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Aww thank you Blueberry, good to see you. 

[25th November 2021]

25th November 2021

Have been grieving a lot lately and crying over broken relationships, wondering what's so awful about me and why I'm so unloveable. It's been one long emotional flashback triggered by present day disappointment. I've connected it to all the inner child parts in me who each experienced emotional neglect at various life stages. I think the patterns are just repeating themselves due to my childlike hope for change and poor emotional boundaries. I couldn't sleep last night so had cuddles with my dog, who as always was eager to snuggle under the blanket and be as close to me as possible.

It struck me that this is what unconditional love, emotional availability and connection looks like. There are no stupid mind games or repeated rejections. When she needs her space she takes it and when she needs something from me she vocalises it. It's so straightfoward. I'm so thankful that my husband is emotionally available too and that I didn't repeat the cycle in my marriage. He doesn't always get it right of course, humans don't, but he does consistently act in good faith and considers my feelings.

My mind feels a bit clearer this morning after some fairly okay sleep (still broken, but quite good for me) and a good session of yoga where the focus was upon letting things go. I can see that I need to reduce my expectations of people. I also think that when someone shows me who they truly are, I really do need to believe them the first time and stop making excuses for their toxic behaviour. I have a lot of empathy for what other people are going through and understand that this can influence their behaviour, however I end up prioritising their needs above my own and assume far too much responsibility for their actions (or inaction). I think I'm at the point where I need to let go and accept that the distance and very low contact/superficial connection they've put in place is probably for the best. It's resistance to this and fantasing about things being better which causes the ongoing pain.

The responsibility thing really is key. When someone repeatedly hurts me, that's my cue to look at the relationship and consider what I can do to protect myself. The same applies to others too. If I'm inadvertently hurting them then they have control in the sense that they can either communicate this to me or choose to put boundaries in place. I think there are going to be many more tears and heartache but I hope I can find some way to move on and have healthy emotional boundaries.

I don't think the kind of toxicity and dysfunction you describe are things that can ever be made sense of. Anyone who intentionally harms children and/or animals has entered the realm of psychopathy in my opinion. Their behaviour cannot possibly make sense to those who are capable of empathy and have a moral compass. It sounds like you've experienced a lifetime of abuse and that your siblings have been emotionally manipulated and are caught up deeply in the dysfunction.

It's not fair to have been dealt that kind of lot in life, I know, and there's so much there to process and grieve. I'm so sorry that your abusive mother has put you through all this. 

Thank you all so much for reading and responding. I think the CPTSD taints everything and makes things seem 1000 times more overwhelming than they other otherwise would. 

Another thing that came up over the weekend which I've been processing is my mother in law getting angry/upset that I was upstairs napping when she visited to drop a present off. On my part this was scheduled self care and quiet time to re-regulate my nervous system after the shock of my F coming here, which I thought my husband had explained to her and had been understood. It was actually his suggestion too, so I didn't foresee any issues. Unfortunately this blatantly wasn't communicated well though and she ended up with different expectations. I think part of the problem is that my husband walks on eggshells around her due to her extreme anxiety and tries to please everyone, when in this scenario it would have been best to just give the facts to her straight. I've been really upset and frustrated about it because it was like, seriously...I've never asked anything of them before and the one time I do I get invalidated and treated like I'm a crap person for it. I think I've now smoothed things over with her and see that her outburst came from a place of insecurity and her own unresolved trauma, however it's really shown me just how important emotional boundaries really are. I feel bad that there was a misunderstanding and that she ended up feeling bad, but I don't feel this is my stuff. She's waiting for a response from me to her last email and I know she will be feeling anxious about waiting which makes me feel like I should rush one out to her (which would be me prioritising her over writing this response to you guys!) and the authentic self becoming stronger within me is saying flat out: "NOPE". I sympathise but I'm not going to feel responsible for another person's emotional difficulties when I've got enough on my own plate. She can wait until I'm in a convenient place myself to respond.  I feel like that when someone makes a scene the way she did they're really just trying to make everyone believe, however unconsciously, that their feelings and needs are more important than everyone else's, which isn't fair.

I understand feeling shame about those things and it's not wrong to feel that way. But nothing you have done or described below is shameful on YOUR part. Of course you know that, and yet we get those deep painful feelings anyway, and logic doesn't help it go away.

