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A good suggestion, tired, to try for those baby steps. But I feel like baby steps are not enough - to some degree because I have really high self standards, sure. But also because things need to get done. I'm in school now and don't feel like I've got the option to just take a step back. I've got to do my laundry and pay the bills. I've got a responsibility to my employers and colleagues.

I recognize this isn't the best lifestyle for me, especially in this state of mind. But I don't see any way I can change it right now. And, ironically, once I get going I am glad to have things to do - they keep me busy in a good way. But getting started is always such a struggle, it's driving me mad.

I don't quite understand what's going on with me or what to do about it. I just feel so confused and worn down by this internal battle always going on.

I hate it.

I don't care about anything. I don't want to do anything. I've got no motivation, no goals. I have things to do but just think about them without actually doing anything. I just feel overwhelmed - but it doesn't lead to action. I watch TV or sleep to run away. I can't stand the quiet.

And I'm not sure where you draw the line between what you can say is the result of something outside your control and what is your responsibility. The fact remains that I am responsible for things that aren't getting done, and rather than doing them I just stay in bed. Time doesn't stop for me, noone else can live my life, I can't expect things to magically change without my effort.

And yet I continue to sit here and do nothing...

[6] I'm supposed to be doing work...but I can't seem to get started. I spent the whole afternoon procrastinating. It is odd, I know that it's a big project I'm working but that if I just keep at it I will finish. I have no doubts in my abilities. And I even know that once I get started I'm likely to even enjoy the process, at least a little bit. Yet, I can't seem to get started. It's like everything in me is screaming NO - all this aversion in response to one little project. There's not much I'd prefer to do instead, really, except lie in bed and watch TV. That's all I ever want to do. I really hate it. I feel like I am losing my life just always fighting the desire to do nothing. How do you accept something like that? I don't want my life to be a series of days where I am lying in bed watching TV or fighting myself, wishing I was in bed watching TV. But, apparently, that's sort of what it's become; it's not like I have the desire to do much else. Is it still considered self-hatred if you're hating the products of your body/mind system (i.e., a lack of motivation for anything)?

I guess this may just be some more signs of depression. I hate depression.

Or, maybe it's not necessarily depression. Maybe I just set my standards so high that when I find I am like the rest of the humans around me and just don't want to write a 10 page paper that I am appalled at my lack of perfection. How dare I be unmotivated? Maybe I can't deal with the simple truth that I am not intrinsically driven to change the world, though I may wish to be. Gah, here I go again with the incessant self-analyzing.

I think I'm hooked on my TV, though. Someone posted recently about an inner fantasy life. It's had me thinking. I still remember growing up going through stories in my head. I made up characters in my mind, put myself into a made up world. I still remember some of the scenarios I went through over and over. I still remember some of the characters. Every once and a while, when I can't sleep, I even venture back to them in my mind, like running my fingers over a childhood security blanket for comfort.

I don't really entertain these stories in my head anymore, though. My T once tried to chat about them, use them to understand what was going on in my mind as a youth. The conversation didn't get too far, though. But, this was back when I didn't do much talking in therapy. If I think about the story lines, though, I can seem some symbols of my young life.

Regardless, after thinking about these things a bit more I realized they faded as I grew up, moved into my own room in my parents' house and, more importantly, got my own TV. I realized that this habit of mine may not have gone away, not really. Just, rather than concocting my own stories, I relied on TV shows to keep me entertained and distracted.

In my fantasy life I had the same type of main character - broken by life, something of an outcast, separate, yet heroic somehow (usually by way of intelligence). Now, the TV shows I am most drawn to, I realize, are led by the same kind of protagonist. Hidden pain. Damaged. Different. But also magnetic. Subtly larger than life. Smart. It's the same type of people I imagined, the same dynamics.

I think it would be good for me to step away. I've tried before. I feel like people who I've talked to about it don't get it, what my problem is with my own TV habit. Maybe they're right - maybe it's just more harsh judgments of myself and the fact that I, too, have times where I am just looking to be lazy. But I get the feeling that there's more to it. There's a numbing quality to watching TV. I wonder if it's keeping me from myself, for better or worse.

