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Hey AA,

I can imagine how dysregulating a visit from FOO can be. I'm glad you're taking steps to be gentle with yourself as you process what happened. That sounds like a very apt metaphor.

Sending you support,
dolly

I'm glad you found it helpful Chart. IMO sometimes the "experience" of cptsd (the body anxiety etc) can be linked to other things in the body that affect the nervous system. So, for me, the feelings are not always trauma, or if I could solve the trauma, it would take these things away, but a mix of body and mind. So, making hormonal adjustments (or addressing inflammation) can also produce a positive effect on my mood. I also think addressing these things has maybe put me in a place where the trauma is easier to approach and deal with (ie because I don't have constant anxiety and therefore think the bad things are going to happen again, or am in the same feeling place as when I initially felt that anxiety when "the bad things happened/I was helpless etc")

Because of my exposure to mold, my hormones have been messed up I think, along with chronic stress as child, but also inflammation and stress in the body from other factors like viruses and genetics. Anyways, I like the pregnenolone. It leaves me feeling relaxed after I put it on, so let's see what it does.

Interestingly, hormones also operate on a circadian rhythm and are active etc at different times in the day, and can affect sleep/wake cycles among other things.

Here's another one:
The novel rapid-acting neurosteroid-based antidepressant generation
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2451965022000254

Connection betweeen neuroinflammation and depression:
"Clinical and preclinical evidence clearly indicates a link between neuroinflammation and depression [81,10]. Many studies revealed elevated inflammatory markers in depression and even higher levels in women with postpartum depression, which might contribute to symptoms severity [10,82,83]. Allopregnanolone has a protective role by ameliorating the disrupted GABAergic inhibition, modulating CRF signaling, and preventing pro-inflammatory toll-like receptor (TLR) signaling in the innate immune system and brain [10,13,14]. Moreover, when pregnenolone and progesterone levels (allopregnanolone precursors) are elevated in the brain, this resulted in the inhibition of neuroinflammatory signaling mediated by TLR"

"Alterations in the HPA axis responses and a low level of allopregnanolone have been demonstrated in PTSD and patients with depression who are also characterized by elevated neuroinflammation [84]. These are also possible mechanisms involved in the neurobiology of depression, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Even if the mechanism underlying the antidepressant effects of allopregnanolone by improving neuroinflammation is not fully clarified, there is a strong association between normalizing allopregnanolone biosynthesis and the HPA axis and GABAergic dysfunction in the treatment of postpartum depression and other mood disorders [9]."

Hi Hope,

I hope your break goes well for you.

  dolly

Came across someone mentioning pregnenalone helping to treat depression. Did a quick search, and lo and behold, it's actually being tested, or found to be helpful in those suffering from PTSD.

I'm wondering if anyone has tried it? My understanding is that it can sort of go either way and the downside being that your body may convert it to cortisol (and not inhibit cortisol production), causing more anxiety. Messing with hormones can be tricky, but maybe also perhaps helpful.

Lot of info from google, but here's a jumping off point:

The role of neurosteroids in post-traumatic stress disorder and alcohol use disorder: A review of 10 years of clinical literature and treatment implications
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0091302223000675

edit: I have a bottle of pregnenalone cream that I bought years ago when I was "experimenting" with health issues and never tried it. I've tried it the past three days and after application there's a sense of calm relief. I don't know how long it lasts (as I put it on before bed), but there was something tangible there.

Hi SO,

Good to hear that things are better. Sending you support 

dolly

I'm not sure as I believe I've had them in all my EMDR sessions. I don't think it's necessarily an aptitude for it, but perhaps a result of just having to suppress everything growing up (all emotions, thoughts reactions etc that could and often were met with some kind of punishment). So, while I feel like I am functioning "normally" at a cognitive level, processing things "intellectually," my body is reminding me that there are very different memories stored. Perhaps this is because it was just too terrifying to address them cognitively at the time, and/or I didn't have the cognitive ability as an infant to do that. Perhaps your body/you feel that you are not in a safe place to feel/release whatever is coming up and has gone into a form of dissociation.

My understanding of EMDR is that it kind of does a, "look over there!" distraction exercise while the targeted emotions come up. So, it engages parts of the brain that can focus on sensation (?) and something it can "do" while these memories come up, which I think is what you're saying too. So, my mind is no longer focused on suppressing the sensations to function cognitively.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I would be interested to hear about how energy and the skepticism around that is impacted by your trauma if you want to talk about it. For me, I would say that I was a lot more skeptical in the past. As I started doing the work, I have come to acknowledge that certain things are "true" for me. In the past, I felt I would have had to "run things by" someone else to get an understanding of my own reality, and this is exactly what I had to do growing up in a narcissistic household. My reality/me was never acknowledged. That's also not to say that I'm going to believe in things just "because," but have to believe the "evidence" even if it doesn't make "sense." And a lot of the times, I don't understand it, but it's almost like the "evidence" is so strong that I can't not believe it. So, have found other sources that deal with these things. This started with me trying IFS and experiencing things I couldn't understand at first, but were in fact very "real." I would recommend it if you haven't tried it, but also perhaps to read up on grounding and Self as well as it's imperative for dissociation.