Thanks for your lovely post Armee, yes this is it. It's one thing to know logically that the shame isn't mine to bear but another thing entirely to feel it and to then trust that self validation.

I'm very fortunate to have a grounded husband who is supportive of my no contact with my father and isn't afraid to stand up to people. He was able to keep calm and assertive and I was so thankful of him for dealing with it. I'm just nowhere near there for all that.

You sound like such a brilliant mom. When I look around me it seems that self awareness and knowing when to ask for help are things which really do make all the difference when it comes to parenting. 

IMO feeling shame about whether or not you should help your F is 'normal' for want of of a better word because you are a compassionate human being. Sometimes though we're not as compassionate towards ourselves as we are to others which is where our CPTSD comes in I think.  Our boundaries were trashed (or non-existent) and so we're uncomfortable when we put them in place, even when it's to stop others from hurting/using/abusing us.  But if we don't, some people like your F will take advantage. We can't accept that anymore if we want to be healthy and happy. If your F is anything like my M he will find a way to get his needs met if you are not there to serve him. 

I delayed having a child for years because of my CPTSD - didn't think I could handle parenting or give him what he would need.  Women are having children later in life so there is time to look after your recovery and check in as you go along to see how you feel on the issue.  It may change, it may not. 

The work and friendship issues - it seems to me that these are an issue because you are changing and recovering, that your needs are becoming more and more important but it's still uncomfortable?  Just a thought I had as I was reading . Change isn't easy or comfortable I've found but it signals something important usually.

Just some thoughts Blues, I hope they help even a little.   

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Kizzie. My F will get his needs met, you're right. I was probably the easiest route for this since I live so close and now he will just go elsewhere and call on other family instead. It's really uncomfortable but without boundaries in place we are just way too open to being taken advantage of.

You've given me good pause for thought on the work and friendship issues, I've always gone with the flow and protected other people's feelings, or just simply assumed that I'm wrong whenever I don't feel comfortable with something. Realistically with the former friendship, it's possible we're just both going through a tough time with personal things that the other might not know about (she has no idea about the estrangement with my father or my anxiety issues), or just simply need different people around us. I think most people accept that friendships come and go, but I have a hard time with this for some reason. I need to learn to let go of it somehow.

I appreciate you sharing all of this.  Something I find so difficult is how CPTSD touches every single part of our life and we get no break from it.  I am here with you feeling similar things in my own way.  I notice how you are doing your best to share your experience with trusted people and hope that sharing takes away some of the bigness of the feelings. 

Thanks, yes, I find this such a supportive community and somehow never feel too self-conscious or afraid to post things that I would be really afraid of getting ridiculed for normally. I really appreciate it. 

1. Estranged father came to my home last week, uninvited, unexpected and unwanted and kept ringing the doorbell. He would't go away so I asked my husband to answer it. DH told him to stop with the visits and my father played the victim and claimed he doesn't know what he's done wrong. On my part there's shame about this on two levels. Firstly, I didn't ever give my father a specific reason for no contact and just stopped engaging with him. I cannot deal with conflict and I know with him that there's just no point due to his delusions, lack of self awareness and little empathy. He loves drama too and will involve other people. I just want to be left to heal in peace. Secondly, there's the shame of his constant inability to take ownership of his behaviour - 4 YEARS since we last spoke and still he can't do the work and fathom out for himself that his behaviour drove me away? Plus I think he's only trying to pressure me into contact now after 4 years of no meaningful attempts because he's getting old, needs an operation and will want someone to drive him around to appointments because his wife can't drive. That in itself is shaming because he doesn't genuinely care about me at all, it's all about what I can do for him. Then there's the added shame of "well, should I be helping him out?"

2. I let a friendship die this past year and I feel bad about it still. I just can't get over the feeling that I've done something wrong and that I should have made more effort. To be honest though she had seemed pretty disinterested for a while and was sending mixed messages/only engaging really on her terms (but was still making more effort than I was in fairness), plus we didn't have much in common anymore. I'm conflicted about whether to get in touch and offer an olive branch anyway though, because we live in a small town and bumping into her is so awkward otherwise. It might be too much at the moment saying that, it had reached a point where we weren't hugely close and I can't be "fun" for her at the moment. I don't know whether depression, anxiety and CPTSD just completely skews my perception of it all and whether I can truly trust my feelings. I just don't know. Regardless, I feel shame over it.

