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Thank you BlackPanther.   

I know many of us have experienced the "you need to get over it..."  from supposed friends.

My manager's mother passed away two weeks ago.

He has a bad relationship with his mother and younger sister (just like me)

Last week I gave him a supportive hug and he started talking about it.

He then mentioned the name of his sister......   Which is the same name as my abusive sister.   

I recoiled at the sound of her name.  ( Between h and I we have a nickname for her which is much easier).

I said "OMG that is the name of my sister" and I showed him how my hand was shaking.  I then tried to say the name myself to get used to it.

He said something about "you need to get over it.."


I found myself JADEing as in "it was just recently I realized "I" am not the abuser but the abused....." etc etc.

So we are now on week two since his mother died.  He comes in late then takes off with a lame excuse and disappears for the rest of the day.  He is "tired" and everyone is so sad for his loss. 

There I am running the store alone ....  I am sorry for his loss too, but as he says

" YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT!!!!!"     

Had to get this out in a place where people understand....

Thank you for sharing this Kizzie.

Explains what I have been going through as I wrote in another thread.

I saved the following

"You feel little, fragile and helpless. Everything feels too hard. Life is too scary.  Being seen feels excruciatingly vulnerable. Your battery seems to be dead. In the worst flashbacks an apocalypse feels like it will imminently be upon you.  When you are trapped in a flashback, you are reliving the worst emotional times of your childhood"

because it expains why I am always literally on my toes and will jump and run before anyone knows what is going on.  For example DH and I were in the garage and the fire alarm went off -house on fire huge trigger - I literally jumped and ran so fast I was not sure what was going on I felt airbound as if I was flying while pumping my legs like the cartoons.  Turned out to be stuff on the stove boiling. 

Now I understand it is a layered flashback I was wondering what that means as I read it in another thread.

I do not know what to write your kind replies touched me.     

I am seeing a therapist tomorrow hopefully she will help too.   

I am not sure where to turn because I am not sure what is going on.

We moved up north to cold weather and less sunlight.
We moved far away from FOO -good thing.
We are in a bigger house than I would have liked.
I have yet to feel at home here.
I am in the middle of a career change and do not know what to do with my new degree.
I feel stuck in the house because I am scared of the ice etc outside.
I wanted to move because I did not like the desert but the house we were in was my first real home and it hurt to move because of the house

I was abused by my sibling the GC memories of her traumatize me

Before we moved I would feel a pain in my chest which I figured was the old pain and my IC.  I got used to nurturing that pain and it did not seem so bad.

After we moved and when winter set in (I had no distractions) I sit here every day and the pain overwhelms me to the point where I am not eating.  I think I am getting flashbacks but I am not sure.  I attribute it to this big house which I do not like it does not feel like home. Yet I think it is something more, triggers galore I guess. 

I am working on seeing a therapist too BTW.

Help!

good stuff here.  I do not have anything to add just wanted to thank you for posting and sharing.

I can't tell you how much I've been fantasizing about living in a cabin in the woods...far far away from other humans.

I had that fantasy for decades and here I am in the middle of ten acres of woods. 

The neighbor who has two acres running along our ten filled it with a dirt bike track speaking of noise.  I am ready to move and we just got here.  Counting the days.  Maybe 100 acres next time. 

I am sensitive to noise and light.

I like this too.  A few years ago I wrote a note to myself with my non-dominate hand.  It asked me if I could come out and play.

Yesterday I decided it was time to do IC exercises again.  I brewed some tea and sat with her. We talked and had a real good time.  I actually felt like I wanted it to never end just like when you are talking to a good friend and having a great time.   

I tried to do it again today and came up with tons of excuses.  Poor little child.  This stuff is very difficult.  When I think of my child I feel a huge ball of pain in my chest.  Sometimes it chokes me. 

I think of my FOO as little children too.  So sad they hurt so much so they had to hurt others.  So sad they keep hurting and have to pass it on. 

Oops got off topic a bit what I wanted to say was after my "talk" I felt so light and free.  I danced for the first time in almost a year and sang a bit too.

I am reading a book called "Come Back: A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through * and Back" by Claire Fontaine which prompted yesterday's "talk".    Not sure how I am going to feel now that mother and daughter are slowly healing and getting along...  We will see..  So far it is a very good book.

Interesting thread.

I wonder about this because I was the star as a baby/young child.  My mom used to take pictures of me and my baby book is full of stuff.  We lived in the redwoods and everything was like a fantasy land for me. 

Then we moved to the suburbs.  I went to school and my peers shut me out.  Just as we say here my mom also shut me out because I was not her perfect little model/doll she could play with.


DH, on the other hand, was adopted after spending five weeks in the hospital.  His adopted mother took care of him but she is distant and cold.  (why they adopted....?  Don't know....)

We both have abandonment issues but I seem to have that thread of strength and hope which helps me carry on and find a way out.  DH gives up and falls into a deep depression.