It's hard, though, the notion of giving it up. It brings me back to the same old paradox I've been trying to make sense of for a few years now. I keep worrying that I'm turning into a robot - I feel like I don't feel anything. I don't care about anything or anyone. That I'm just sort of empty and numb. But then I feel anything and I just want it to go away; I want to go back to hiding away under the covers. I don't think it's healthy for me to keep numbing myself out, but I don't know if I have the...whatever it is you need...to learn how to face myself and deal with my emotions.

I have less of a mental fantasy world than I did when I was younger but I think, as a kid, I had more of an inner life than others around me. This lasted for a while, too - into my teens. I had these story lines I would play out in my mind over and over again. They were always similar but I'd run through them each time in slightly different ways. It was like a cross between watching reruns of my favorite show and rereading the same choose-your-own-ending novel. I still remember the basic premises and sometimes, when I can't sleep, rehash just one in particular in my mind.

For me, I think these were used as a way of comforting myself, keeping my mind busy, entertained. Now that I think about it I think they receded as I got my own room and could use the TV as a pseudo-social comfort instead. They weren't exactly pleasant, but I don't know if I'd say they were filled with trauma. But I think, in a way, the story lines were an attempt to work out issues or dynamics I was dealing with. Maybe that's what's going on for you, Phoenix? Maybe it's just another way for your mind to try and work something out, make sense of something, or try and solve a problem.

There are many things I enjoy but are either inconsistent or wrapped up in a frustrating sense of longing and unobtainableness...all except one:

I absolutely love to drive in my car, blast the music, and sing. I love music and driving both on their own but there is something about them together that permits a sense of freedom I've never found elsewhere. In the summer with the windows down or the winter with the heat blasting, on the highway or on residential back roads, punk rock or indie folk, daytime or 2 am, good mood or bad.... It is the one thing I always love to do. 

[5] So, I think I realized something with this medication dilemma of mine. I think it one was one of those moments of progress, subtle though it may be. I think the biggest barrier to accepting the idea of medication was that I'd be giving up on some kind of dream, fantasy - one that I really didn't want to give up. Initially, after realizing this, I was still against the idea of meds. But as time moved forward I started to think less about what I'd be giving up and more about what I might be gaining. Normalcy. Was it really worth all the chaos, this fantasy of mine?

I think this realization changed things a bit for me. I am not on meds still but am more open to the possibility. What's more, I feel like I'm not so inclined to tighten around emotions. It's like there's a bit more space there. I wonder if, before, I would clamp down onto every emotional experience wondering if this would or could be the thing that is enough to warrant someone else's care and attention. Now... I don't know... it's more like it is what it is. I wouldn't say I no longer have that fantasy. But I guess maybe I've realized it's not worth me causing more harm to myself for.

I'm not sure this makes any sense. It's hard to describe. And I'm still kind of waiting to see if this realization, too, recedes as others have. But for now I do feel like things are a bit different somehow. Which is not to say I've been spending the last few weeks in impenetrable calm and contentment... not at all. But I do think maybe I've moved forward a bit, even if only an inch.

Good as this progress may be, moving forward also means move on towards facing the next challenge. With my head pulled out of the clouds a bit I can get back to the real work of facing my issues in the "real" world. For me, that means dating. To be completely honest, it scares me to death. It's funny, sometimes I can hold onto a more objective perspective and it makes no sense. What am I afraid of, really? To be with someone, hang out, talk, a kiss, holding hands... What is really so threatening about these things? Even if things go terribly wrong - humiliation, heartbreak, embarrassment. Of course, these don't sound pleasant. But, I feel like I deal with unpleasant emotions every other day. Maybe I'm being naïve but I'm not sure it could get much worse than I've already dealt with. If anything, it may be easier, because rather than the vague despair or hopped up, free-floating agitation, these things will be tied to something. For once I might be able to know why I am feeling terribly.

But this doesn't seem to matter that much. It's like I am always fighting myself - seeing these things objectively, feeling like I shouldn't be afraid, then feeling them subjectively and wanting to do nothing but run away and hide. It's overwhelming, the fear. The desire to give up. The aversion to doing any of it. It takes so much energy to try and I often feel like I may run out of energy entirely.

