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Yeah, that is completely unacceptable!! What a doofus! (Not you, her.) She probably used your session for some "down time" during her day. Well, if you could bring yourself to tell her how you felt about this (I know it's not easy, but that's what you're supposed to be able to do in therapy--that's why you go there--they're supposed to be able to handle exactly this sort of stuff), maybe you can turn it around. I don't think it's beyond repair (although you may have lost faith in her to the point where you feel it is..). Anyway, please don't blame yourself! It's her, not you!!!

I'm glad the song moved you, MaryAnn. A real beauty of a creation. The tears flow every single time I hear it--almost to the
point where it's too much (that happens to me with music--I almost can't go there most of the time, despite being a musician--
go figure...).

I'm sorry you're not feeling the kind of love and acceptance from your husband that you deserve--I'm sure you ARE a beautiful
freak. That song sort of represents for me the way I wish so desperately someone would feel about me. But it occurs to me
that it could be a song directed at ourselves by ourselves (a new take on the FUBU brand...FOBO). 

I was watching some Youtube vids last night and came across this interview with Rick Hanson that addresses the question of taking in compliments in a nourishing way.
What does it mean to "take" a compliment, anyway?? Until now, I guess I just considered it a matter of thanking the person complimenting you rather than denying what s/he says. It didn't occur to me that you could actually reap some soul-enriching benefit from being complimented...and that reaping these benefits is an ability you can cultivate.

https://youtu.be/BJR3LknDV1o

hey arpy1-

You must just be so likable she temporarily forgot she had a business relationship with you and wished she could be your friend! 

i want to share this song:   so very beautiful--one of my favorite of all time:

https://youtu.be/jEsecL5AbRA

Welcome, Shattered

The tale you tell is absolutely harrowing--how devastating all of this has been for you!! I feel for you in your deep torment. You are certainly not alone
in having something like this come along and blindsight you such that your whole reality doesn't hold up anymore. I'm sure everyone with enough life experience
has run across betrayal of some form--I'd been lucky enough to have largely steered clear of it till recently--and when it hits it can hit HARD.
There are a number of highly compassionate and insightful folks here who have reached out to me when I needed it--i'm sure you'll find that here, too. Much warmth
and caring coming your way.

Fie on that inner critic!! Maybe writing here as often as possible the ridiculous things it says can cut it down to size.

Mine:

You are a complete loser.
You'll never get out of this.
You haven't changed since you were 8 weeks old, you infant!!!
Good luck ever getting free of this terrible ball and chain--ain't gonna happen, missy!

No more true in your case than in mine, the big liar!

I'm going to attend a "depression recovery group" tonight, my first ever. Hoping for the best....

Congrats, Dutch Uncle. There's nothing like having good times with true and fun friends.

talented
kind
open-minded
creative (once you scratch the surface)
egalitarian (not snobby)

I'm glad you feel vindicated in your feelings by your roommate expressing proper outrage at how you were treated!!
If there weren't good cause to be raging, you wouldn't be!
I don't know what to say about what happens with rage like this over the long haul--still trying to figure that out myself.
If i come across anything helpful, I'll let you know, and you do the same, okay?

I'm so glad there's finally been a backlash against medicating everyone who comes down the pike. For years it seemed I couldn't see a doctor or therapist of any type
who wouldn't try to strong-arm me into taking medication once the fact of my depression was out. The line I so often heard was "If you were diabetic, would you refuse to
take insulin!?", usually uttered in a most exasperated fashion. Very grateful the medical climate has changed.

on the contrary. i'm just a slow responder...forgive me.

Many thanks, arpy1, for your indignation on my behalf! It feels great.

Now, for some of my own: 

And let that be for you, too, where needed!

Yup, getting appropriately angry can be difficult for me. I recall many instances as a kid when my getting angry would cause uproarious laughter among my family.

To the point when I couldn't help but laugh, too.

So everything was then solved, right, except that I was more furious than ever!

And I appreciate your psychological sophistication in cutting to the heart of the matter to call abuse abuse! Not, as you say, simple mean-spiritedness, but a real conscious attempt to drag someone else down.

Thanks for helping me beat back the brainwashing a little farther. 

Really appreciate your responses, Kayfly and Dutch Uncle.

Nice to hear about your songwriting, Kayfly. How fantastic that you managed to finish a 5-year-old song. I myself have some 10-year-old material that needs to be given form and put to rest, to make way for the new! Thanks for your faith that that stuff can come back, given time and rest.

And thank you, Dutch Uncle, for pointing out that not connecting with one person doesn't determine the script for what connections are possible with all sorts of other people.  .

You both have made me feel a little more connected.

I'm having a difficult time inhabiting a world that once was very rewarding and affirming for me. As though it's been poisoned by the disregard of the person I used to be in an abusive relationship with. To be specific, I have been a musician all my life. Music is something I've practiced from a very young age and developed quite a bit of skill with. My job is (currently---I like to feel that all things are still possible, even at the age of 45) to teach piano and violin privately (mostly to kids), play weekly at a church (sans religion, in my mind), and do a number of freelance gigs involving many types of music-making: fiddling when necessary, jazz comping on the piano when called for, soloistic violin stuff--a mishmash of things I'm called upon to do and that I set out to do myself based on interest, goals, etc. It used to be something I was very excited about, if at times over-stretched and stressed out by it by taking on too many disparate unrelated tasks. This interest was hard-won, after many floundering years in my 20's when I couldn't quite believe in what I was doing, and finally managed to branch out from the very limited musical scope in which I was operating. Having succeeded at doing this, I felt wonderful, as you only can when you've traveled to a new and more desirable place through your own efforts. Throughout the course of this abusive relationship, however, my boyfriend showed himself more and more to have zero appreciation of this, and zero interest in it. "All you're interested in is music. I don't even like music", I would hear. I guess I would rather be someone who can be reached on many levels and through many different avenues, and not be so limited in how I get meaning/enjoyment from life. But that was my way. Shaky enough, I guess, that his what felt like heartless criticism was enough to derail me. Sure, I continue to do what I've done, but with a deadened spirit and the loss of the enthusiasm I once had. Any thoughts on how not to let mean-spirited attitudes rob you of the things that once offered you support?

Thanks for reading.