Newly diagnosed with C-PTSD after having gone through therapy and diagnoses that never really seemed to totally fit: general anxiety disorder, severe ADD, BPD, depression, etc.etc.etc. Have seen several therapists since 2012, but current one is the first to connect the dots to settle on this new diagnosis - and I have to admit, I'm a little scared.
Briefly me: I've always had what I thought was a horrible memory - no real childhood memories, just a few flashbacks that I feel are talked about experiences and not those that are my own; have battled severe anxiety and mood swings that made me feel almost sincerely crazy at times, since I was in high school (I think), but definitely since my 20's; dove head first in to therapy when my son died in 2012; and to make a long story shorter, I discovered that my problems were far deeper than just dealing with his loss. Now with the few memories I do have, I can say I have a history of extensive emotional and physical abuse from family and was also bullied mercilessly through most of my school years K-12, domestic sexual and emotional abuse from a previous long-term relationship... and essentially I thought that all of this stuff was my fault and I felt that it was only going to continue, although I'm in a much more stable marriage (for almost 7 years, 8 years together) which is pretty miraculous considering the roller coaster of emotional challenges I find myself in.
Right now I'm coping with the feeling that I'm either making this stuff up, like the memories that are coming back from maybe a "breakdown in my compartmentalizing skills" are not mine at all - and the fear of others not believing me because I've never told them these things before. To make matters worse, I find myself lying sometimes... or far too often... about things so that I can feel "normal" as if I have these cherished memories of growing up and becoming a mother and my whole life before 30 years old. So I am afraid that the memories coming back are just that - lies.
Anyways, a rambling of an introduction. I hope to start to understand this more and not feel so much like I have been living a big fat lie for over 36 years (how the * did I shove all of this stuff, these memories I can't find, somewhere for all of this time and just think I was overly emotional?) and like I do not even know who I am, or that I have these multiple personalities: one at work, one in parenting, one being a wife, and then shut down (I'm worthless and everything is piling on top of me) mode, etc. I'm hurt, scared, and feeling so very broken...
Briefly me: I've always had what I thought was a horrible memory - no real childhood memories, just a few flashbacks that I feel are talked about experiences and not those that are my own; have battled severe anxiety and mood swings that made me feel almost sincerely crazy at times, since I was in high school (I think), but definitely since my 20's; dove head first in to therapy when my son died in 2012; and to make a long story shorter, I discovered that my problems were far deeper than just dealing with his loss. Now with the few memories I do have, I can say I have a history of extensive emotional and physical abuse from family and was also bullied mercilessly through most of my school years K-12, domestic sexual and emotional abuse from a previous long-term relationship... and essentially I thought that all of this stuff was my fault and I felt that it was only going to continue, although I'm in a much more stable marriage (for almost 7 years, 8 years together) which is pretty miraculous considering the roller coaster of emotional challenges I find myself in.
Right now I'm coping with the feeling that I'm either making this stuff up, like the memories that are coming back from maybe a "breakdown in my compartmentalizing skills" are not mine at all - and the fear of others not believing me because I've never told them these things before. To make matters worse, I find myself lying sometimes... or far too often... about things so that I can feel "normal" as if I have these cherished memories of growing up and becoming a mother and my whole life before 30 years old. So I am afraid that the memories coming back are just that - lies.
Anyways, a rambling of an introduction. I hope to start to understand this more and not feel so much like I have been living a big fat lie for over 36 years (how the * did I shove all of this stuff, these memories I can't find, somewhere for all of this time and just think I was overly emotional?) and like I do not even know who I am, or that I have these multiple personalities: one at work, one in parenting, one being a wife, and then shut down (I'm worthless and everything is piling on top of me) mode, etc. I'm hurt, scared, and feeling so very broken...