I try and remind myself of the progress I've already made. I used to not talk to anyone, really. I would be so anxious to do anything where people were around. Even walking around the grocery store, shopping, caused me a mild sense of panic. That's not me anymore. I still have my social hang-ups but I've come so far from that person. I think about how I worked on getting to where I am, forcing myself to engage in social events. I hated it. So, in a way, I know that even though this seems impossible now, one day this whole romance thing might not be so difficult. Yet, it still seems impossible. And scary.

I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other. That's what I've done before. Just keep trying (or trying to try), just keep showing up whenever I can. Oh man, though, it's hard. And the hardest part may be that I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for. I've never been close with people. And I only get moments when I feel like I am reminded that I do care, that I do want to be close to people. But most of the time I feel empty. So, it's just me, pushing toward something that I've been told will be good, striving for an idea I'm not sure I have any faith in. I want to believe in relationships, in people, in my own ability to feel connection and comfort with another human being - I'd love to believe that. And I am trying to believe it. But, I am just not sure I do.

I've always loved writing. I have used it as a means of coping for may years. But sometimes....sometimes the words just don't cut it. Sometimes to type up "I'm scared" on a message board doesn't even begin to cover it....

Hey arpy1. I don't mind your two pennies. I'm truly at a loss for what to do, all suggestions are welcome.

i wonder if it might help to try to look at meds as a tool, a weapon in your arsenal of coping strategies, not as some kind of value judgment or measure of your worth or strength.

It's funny, with all the stigma out there I can understand why people might hesitate to take meds, but I've never really worried about that. I'm not inclined to share with the world what drugs I'm on, but I don't necessarily feel ashamed about it either.

My concern seems to be some vague notion of what it is to be "better". I feel like I'll never be better if I'm on them. It's like I'll slap a big bandaid with a smiley face over everything and it'll look good but all my wounds will still be festering underneath. I don't want to do that.

I suspect it has a good deal to do with how I handled growing up. I was the good kid. Everything was, and often still is, "fine". I feel like it's my responsibility to not be bothered by anyone or anything. Meds, it seems to me, will just feed into this. I've yet to feel my time when things are not okay and someone else accepts that. And I remain unwilling to give up the possibility of that. How will I ever do that when I'm medicated, if I am fine all the time by way of drugs? (Then I find myself coming back to the same question - so what if I am fine all the time? Is it with it to continue feeling terrible just to fulfill some fantasy?)

but there's a kind of relief when i accept that i am the only person who can do this for me, becos i find my strength in that somehow.  i will do it becos i must do it, or stay the way i am for more painful decades. and becos i must do it, i can.

I feel like I understand what you mean here but if I'm to be truly honest I rarely feel this way. I'd prefer to feel this way, but, ashamed as I may be to admit it, I typically just feel beat down by my challenges and alone in a way that is threatening rather than empowering. This is when I really start to wonder if drugs may be the best option for me right now...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the support. I really do appreciate it.

[4] This feels like less of a recovery journal entry and more of a relapse (?) post. Today my T suggested that I go back on meds. I really really really rarely show emotions in front of others, but that got me upset. I don't want to go back on meds. But I know she might be right.

It got me thinking about why I am so averse to the notion of meds. I prefer not to take anything if I can avoid it, even benign thinking like Advil or vitamins. And it's a hassle to return to all the extra errands - finding a doctor, getting the prescription, paying for it, remembering to take them each day, etc. Then there's the potential for side effects...

But I don't think that's what immediately bothers me when I think about the prospect of returning to meds. Rather, I feel like I am losing something. I'm not sure what but I know I don't like it. Losing the battle. Losing a piece of myself. Losing the fantasy of how I thought this could all turn out. Though I've tried to tackle it I don't think I've completely given up on a savior-fantasy kind of scenario; I think that's still worming around in the back of my mind. And to give up on that...? 

But then I think about how much time I am stuck in states of emotional strain and I wonder - is the prospect of fulfilling such a fantasy (if it is even possible) worth all this?

I honestly don't know. If anything, my rational mind says no and the rest of me is screaming that it is, that I can't just let go.

I have no idea how to make this decision.

