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"It may feel like the whole house of cards is going to crash down, but perhaps the reality is you will end up being able to build a lovely, strong house that won't fall apart, where you'll be genuinely safe and can be more yourself.  If the people in your life have to shift, it's possible it will be a positive change in the end where they know you better, more honestly (which in turn allows others to be more themselves)."

You speak wisely, Kizzie. There is a part of me, deep inside, that really wants to believe this. But Im to scared that the risk outweighs the possible gain. Im not a gambler by nature, and yet this is the riskiest gamble I could imagine. I could win. Or I could lose everything. Including my life.

I hope that you and your family grow and flourish with whatever it is that you are currently facing. Hang in there!

Hi Jazzy:)

Thank you for your response! I only saw it now.

Your acknowledgement and  understanding it appreciated!
It is complicated. On one hand, this intense 'away' program sounds exactly what I  need. I know Im reaching a point of 'do or die'.
I just cant seem to get past the very real and problematic 'other hand'.  I have 'smiling depression' - other than my doctor and best friend, no one else knows. I am high functioning and a great actress. No one even knows that Ive ever  gone to therapy; least of all my husband of 35 years (who has Asperger).
Letting anyone know, would mean the whole card house crashing. It could also seriously affect the health of my 90 year old parents ( who have BPD and NPS)
Thanks for the support . Its a lonely journey

My psychiatrist is very worried about my current depression, and is pressuring me to go away to a 3 month, intensive program, and then go to a daily outpatient program. I know I need help, and once a week with a therapist isn't enough.
My family doesn't even  know that I have any mental / emotional issues (Im a GREAT actress!), and for numerous reasons, they mustn't  find out. I also have a job and cant just take off for months.

Im feeling trapped. 

Hi Lucy,

Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and insightful words. You seem to be someone very caring and empathetic. I dont really have the luxury to read other posts often, but know that I still care about all my 'brothers and sisters' who are struggling to see the sunrise.

Im sorry that you are going though a hard time now. Our struggles are so individual; so uniquely ours. Yet by sharing our pain in a safe place - like here- we not only half the burden, but double the support. We are a team; giving and taking in tandem. Holding each other up, and by definition, holding ourselves up too.

With so much going on in the world life is stressful. Personally, I am calm in the face of the virus, perhaps because my inner struggles still outweigh the external. My definite emotional pain is more real to me than a possible physical sickness.

My therapist called 3  days ago to say that he is flying overseas suddenly, and wont be back till this is all over. So, Im taking a deep breath, 'isolating' myself with God, and feeling safer than I have in a long time.
Go figure 

Hi Marta and Bella,

Welcome to the forum 

I must admit that I was really surprised to read your replies to my posts. Im so glad that somehow, I was able to help you via my own challenges. Helping others gives meaning to my struggles, and can be very empowering.

I wish I could wave my wand, and tell you that once you become older, the pain magically disappears.  I wish I cold tell that to myself. It doesnt. On the other hand, I have only recently begun this work of healing very recently. Whatever Ive gone through, and still go through, would be such a different journey had I known when I was young. 
Time doesnt always heal. Festering wounds dont heal with a Bandaid. All that does is hide them from sight. Infection needs to be uncovered and cleaned. Only then can real healing begin. And yes, we will be left with scars. Scars are reminders that we have been through challenges. And survived. And become stronger.

Hello RA,

Welcome to the group. I am also a newcomer, and trying to find my way around here.
Im sorry for not seeing this post sooner. I know how hard it is to trust enough in order to reach out into a scary vacuum. I hope you found a way to support yourself and hold on. When we are down and alone, it feels like the sun will never shine again.

I myself keep being sucked into the dark clouds. My head knows that they are nothing but air that I can wade through. But the heart feels those wispy clouds to be nothing less than solid brick walls. 

So sorry you are hurting. 

Thank you Snowdrop.
I appreciate the support, and love the hugs

Im not quite sure where this post should be, now that I am venturing out of the  newbie intro section. If this is the wrong place, feel free to move me.