I suspect those first years might have given me enough to tread water wheras DH feels helpless and sinks. ....?  He did not have a lifeline, anyone someone in life to give him hope. 

I also had my loving grandma who was able to demonstrate love.  I did not understand it at the time but I knew i loved to be with her.

As for siblings I have (originally typed "had") a sister which helped sometimes when we could talk about it and were in it together.  Yet sometimes she would minimize and deny especially when it comes to the men in our FOO.  Then there were issues when I had my own person my sister would turn on me. 

Now I see she might be PD too because she has a difficult time seeing others as human instead of her servants. 

For me I think if I did not have a sibling it would have been easier OR if I had a sibling with more introspection etc. 

You are lucky to have a sibling on "your side". 

I agree it is awesome.  Six months is a long time without red flags. 


Mine finally sees the abuse from my parents as she is the SG now that I am NC.  Yet she still thinks there is nothing wrong with her it is everyone else that needs fixing.  I tried to stay in contact but it is too triggering even if she is not directing the abuse at me.  Plus I can see the subtle ways she disregards me as a person. 

I am (was) so screwed up and empty I have to start with my dog.  Slowly I am beginning to trust that he is not staring at me or following me around to find a crack so he can break me down.  Slowly I am beginning to understand that my dog loves me in a way where he is on my side.  If I screw up he worries that we (as a group) will not survive.  He is with me on this and he wants me to be strong.  I do not have to extend myself to show him I love him and care.  Even if I smile and giggle he is happy and content.   I have love in me and am able to demonstrate love to him.   

Hard to put into words but for me the dog is the easiest place to start as the humans in my life are too complicated and scary.

So difficult this concept of love (trust, etc) when I had no demonstration of it growing up. 

It's too bad we are all so poorly educated here.

NOT!   

  I agree.

This concept is what helps me when I recognize one of my ego states.  I have compassion for my self because I know it is the only thing I knew as a child.   Yes true it does not work now yet I am thankful to recognize it and thankful most of my anger is out and I am in a different stage of recovery. 

For me it is amazing to see so many of my dark traits in the FOO.  So amazing they managed to pin them on me and I believed it. 

Thank you both for your kind loving welcomes..   


This journey is difficult but rewarding.  We just moved across country which helps clear the air physically but they still live in my mind. 

The more I clear the air the more I see how "I" am my worst enemy!  I do not need my toxic sister I am perfectly able to abuse myself, thank you.

I am also finding a place of compassion in my heart for my FOO (distance helps I am sure!).  I see how they are victims of abuse and had to pass it on to survive.

I am glad to be here because I spent a few years so angry at them and wasting so much of ME ranting and raving about the injustice of it all.  I lost so much sleep and probably many years of my life.   Not to mention the decades in the FOG when I believed I was the Bad Person and the reason for all that is wrong in the world.

I no longer struggle with showing how Good I am to others.  I am slowly accepting ME as I am.  I am okay. I am lovable because I am ME.

Then I feel self-centered for writing this post.  Ah it is wonderful being the SG.   

Hello I heard about this site on OOTF.  This site has so much to help me at this stage in my journey.

I am "findingmyhome" on OOTF too.

My story is much like anyone's here we might switch the players around but the dynamics are the same.

My abuser is my PDsis.  My parents passively encouraged the abuse.  I thought my mom was the terror while my dad stood in the background but that was FOG thinking.  My dad stuck around and he is (was) just as mentally off as the rest of us. 

My FOO tendency is to favor the opposite sex and compete with members of our sex.  I pointed this out to sis who denied it (of course) all the while she will complain about mom, grandma, and other females and worship the males.  Neither of us have women friends we are the types that wives hate (I hope that is a past tense for me).  Ironically both of us are married.  Her husband must stay under her thumb while she critizises other women for asking her to stay away from their husbands.

Coming OOTF I see so much PD in the FOO males too.  Subtle manipulative darkness.  I was so blind to this for so many years. 

Ugh.  Now when I see the FOO women flock around grandpa's tall proud egotistcal self I want to puke.   He even calls us "his girls". 

Nobody is innocent in my FOO.  Only my now gone grandma tried to break through this craziness and of course she is still the Bad Person even after being dead for over a decade.  She was willing to take the blame and oh how they shovel it on her. 

I tried to connect with extended FOO taking the blame and wow what a load I had to carry. 

I am now NC with all FOO. It is so much easier to find my real self, my home, and grow up the right way. 

Thank you to the people who help keep these sites going and who come here to share.   

findingmyhome - if you decide to stay with the OOTS forum, please do read the wonderful Welcome post by Kizzie in the Introduction section, along with an introduction about yourself.

If not, then Grace and Healing on Your Journey!   

Rain

Hugs back Rain, thank you.  I read Kizzie's post and will write an introduction.