Should we keep a bad habit or two as a crutch and just pick benign things that aren't as bad as drugs and alcohol. Or should we aim high and beat this and choose to stay present as much as possible.

I think that's a really good question, tired. I was thinking more about cutting out TV and wondering if it's really realistic and/or helpful for me to just give it all up. If the quote Dutch Uncle brought up is true we will always have vices... so maybe some television isn't so bad.

I wonder if there's a middle road I'm not thinking about. Cut back on our vices for the sake of growth but don't cut them out entirely. Basically, moderation. I am terrible with this, though. It's almost easier for me to just go without entirely.

[3; disclaimer: quite cranky today it seems - please excuse the swearing and self-hating rants] It seems there is a pattern of me not understanding what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if this is a product of me not recognizing what I am feeling or habitually disregarding what it is I am feeling - always leaving me searching for something else. Either way, I frequently have a feeling of being confused, out of touch. It's like I get these hints that something is off but I don't know what. It happens a lot. It's aggravating.

I remember for a while I had liked severe depressive episodes because it cut through this confusion a bit. At the depths of depression it is very clear how I am feeling. I don't mean to suggest this allowed me to enjoy the depression - it was miserable. But there was also a quality to it that was appealing.

Today I am back to that feeling of something being not quite right, but I couldn't say what. It's foggy in my mind, in my body. In the most general, vague way possible - I just feel crappy. I slept late into the day. When I finally got myself to wake up I didn't get out of bed for a while. I felt off, slightly afraid, that weird disconnect between me and the world around me. Anxiety, this hum of tension.

I have work that needs to get done. Today was going to be the day to do it. I didn't, though. I thought about it a lot, I keep thinking about it; but I just feel stuck in place. Finally I got up to shower somewhere around mid-afternoon. Gosh, it makes me feel like such a bum to say that. What the * is wrong with me?

It's like this stupid * carousel, back and forth around the same things. Sometimes it turns slowly, sometimes so quick it makes my head spin. But, whatever the speed, it just returns over and over and over again to the same old * and I feel like I still don't know what I am doing though I know I've been in this place so many times before. I feel weirdly mad, like I just want to break something.

I had the house to myself for a while which was nice. I feel like I can spin out a little and not worry about someone popping in my room. But they came back. And now I hear people moving about below and I'm constantly monitoring for the sound of footsteps up the stairs. I want them just to leave. Or, I want to leave the house, to get away, but I can't because they're all down there. And I don't want to play the part of the calm, sane person right now.

I logged onto this crisis chat website earlier today. I've been on it a few times in the past. I find it helpful sometimes, especially when I feel like something is going on that I can't quite figure out. It's like it breaks up the fog a bit for me. So I went on. And I had to wait to connect with someone else in a chat. So I waited. Then I waited some more. And it shows you what "position in line" you've got. So I would start to think about just leaving the site, because it was taking forever. But then my position would move up so I'd decide to wait a bit more. And now it's been something like two (or more) hours and I'm still waiting. And I feel like such a * idiot. Because here I am, like a chump, sitting and waiting for someone to talk to me through the internet because I can't seem to talk to anyone in my "real" life. And it's been forever and I should give up on it already but I am just that desperate. So desperate that I am going to keep sitting here like a * dipshit. Just waiting. And what am I going to do when they finally come online - yell at them? Yell at the kind volunteers at the crisis chat for making me wait? No. Of course not. But I feel so dumb and I feel so angry at myself. But if I just act pleasant it will be a total waste of time. I feel like I should just go. But I can't. I've invested too much time and I've been waiting on this thing all day to try and feel a little bit better. But it's not working out and the people downstairs are there and I have to go do work and I just want to go sequester myself in the corner of my closet and sleep until everything has gone away.

I just want to * cry. But I can't...because I hear them all down there. It's not safe. I just wish they'd go away.

I no longer have cable which I am happy about. But I do have a computer and access to a Netflix account. Many times I've gone on breaks from watching any television shows - it does me some good, I think, but I find it incredibly challenging. It's the quiet. I feel like I can fool myself into thinking I am not alone when the TV is going. But the second it cuts out and I'm back to that quiet - I don't like that. 