3. When I first started at my husband's workplace 5 or so years ago a couple of his work colleagues' behaviour towards me was demeaning and passive aggressive. There were two or three occasions where I would see them smirking when I was talking or hear them making backhanded comments after I had left the room. Just high school bullying type behaviour really. I had a bit of a heart to heart over many things with my husband yesterday and this was one of the things I shared, which he was completely shocked and disappointed about because he's had a completely different experience with these two people and could never have imagined (one of them at least) behaving like this. Part of me is relieved to finally get my truth out there about this (why should I stay quiet?!) and part of me is ashamed that something about me provoked them to behave like this in the first place and that I've now potentially made things awkward for my husband. Thankfully I don't work there anymore, but he does. I assured him that I'm over it, that I understood that he has had a different experience with these people and that I don't expect him to react or make a deal out of it. I still feel bad about it though and wonder whether I should have told him or just kept quiet. Part of me also really wanted to finally let him know though.

4. Another of the many things that my husband and I spoke about yesterday was whether or not we want children. Honestly, it's not something I've ever had my heart set on and with my mental health where it is at the moment I just can't imagine coping with it or enjoying it. My husband is 50/50 and says that he could go either way with it, but he acknowledges that as the main breadwinner he wouldn't be the one having to deal with the day to day care (as much). I feel shame because as a woman of 33 I feel like I should really want this, and I just don't. I'm open to this changing if my mental health improves because maybe my outlook on life will too, but right now I just can't picture it. I wish I could just go back to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now, do the work on myself rather than sticking my head in the ground and reach the age I am now with a healthier sense of self, better boundaries, assertiveness, etc. All the things I want a child to have in their possession but which I just don't have a handle on right now. How can I teach a child these things if I can't healthily model it myself?

So there you go, just ranting really and getting these things out of my head. This is how my CPTSD informed brain is currently processing these things. Just feels like a lot to cope with right now.

Thank you so much Blueberry. 

I know I am making big progress, I just feel stuck because the next step feels like a big leap. I don't fully understand what the problem is - honestly, I have been rejected a lot in my life and I am scared of it but once it actually happens usually I feel relief because I expect it to happen. I think trying to break it down into smaller chunks and trying to make small steps like practicing video interviews will be helpful to me.

That sounds like a really sensible thing to do, lots of practice so that you know what to expect and can generate some stock answers to interview questions. It sounds like you might have some anticipatory anxiety, where you become avoidant of certain situations because the discomfort you feel when you think of them feels overwhelming and encourages you to think that the worst might happen. I think you're probably far more capable than you realise and often things like interviews are nowhere near as bad as our minds build them up to be.

I totally relate and sympathise though because it does feel horrible. I also struggled at university and dropped out after three months because I just felt lost and overwhelmed. I'd gone into it with the similar mindset that I'd magically turn into a different person, but C-PTSD wasn't on my radar back then and knowing what I know now it's no surprise it was a huge struggle and that I didn't just 'come out of my shell' the way that other young people might have done.

I think it helps to have the mindset of continuing to move forward, however small the steps might be. I've found CBT to be really helpful in understanding what is happening in my brain when I start to feel anxious in certain situations and a lot of the practical techniques can be really helpful. Maybe this might be a useful thing to look into.

Thank you, it wasn't an easy decision and I have mixed emotions at the moment. I was working at the same company as my husband and although it worked well on the most part, I was starting to feel trapped in another person's schedule (i.e. we lift shared and if he got delayed by two hours at the end of the day then that automatically meant I lost two hours of my evening too). The commute was long and stressful for a part time job, plus in the office I felt like I was sitting in a goldfish bowl in front of a big window with a security camera positioned above my desk which could be viewed on a monitor upstairs (I don't think this was intentional, it was more for everyone to see the front door when reception isn't covered...still not comfortable with it though). I was allowed to take my dog in with me due to her separation anxiety and being unable to be left alone, which sounds nice in theory but she was so hyper vigilant about people coming and going and barking at the front door that it ended up putting me on edge. The job itself is pretty boring too with no prospect of doing anything different or being promoted, so although it's all 'safe' and good in that respect, it's felt like I've been stagnating for a long time.