For me, I think when you're dealing with preverbal trauma, there is a lot of big "fears" out there, and perhaps those are exacerbated when one becomes disembodied, which may have happened as an infant allowing one to access "esoteric" spaces (going from Healing Developmental Trauma here). Maybe this is mimicked in PSIP and psychedelic therapy. For me, the below is really interesting though it's sometimes difficult for my preverbal self to grasp what the concepts are. I find it similar how he speaks of "the great mother" and then there is I who come from a long line of "mothering" and identity (NPD) issues. Anyways, you might find it interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs&list=PLaSy-g6A5sG3Jvh8Ru5k--D_0VUlZPpEw&index=18

I hope you are finding a safe landing   

Hey SO,

It's great to hear that you're feeling better after the dissociative episode 

I have no problem talking about the movements. It's actually something that would happen quite a bit during EMDR as well.  I guess I see it as just a release though there have been times when "sensations" have come up as well. For example, when I was listening to a second chakra frequency, the idea of money and the relationship to money in my family showed up. I feel like I saw the history, the living through the Second World War etc and how difficult it must have been, but these ideas just sort of "floated" up.

Poss TW-

I had some quite extreme movements with this as well where my arms went up to the side of my head and it felt like I was being pinned down, or is the position you would be in if you were pinned down.

End Tw-

The second chakra is the chakra relating to money and sex. I've had others where it was like throwing myself on the bed, and my body would raise slightly, then slam down. Funnily enough, I found a video on Tibetan yogis and there is a practice where they repeatedly slam their bodies on the ground, I think to "loosen" energetically. A lot of the times though it's jus shaking in my upper body, arms, tensing in the torso. To me, the frequencies have perhaps the same effect as a Tibetan singing bowl would, and that certain frequencies attune to certain vibrations, and is maybe a way to bring "energetic stuff" into the conscious mind to process. There is an idea of the "subtle" body in Buddhism, which IMO relates to this.

That's interesting as well that "you've trained for many years to not go there" and have gone into a dissociative state after the experience. Perhaps it is a place where you need to go?

Sending you support 
dolly

SO I feel like I've this "stuck brain" that you're referring to before, and it was probably after recreational cannabis funnily enough. I see it as a new "mode"" that your brain has entered. For me, I liked it, but the "old stuff" was knocking at the door, wanting things to go back perhaps to the way they were in there (to a certain extent I think) and wanting to undo the insight. Again, it wasn't through PSIP, just recreationally. Maybe if I had the preparation of a PSIP session, that would have not been there, but to me, I think the new mode can be a good thing - it undoes the "pain identity" and allows a new one (new attachment) to be created. Did your t ever suggest Dan Brown's visualization video around attachment?

I've had involuntary movements before when I listen to Solfreggio frequencies before bed. I've tried to research why this comes up, but haven't really found anything. My woo woo explanation is that it activates your ephemeral body/energy body in a way that relates to your physical body. How what when where why I don't know, but have had some pretty intense dreams after.

Perhaps your m could shed some light on your birth for you and see if it makes any sense?

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it's so interesting to hear!

Sending you support 

This sounds very intense SO. As an outsider, it sounds like it could be some kind of birth trauma? With the hands pushing your neck, the going away and coming back. Just my two cents tho!

I hope you find your way back and I'm glad your t was there with you.

Hey Kia,

I'm sorry to read (if I read that right) that your FOO is suing you for defamation, or if this is something you fear it will come to?

Honestly, I've been there and am going through issues with FOO at the moment in regards to an unNPD family member's estate.  FOO is underhanded and of course, not doing things by the book. The law unfortunately, isn't on my side at the moment. The only thing I can do is provide evidence of what is going on. Document everything and make sure you get receipts of their behaviour. I don't know if recording phone calls are ok (?) otherwise get their behaviour in writing and do everything you can by the book, and even though it's difficult, I would take the emotional high road. It might not be fair etc, but it's also not an emotional reaction that they can use against you in future.

I've also had an issue with defamation and sexual harassment, and without evidence there's nothing you can do. That being said, they also need proof that I am trying to defame their character and not just trying to bully me into silence (which is what it turned out to be).

Apologies if this is advice. It's a really awful position to be in and I've been there a couple times.

Sending you support,
dolly

Amazing SO!

I can second bb on BPD being mistaken for CPTSD, histrionic as well. When I was first in therapy about 25 years ago, way before anyone even acknowledged CPTSD, it was labelling someone as BPD or histrionic. At least in my case.

I feel like I've struggled with what you're describing as well, and that people perhaps misread or mistrusted me because I mistrusted myself (well, because that's what I was taught to do!), and it kept a cycle perpetuating. I know it's still an issue for me and that I feel like I do things to manipulate people, or feel like when I'm open about how I'm feeling, or needing care, there's something in me that mistrusts it and likens it to manipulation. So, that's pretty difficult to form an earnest connection with someone right there, and I can understand how they might misread that. T and I are working on this, but yeah, I think I wondered for a long time if I was perhaps narcissistic too.

I hope it goes well SO    Thanks for the update. Am rooting for you.

Rainy, that sounds great. I think tracking sounds like a good way to get some distance from things that might be emotional to deal with and that can be overwhelming. 

Hi Hope,

I can imagine that knowing that person would bring up very visceral reactions in you especially if you didn't know he was like that at the time, or maybe suspected it on some level. I hope you're able to use your 2025 journal to say the things you need to too. 

Sending you support,
dolly