I don't think, inherently, TV is a bad thing. I just don't like how much I watch it and the reasons I watch it. I think nearly anything can become a bit unhealthy if it's consistently used to escape facing oneself. I think that's what I do.

Plus, I don't want to spend my life numbed out in front of the TV. I want more than hours in my little TV coma on the couch. I find it very challenging, though. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want from my life, and anything that can keep me from feeling anxiety is so appealing. So, when I do step away I just feel an unnerving dis-ease and loss for what else to do.

That said, I think it's time for me to step away from the media once more. Maybe this time for good...?

I guess I have been fortunate in that I've never been entirely hooked by the effects of drugs/alcohol. Though I've had my moments with these, they've never stuck as a go-to means of coping. But I am definitely not without my vices.

Honestly, I think one of my biggest means of escaping the world and disconnecting from myself is to watch a lot of TV. I like that it distracts me. I like that it makes a quiet room/apartment not so quiet. I like that it provides me with pseudo-social comfort. But I have caught myself in the reflection of the screen once or twice before and I can really look like I'm in some semi-conscious, drug-induced state. I don't think it's healthy for me but it's so hard to give up.

I also know I'm ashamed of it. I remember, as a teenager, my step father coming to my room telling me (with a tone of judgment) that I should be outside instead of inside watching TV. Of course, no one could see that my watching TV for hours on end in my room was a sign of increasing depression. But, because of this, it's hard to know just how much of my opinion about TV being unhealthy is warranted, and how much is just a product of me being ashamed that I can get lazy at all.

Anyone else rely on TV as a means of numbing out?

i just can't decide if i am numbing myself out or if it's just my brain saying 'enough is enough' and switching me off for a while.  i'm pretty sure i didn't deliberately choose to switch off, it just happened. to be honest, i just want to go to sleep or sit in a chair and go blank, but i can't allow myself. 

I'm not sure there's a clear-cut difference between you numbing and your brain saying "enough is enough." It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, maybe it's time for some needed rest. Numbing might be the best way your system can achieve that.

I've been through this back and forth process too. I get periods where I feel overwhelmed with fear, sadness, anxiety followed by strange periods where I feel disconnected from everything.

I also struggle with figuring out the best way to respond to these states. Do I push myself back toward my pain? Do I "let" myself get numb? In my opinion, though, it rarely works to fight against what is really already happening.

I think it might be helpful to just listen to whatever is going on for you. I wouldn't advocate for taking on destructive behaviors to achieve a numbed state but if that's just happening then that's probably exactly what needs to happen. Acceptance of and self compassion with the disconnection can be just as valuable as acceptance/compassion with any other challenging emotion.

I'm no expert, of course, but this seems to be the best approach I've found thus far (though I still need plenty of practice, etc. myself). Regardless, I hope you find your way through soon enough.

i get so fed up with the one step forward two steps back (no, i mean the other way round...or was that a  freudian slip??)

...I try and believe it's more like 1 step forward, 2/3rds of a step back but it often feels more like one step forward two steps back. I am continuously surprised when I find I've fallen backwards again after thinking I was finally done with all my problems. And I'm more surprised that I keep getting surprised because this happens all the time. The mind is a strange creature.

And it just occurred to me...where are these steps leading to exactly? Where is it we think we are getting to? With the idea of acceptance, in my opinion, is the understanding that this, right here, right now, is the only destination.

It's no easy feat, though, when things feel terrible and you had plans for the day and you just want all the dishes to be clean. Who would choose this as the destination? I'm sorry to hear it's been one of those days for you. I always liked the word gentleness - be gentle with yourself today if you can. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks arpy1, your kindness made my morning.

It took a while but I eventually came around to what you suggested - being with things as they are. I very much believe in this way of responding to life. And yet, I often feel like I forget. I forget all the time. I get lost in trying to make things stop or make myself feel different, I get swept away in the belief that I can't feel as I feel, or I vaguely recall the importance of acceptance but get fooled into thinking something like,"well sure, that's true for other situations, but not now, not this." At other times I think I "forget" because I am just unwilling to sit with it. It's not easy. I usually remember eventually, though, which is a sign of progress for me I think. So, I'll just have to keep practicing...