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Thank you, Saylor. That is true.

I guess I am beating up on myself because he did this when we were previously involved so I feel like I should have seen it coming. He has since apologised for his previous behaviour, and like I say, we became friends, so I just thought it would be different this time.

Sometimes my desperate need for affection gets me into trouble, and it is hard to feel okay about that

Hi all,

There is a guy in my life who I briefly dated three years ago, then became friends with. Recently we got involved again. I spent loads of time with him last weekend and he spent the night... he is now acting all distant and not texting or calling me. It is quite a contrast because beforehand he was paying me loads of attention. I feel dismayed and also ashamed.

I don't know if he just used me for sex, or if there is more to it than that. Tbf he recently broke up with someone he was with for 2 years, so maybe he is confused. But i feel kinda betrayed. As he was my friend, I thought I could trust him.

I am feeling really lonely in lockdown, and now I feel cast aside. Maybe I could talk to him about it, but right now my instinct is to give him some space and also try to look after myself. I think I need to get into a better space mentally before taking to him.

It just touches on my abandonment wound- ouch.

Thanks very much for your replies, guys. I think I was a bit triggered after my session to be honest. I was able to talk it through with my therapist the next time I saw her.

I really liked the way a few of you said that we need to be healthily interdependent with others. It is also true that our therapists need to model compassion for us. And also just that it is all really tough and overwhelming at times.

Thank you for the support xx

My therapist thinks I have trouble being kind to myself and that I need to learn how to do that.  She seems to think that my trauma related neediness scares other people off and that I have to meet my own emotional needs. I find myself feeling really angry and tearful after our session. I feel it is a bit like victim blaming to point this out. How the * am I supposed to meet my own emotional needs when everyone else seems to find them too much? It feels like an impossible task, and that I am being set up to fail. I feel she is being smugly telling me what is wrong with me without providing any clear road map to recovery.

Yeah my therapist says I am structurally dissociated. My job now is to help the different parts of me to get to know each other. We are doing Internal Family Systems therapy to help with that

Humour can be a defence, a pretty common one at that. I wouldn't beat yourself up for this as the humour has probably really helped you cope. Something to work on perhaps, but I would hold that lightly.

I also laugh off my trauma. I'm British so in part I think it is cultural

It also isn't a very genuine way of relating as you deny your own needs and feelings. You often end up feeling resentful as those you "help" take you for granted. You end up exhausted and ill. You also end up being a magnet for users and abusers.

It is better than other responses to trauma, like turning into a narcissist. Not least because there is more scope for recovery. As a codependent, the challenge is to learn to love and care for yourself as you do for others.

I recommend the book "codependent no more" which explains more about it

I sometimes imagine I am being interviewed on TV about a topic I care about. Or that I have been asked to give a talk about my career.

In the fantasy, everyone finds what I have to say either interesting or provocative. Ie.they have a reaction to it. Whereas as a kid, I was ignored and neglected. I think it is a coping mechanism.

The funny thing is that I have been interviewed various times as part of my professional life and it felt totally different in real life, much more of a two way conversation, rather than me being admired.

I also haven't mentioned these little fantasies to anyone 

Yeah, I find all the lockdown measures triggering as they remind me of being controlled and neglected by my narc mum. I get why they are broadly necessary but it is triggering

I don't generally experience the morning anxiety you describe, but it takes me ages to get ready in the morning. About 2 hours. Has done my whole life. I just have to go very slowly and ease my self into the day. I have a sense it is because of reverting to a more child like/emotional state in my sleep, and then struggling to get my executive functioning back online. Interesting to think this may be related to CPTSD

Personally I have a really strong outer critic (that I just hear internally in my head, I don't tend to actually verbally criticise others). It kicks off when I feel at all ashamed or criticised. On the other hand, it is really hard for me to hear my inner critic. I think what happens is that something triggers my inner critic, which brings up shame. That is too painful to stay with, so, bam, the outer critic forcefully takes over. I have a sense I need to get to know the inner critic better, so that I can break the whole chain of reactivity...

Thanks so much, guys

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am feeling quite a bit better now. I think i went into a big flashback after the lockdown announcement, but am actually OK now I am over the shock. We are still allowed out for exercise once a day, and it is still possible to meet a friend for a walk, so that has been a big help. We also had some very sunny days, which boosted everyone 's spirits.

I think I need to be careful whilst feeling isolated to seek support, but still have strong boundaries around unhelpful contact with narcisstic family members, or from friends /acquaintances who are scare - mongering.

I like the idea of doing something creative. I will think about that. Thanks everyone.

Hi,

I live in the UK and we are currently in a covid 19 lockdown. I cannot begin to describe how triggering this is for my CPTSD. We are being told to stay home and avoid socialising. I live alone. This is sheer torture for my abandoned inner child. It seems like it will be going on for months which is bringing up feelings of interminable dread. I have a great therapist and good friends who I have been video calling, but it is not the same as meeting in person. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. I guess many people will be experiencing the same thing.

Hi,

I am having fertility treatment now. My third egg freezing cycle. Today I am tearful and feeling really sad about my breakup from my narc ex a year ago. He discarded me in a really brutal way and it brought up a lot of unresolved grief from childhood emotional neglect amongst other things.

I decided to freeze my eggs after that as I am 38 and didn't want to lose my chance to have a child.

I was expecting to feel hormonal /tearful at this stage in the process as I did during my two previous cycles. So I have managed to maintain some perspective and not completely get lost in the flashback feelings. Went to yoga earlier, then had my lunch outside in my garden, and that helped.

Still sucks though. Nothing much to say really, just wanted to put it out there.

Two more weeks till I am done with this cycle...