Wellbutrin, and by coincidence or thanks to the meds, I finally "got it." I was able to look back over my entire life and see the craziness that had been ruling it -- the EFs, the triggers, etc. I am pretty much text book. I got it, and I was well on the way to fixing it, through meditation and mindfulness. But my "condition" and the things it caused me to do really affected my BF of 12 years. I did really bad things that hurt him badly. He stuck with me, but I don't think I can forgive myself for that. He says, in his good moments, that it is an "it," and not me, but as we are finally able to work through those things, he yells at "me," is angry at "me," and I understand that. I know I did horrible things that I need to take responsibility and make up for. I am trying so hard not to be selfish and self-centered, but I just don't know how much more of his anger I can take. I was doing so well, really moving forward in a very healthy way, and I crashed this weekend. The Inner Critic is back, and I can't stop her. I understand that the fear of abandonment is key to the diagnosis, but this is not just an EF -- he is going to leave me, and I deserve it, because of what I have done. I really don't think I can get through this.