Messages

Hi Everyone
Many thanks for your posts.
Yes using the word 'condemned' poses some thought. There are various meanings for condemned in the dictionary. One that I relate to is 'force (someone) to endure'. In my mind i process my childhood as being forced to endure mental and physical trauma, year after year, after year. I know condemned is a very strong word, but i believe it suits my (and many others) situations.

For those who suffered childhood trauma, they had their persona and self-beliefs altered in their entirety, forever. Never able to live the life they were meant to. I'm not saying that things can't improve, because they truly can. I'm simply saying that this is a psychiatric fact. God have mercy on our souls!
With love to all
Silverspoon

Hi everyone

Some time ago, and after I was diagnosed with CPTSD the words 'Condemned to a Life Not My Own' came to me. These words spoke to me. These words described how I felt to a tee. These words made my heart bleed!
Out of curiosity can anyone relate to these words?
Silverspoon

Well said woodsgnome.
Silverspoon

Dear burningmonk
Thankyou so much for your post, you explain this strategy very well.
Silverspoon

Hi Rebelsue
Oh how I can relate to this. I struggled with my story for over fifty years. I felt so alone, so different. Any amount and type of words just never met the mark. In later years I never talked about it or if the issues ever came up I used to down play things as i didn't have to attempt to give my story  the attention it deserved. I always felt exhausted before i even got started and i always felt that it didn't take too long before my audience got bored. What i had to tell couldn't be covered in just a few words.

After I was diagnosed with CPTSD I did a lot of research about the symptoms and i could relate to everything that was written. I felt real... a whole person. But i needed to tell my story... the diagnosis was the catalyst to my writing my story. I took three and a half years to write my story... which i called 'Condemned to a Life not Your Own'.
Can any of you relate to these words?
Silverspoon

Dear bluepalm and everyone else
Your posts have been very interesting. I can relate only too well.
blupalm your story about what happened to you as a baby makes my heart bleed for you.

After my diagnosis and learning a bit about C-PTSD, I did some self-help visualization stuff to do with the inner child. One day I felt a strong urge to write about my losing my identity as a child and wanting to connect with my myself back then. This poem helped me to accept my condition and love myself as a whole.(me and my inner child, whom i continue to care for through my mind and soul) My writing this poem gave me hope and peace.
Despite the adversities associated with my disorders, I simply won't give up trying to live a happier life; I will forever try to go beyond my symptoms, and I hope the same for you.

Its called a Shadow of a Child.

The real me is still inside
Only a shadow of a child
But I will find ways to bring her to the fore
More and more, more and more
My identity was taken from me
I was only a child you see
Because of trauma and tragedy
A false me was destined to be
My mental ways are here to stay
But I will not let them have their way
At least not every day
I will fight for me come what may
The real me is still inside
Only a shadow of a child
But I will find ways to bring her to the fore
More and more, more and more
Lost she has been
So, lost she couldn't be seen
Her happiness and kindness is what I need to glean
I take one step at a time
I don't want to frighten her
She stays a while and then she is gone
She stays a while and then she is gone
Each day as the sun shines bright
I will bring her into the light
We connect with love and respect
We connect with such love and respect
The real me is still inside
Only a shadow of a child
But I will find ways to bring her to the fore
More and more, more and more
She loves to play
She loves to sing
Everything happy she does bring
So, tender I must be, with the little girl who's me
If all I have is a snippet of her
Just now and then, just now and then
I will be so grateful to the end
To the very end
I am older now you see
I can only change certain things about me
But each day I try for differences
Anything to do with the authentic me.

With love
Silverspoon

Hi Rudi
I have been away for a week or so and was wondering how you are and how things are going?
Thinking of you...
Silverspoon

Hi Rudi
I too, looked after my mother before she passed on. I grieved immensely until I realised how much beautiful time we spent together after she came to live with me. Try and centre your thoughts about the time you spent with your mother and think good thoughts about yourself in regards to the care and kindness you would have given her.
It sounds like there are some emotions surrounding the meeting with your brother. Perhaps you need to give this some attention with your counseling sessions.
Kizzie is right perhaps you need more support at present.
Warm regards
Silverspoon