That said, the managing director just phoned me and afterwards I started crying because he was so complimentary and genuinely sounded regretful about me leaving. I really thought he didn't like me or value me that much. Stupid anxiety and low self worth has clearly been lying to me. I think it's really hit me because I've had myself convinced that I'm 'bad', not that capable and that I won't be missed, whereas they're saying the exact opposite and coming across as really genuine. I still think I've probably made the right decision, but I feel really sad now. A big part of it is just fear of change and insecurity about my own capabilities to generate an income I think - it's overwhelming!

Eek, I've finally handed in my notice. I have a little e-commerce business I've been building up (or trying to) over the past 5 years and I'm leaving to concentrate on doing that full time. I was feeling really anxious about having to go back to sitting in an office (having had over a year of working from home and being able to have quiet time and regular breaks when needed), so it was the push I needed to go for it.

Have just done the hard bit of doing the dreaded phone call and emailing across the formal letter. Now I'm sitting here kinda thinking, "Err, what have I just done?" lol 

My business venture might work or it might go spectacularly wrong, but with lockdown easing here really steaming ahead I don't think I would ever have left until I really pushed myself to. I hope I've done the right thing! 

i'm sorry you've been feeling depressed, it really is horrible. Coping with life seems to be pretty much about having things to look forward to and the regular dopamine hit from achieving goals and experiencing new things. With lockdown it's just been...flat. I think perhaps when you've done a lot of the hard work of processing trauma you do get left with a lot of resentment and hopelessness for the current state of things, because you then have the really hard task of trying to find your place in a world where your experiences have really given you a disadvantage. Lockdown restrictions have made it very hard to make any improvements to your circumstances where they might be needed, so you're left stuck in a state of inertia. I think this YouTube video explains the function of depression quite well, if it's of any interest: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVVWcfnnlmU I find that with some understanding of what my brain and body are trying to achieve by experiencing depression, its relation to C-PTSD and the current situation in the world makes a lot of sense.

Good to see you've been able to get out and about in the sun and got your credit card paid off too, little successes do add up and help with overall wellbeing. 

NAPAC is an organisation which provides support to adults who have survived an abusive childhood. They offer email and phone support services, recommended reading, downloads, links to legal advice and many other resources.

https://napac.org.uk/

Hi James. 

I'm glad that you're noticing a shift in your perception, it sounds like you're really moving in the right direction. I think the side effects of trauma can often leave us open to intense rumination on the past, which can cause us to overlook the control that we can have on our circumstances in the present. It can lead us to eternity thinking, believing that we will always be stuck with intense, negative feelings when in reality the way we choose to approach our healing is the number one thing that we can have control over in the present day. You can't stop thoughts from occuring, but you can choose how much importance you place upon them and whether or not to believe them.

I think it can help too to distinguish between which negative feelings are being caused by past trauma and which are being caused by present day situational dissatisfaction, in order to then be able to take the correct approach to feel better. Emotion from trauma and emotional flashbacks can be approached with self-care and appropriate grieving, whereas situational discomfort (relationships, work, living arrangements, etc.) can be approached with practicality, planning and action. Personally it's taken me a long time to differentiate between the two and to begin to develop a similar attitude to the stoical thinking that you describe. It's not always easy and the approaches can get muddied, particularly if going through an emotional flashback.

The Derren Brown audiobooks sound very helpful. I believe there's a lot of positive guidance to be gained regarding neuroplasticity and healthy approaches to thinking via that route. Audiobooks, podcasts and videos are a great way for the brain to receive repeated, positive reinforcement of healthier thinking patterns. Eckhart Tolle is a firm favourite for me at the moment, he has many talks on YouTube about remaining present and recognising the ego which are endlessly comforting and helpful.

The thing that makes this hard, is the judgement of others. Not just our abusers, but the others in our lives who have watched our stories with detachment, disgust and even amusement. Society encourages this kind of judgement, a kind of moral police state set up to weed out the weak vulnerable and sensitive for entertainment, look at reality TV. Well... who cares?

Really, who cares? JUdgement like that is meaningless, but olny if you want it to be.