I hope no one minds if I try to vent out a little over here. Im not in  a good place and am a bit worried about about myself (when Im not too numb or drugged to even feel that)

I started therapy about 2-3 years ago. I thought I was just in need of tools to help me survive my empty, silent marriage.  Other than that; my life was fine and my childhood okay.
Now, a few years and much work later, reality is SLOWLY starting to sink in (unless its  denial day).
My mom has NPD and my dad BPD.
My husband has Aspergers and while we live in the same house, and been married 35 years, if we exchange 5 sentences a week, its a good one.
I suspect that 4 of my 8 children have either ASD or BPD.
I suspect that some of my grown kids may have been abused at some point.
And this week, thoughts seem to be bubbling up that maybe I was also.

No one in my life; other than doctor, therapist and best friend, know that I am anything other than happy, in control and a leader. My family thinks Im a bit 'out of it'  just because Im "getting over Pneumonia and having a Fibromyalgia relapse". They are out of patience with both.

I seem to vacillate between dissociation and numb and extreme anxiety and pain. 
I think that my therapist and psychiatrist are very worried about me.  They asked if I want to be admitted. No!

Thanks for reading (if you have. If you havent, its fine - I will never know )

Snowdrop, thank you for that suggestion. IFS really is something that sounds very interesting.
Kizzie; I appreciate your input and insights. What you say makes sense.

For now, Im just trying to hang on hour by hour.

Some things came up this week that might be buried memories of something. If true, it would be huge stuff that will send me into a tailspin. Its very scary. Denial is much safer!

Im trying to decide whether to remain with my therapist or not. He is very good and experienced, but 2 1/2 years of talk therapy seems to be going very slowly. He keeps saying that Im not ready to deal with anything till Im stable, and to expect many years of work ahead.  (He isnt saying it because he wants my business. He has a waiting list of years) I feel that I will snap long before that, and need something faster. Both he, and the psychiatrist say that if I switch, it must be someone who does multiple modalities and not only 1-2. And that I must not get anyone with less that 25 years solid experience due to my complex history which is present as well as past. They feel that CPTSD is hard to treat. So complicated!

Do any of you have recommendations of types of helpful modalities? And leads would be appreciated.

Thank you so much for the welcomes and validation. I sense that I am surrounded by some very wise and caring individuals. Using your own pain as a means of supporting others is heroic.

In a world that is feeling extremely unsafe right now, its nice to know that this place exists.

Im a bit worried about myself right now. Im vacillating between numb and dissociated, and internally jittery and anxious.  I sense a crisis moment coming on and its scary. I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and she insists that I add to my medication. Problem is that its one thats very addictive, and makes me even more drowsy and foggy brained. I have to work and function in the real world though, so Im not taking it.

I feel like there are two 'me'; the efficient, functioning and successful person that the world sees, and the scared, lonely and drowning my inside.
Does anyone else here ever feel like stress is literally killing them?

I guess Im still in denial, but feeling a drop better as I hear that others here can relate. Thank you for the links, they really are helpful.

Im working hard to stay in my head space at present, especially as my BPD dad is being really loving and nice to me recently. I need to remember that it can switch on a dime...

I read what others have written on this forum, and Ive read a number of books plus speak to a therapist. I come away feeling like Im exaggerating everything. Compared to real issues, mine are very minor, and "mountains out of molehills".
Yet I relate to almost all of the symptoms that are used to described CPTSD.

Has anyone else gone through this?

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I wrote a full reply, but somehow it got erased as I tried to send it:(

In a nutshell: my mother is narcissistic, father BPD. My husband of 35 years has Asperger. Some of my children also have ASD, while 2 are probably BPD. None have been diagnosed, and would never agree anyway. My husbands favorite reaction is silent treatment which used to last anywhere from days, to months at a time. Now, its basically full time, with occasional technical sentences here and there. There is probably more buried within myself, but I havent figured out any positive reason to dig up skeletons.

I still have trouble considering my childhood as complex or difficult, and havent figured out my role in this complicated marriage.  I used to consider myself as someone who focuses on the positive in life. My therapist and friends tell me Im just in denial.

Its all so confusing.

So, Im sitting here, looking at the blank screen and finally  trying to focus for long enough to actually write something. Not that I know what to say.

Im a wife, mother and grandmother, in my 50s. I started therapy about 3 years ago and am told that I have CPTSD from past, and ongoing traumas. I go in and out of denying it. I have numerous physical ailments, like Fibromyalgia, severe insomnia etc etc. My support 'team' consists of a good doctor, a close friend who lives overseas, and a therapist.

Not sure what else to write, other than that I am presently feeling very alone and sad, and lacking direction for how to move forward.