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Thank you

Hello. I have felt some progress with depression but not anxiety the nervousness, shakiness, nightmares, et c. Increased as the depression inked down.
I suffer ongoing almost daily verbal abuse from a fam member. That person suffers emotional and financial abuse from their spouse.
I am dependent for various issues. I fear regularly this person will act on their threats to move away which would leave me destitute. My anxiety is all over the place.
Thank you for reading.

 
Bravo! So happy for you!

 
Thank you
It's hard to be in limbo.

Recently in therapy it has been suggested that due to the traumas I might have borderline personality disorder? I've read about it and known people diagnosed with it. But, it's been very emotional especially since I haven't had therapy for weeks cancelled on both ends.
I am left to see part of myself in this disorder and on edge. My therapist cancelled this week but I asked if she can see me another time. I feel like I can't talk to anyone else about it.

I hear you. I appreciate your journey has and is difficult.

Tee,
No reason to do that at all.

Everyone,
I am sorry for our struggles. It's very hard. I have had EMDR before. I never knew it benefits eating disorders. That's great info. It took me near 30 years of my life before I felt ok in my body thin, medium or overweight. I Believed holding on to hatred of my body was fueling the disorders. So I decided to try and be ok no matter what.

I think that dynamic is totally dysfunctional and cruel. It's visiting the negativity of the parent on the children. I am sorry you went through that and feel bad when your sister perpetuates it. Body shapes and types are fine and individual. Like not collective where women can be lumped together. I am glad too that you haven't had eating disorders. They are difficult. Family criticism and trauma certainly contributed to mine. I was given so many mixed messages.
That being said maybe finding a variety of ways to self-sooth and self-talk that dispels family negativity.
I wish you all the best!

Tee,

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your sharing what you learned. The good news is I have low cholesterol, not diabetes, a healthy heart...
I do understand being overweight has many effects on the body. I also want to say that over-eating, dieting et c. are not necessarily an eating disorder but that I am diagnosed with binge eating disorder as recognized psychologically.
It Is very complex. I appreciate the encouragement. I have a lot of therapeutic work to go through.
Being overweight also carries a lot of stigma and restricts activities at times. But, again it's complex, a recognized eating disorder. I don't want to binge. I need help to recover which I am seeking.

*****Trigger Warning eating disorders*****


I only recently realized my eating disorders were are related to trauma. I had talked to several others who also had anorexia then bulimia and later binge eating disorder. Now I tend to either miss meals and restrict or binge. I have over-ate most of my life.
I get triggered easily by doctors and people commenting on my weight. I feel various ways about my weight and one is acceptance. My therapist supposedly specialized in eating disorders although therapy and self-help haven't worked neither journaling et c.
I am trying to get better but don't care about my size. Other people impose their views. I try not to listen but get triggered.

Snowdrop,

It does help. I read some articles as was suggested. The most ironic thing was if someone else came to me with his actions I would have said SA. But I hesitated with me.
It was harder to admit that to myself. I am sorry you and others went through it too. My family perpetuated the abuse and neglect by getting mad at me when I went off on him.
I am grateful to the people of this forum. I feel validated. I have been getting more memories but I feel stronger and just know he was wrong and he set me up essentially for more victimization. His SA and grooming I think made me more susceptible.

Thank you notalone.

Tee 

Thank you all. The therapists just debated whether it was abuse because I can't remember touching. They thought he was inappropriate but never labeled it as abuse. My current therapist is very new. She is hesitant to label things like that.
I feel it was abuse and I will Google it. I have always been very leary of him and new men. My sister brought a man home to live on a first date. I was very triggered.
I would never do anything he did to anyone. He used to run by and pull down my pants and panties even until I was 27 and I freaked out on him.

Trigger Warning sexual abuse content
**************

I have serious questions about incidences I previously mentioned plus new trauma details.

I am confused about what to call what my father did and the way he objectified me. My therapists haven't said his behavior of masterbating in front of me when I was 5, getting into bed with me and trying to get me to turn over age 11 and making consistent sexualized comments to me was abusive. They hypothesize whether he meant to do anything and why my fear of being raped by him was just a product of my sexual traumas?
I feel like I need to know those things and his anger when boys would look at me, comments on my breasts and asking me sexual questions for e.g. was actually abusive?
It all feels wrong to me. There were friends and adult women he creeped out. When I was sexually assaulted multiple times starting age 7 it increased my fears about him.
In adulthood where more sexual trauma happened I started to worry if he did molest me? Of course he denied it. I thought every man would rape me. How do I know what was abuse or just very inappropriate?