Personally, I seemed awash with this kind of judgemental clacking all my life. British society is dreadful for it. Gossiping, class-driven, socially climbing up, anti-establishment pointing down, protestant work ethic, the tyranny of cool, a million little trip wires designed to unhinge your childhood and beyond.

Yes, I entirely agree. I think the culture we have in the UK of judging other people's business and gossiping is awful and shaming. People can be so black and white in their thinking and unfair when judging other people's circumstances, usually very quickly and without taking the time to think through both sides with any kind of empathy. We have a real hero vs villain obsession in UK society too I believe, which is perpetuated by our awful tabloid media. It takes a while to deprogram yourself from it and to realise how toxic it is. Sometimes I get stuck on being irritated by people blindly following this attitude, then remember that I mostly have a choice in what media I consume and who I choose to surround myself with. The radio gets switched off as soon as the news begins because I don't need my day to be interrupted by 5 minutes of fear and despair. Now I've stopped listening it seems really weird to me that interjecting endless negativity like that into someone's day every hour is even a thing that's socially acceptable. You would think that to keep a population mentally healthy and stable that there should at least be a balance of both negative headlines and positive. I guess that's the idea behind it though, it keeps everyone either a little bit fearful or otherwise just desensitised to it, neither of which are healthy for the individual.  But I digress!

You are not selfish, mean, emotionally detached or cruel to protect yourself and move on, you are being human. Most of these people don't even care, and never have, so why do we care about them and what they think? We were in the storm, they weren't, and if their judgement keeps that storm going, then it is up to us to turn off those judgments and the hurt they cause, or we think that they cause, in our own minds.

Absolutely. People judge based on their perception of your reality and that in turn is influenced by their own set of circumstances and experiences. Someone who has had a stable, largely content upbringing is highly unlikely to understand what a person with C-PTSD has been through, and it's unrealistic to expect them to. Not many people have the emotional intelligence to really try either, unless you have a deep connection to them and they're invested in you. My own husband only ever really scratched the surface of seeing what I had been through when I completely broke down emotionally a few years ago and could no longer function: actions (or reactions) can speak so much louder than words. I try not to pay random people's opinions too much mind nowadays, nor even share my past with them in the first place. I think it gets easier to have boundaries in that respect as you start to validate your own experiences more; you rely less on trying to gain validation from other people.

I agree, it is vital stuff. Good for you for working through it all and persevering. 

Hi woodsgnome.  I know this was a few days ago now but I just want to add that I also think you did great with reinstating your boundaries. It sounds like you tapped into a lot of healthy emotional resilience in order to protect yourself. 

Not entirely sure why I'm writing this way about what was a somewhat positive response. I should feel good about that, right? But ... well, you know, I'm sure; those circular fears that go like this --- 

When it comes to thoughts and feelings I'm of the belief that "should" doesn't apply. The brain's a complex thing and if something triggers your amygdala (and it's entirely understandable that an encounter like this would) then you can only ride the waves of emotion the best that you can and be kind to yourself until it passes. It's natural to try to think our way out of feeling the discomfort but emotions often can't be explained or reasoned with.

In terms of the inner family system, it sounds like this could be a younger version of you who feels a bit shaken by the encounter and needs a little time to feel okay again. 

Now I'm left to wonder -- will I be left alone or always subject to harassment from others who don't seem to get the message.

The uncertainty is difficult, I know. The higher self you describe is still in you though! It wasn't a fluke, it was all you. You showed that you were capable of defending yourself. As an adult you are entitled to feel safe and enforce your boundaries even if people do attempt to violate them again. 

I put in so much effort and so many tears without any real direction, as a child, and they couldn't even address their own mistakes? I'm not the incompetent one.

So, so true. You've no doubt carried a lot of shame that was never rightfully yours to have to bear.

I'm definitely not the one who messed up a whole dang kid and then blamed the kid and guiltily hid away the evidence.

It's a positive step to not only acknowledge but really feel that truth. It's one thing to inflict dysfunction and abuse upon a child in the first place and I think it's another thing entirely to then never own it and deny any responsibility. I think it's so cowardly. By placing the blame where it belongs and confronting these issues you are doing the brave, hard work that allows you to feel more confident and in charge of who you want to be and how you want to live your life. 

Thanks Blueberry I probably sounded like a nutcase but meh, nasty scam man.