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Hi Bach,

It's interesting, I just listened to a Jay Reid video where he talks about leaving the "upside down world" of the scapegoated child. A lot of those times the world does feel unsafe because it was unsafe to have those feelings. It was the "normal" that you grew up with where there were very real repercussions (ie life and death for a child) if you didn't follow along. For a child to be no one to no one (to not be accepted by your parent if you didn't conform to their view of you as being the wrong/bad/etc etc one) meant that you wouldn't exist and that is an annhilation/life or death feeling. For me, I think this feeling was there since birth, or before birth, and it's so hard to seperate that out (how did my FOOs idea of the world overtake my own Self) when the only world that I have known has felt unsafe.

Sending you support 
dolly

There are certain intestinal factors that can heighten already predisposed people to inflammation such as SIBO, virsues, fungal infections (candida) etc.

What I have found going through my genetics is that I have quite a inflammatory markers for inflammation ie double IL-6 mutations etc. (I think I wrote about this elsewhere on the forum as well). I recently found a website called https://noorns.com/dna-reports/ where you can upload the raw data from a genetic test (I did 23andme) and they will output a report centered around some issue. I did the MCAS test, but there is an atopic dermatitis one as well. It's not really a black and white interpretation, but It helped confirm that histamine is an issue for me (have gone on a low histamine diet to reduce inflammation (also, lots of emotional/psychological stuff comes up around histamine), and still exploring the mast cell side. I know that when I started taking sodium cromoglicate it was like a while new side to my personality.

For me, there's also something I call "body anxiety" and anxiety that comes up around certain people/situations. Going through and managing my health has helped me differentiate between the two ie how I feel after I eat a certain food (gluten is a big trigger) is more "body anxiety" related and not because I'm in an EF per se. Though I do think because I was sick as a child there is some emotional overlap here. I've come to realize that the body/mind connection is a circle: sometimes it's our minds influencing our bodies, and sometimes it's our bodies influencing our minds (feelings etc via CNS for example).

Will have a look into Peter Bullmore's book, thanks!

Hey Erec,

I had frequent eczema as a child in addition to numerous "allergies." Interestingly, the only food related allergy I had been confirmed for at the time was chocolate. Because of recent health issues (wrote about elsewhere on the forum), I have come back to these allergies/issues. Mast cells (and mast cell activation) can be triggered by stress. Some of the symptoms that present with it frequently are skin issues (hives etc). Certain people predisposed to having inflammatory genetic markers (as well as the genetics for developing mastocitisis (sp?)) can present with this and lead to a lot of complex and varying symptoms in people. Now, when I eat something that I think might be a trigger, I will have itchy elbows etc for example (a place of eczema as a child).

dolly

Hey asdis,

I hope you're able to take that doctor at face value and what she can do for you, anc not take her lack of understanding as something to do with you. Just because she's never had to go through certain things in life doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

Sometimes too, people need space to calibrate information and it's not always necessarily a judgement. And sometimes it is, but that would be on her and not you.

Yes, I get you about making choices based on convenience. I take it as information when I get sick from that that it is in fact not all in my head, and something is happening. When I don't make those choices, I'm taking care of myself and feel better for it. I do get worried about lingering inflammation and "what have I done/have I screwed it all up" but I think that's FOO stuff to process. For me, there's also a lot of anxiety and/or depression/feeling down that comes with inflammation.

Sending you support 
dolly

There's something incredibly demoralizing about finally getting answers after 16 years only to find out that we've been right all along, that our disordered eating, our asthma, our skin problems, our inability to lose weight, our severe environmental allergies, our personality shift between 3rd and 5th grade.. could have all been avoided? Or at least, softened? Not only our FOO, but our peers, teachers, extended family, friends and their families, the rare doctor.. they were all so mean!

I read your post a while back and was too busy to comment, but wanted to come back to it and say congrats that you have found some answers and relief. It is a hard thing to deal with when people tell you that it's all in your head because it's something they themselves have never had to deal with, or understand. I guess for myself, I think I was tested at such a young age that I don't have a lot of memories of being sick, or what it was like to go through that, but I'm sure they are definitely buried in there somewhere. Though I do remember that I was sick, I guess it just felt like it was my fault. I was told/blamed that I was a "picky eater" and know that some of the things I didn't want to eat are things that I am reacting to now. I have heard that people have had good results on xolair, and I hope you're able to find some relief with that.

I had a "cheat" meal the other day probably because I was tired of the limited eating, and probably partly because I have been feeling so good that I wanted to see if these things were all in my head. The next day, I felt absolutely awful, like I was hung over all day, didn't want to move, and always seemed like I was on the edge of a headache (thanks tomatoes). It's pretty incredible that up until June, I've been eating this once a week. No wonder my body was always inflamed and unable to lose weight. Trying to explain why you're tired (because you ate a food) is also difficult I think for most people to understand, and the onus comes on me to keep everything together, which is also really difficult. These are the genetics I was born with and I have to manage them the best I can, and once I do that, it does help me start feeling better and a step away from all the what ifs and past behaviour of other people (and into the new/same old gas lighting of other doctors).

Sending you support and hope you feel better soon,
dolly

Whatever the cause of this, I really hope you feel better soon. Thanks also for mentioning it. I have certainly had occasions where I have gone to bed feeling utterly cold for no reason. Sometimes it turns into flu but quite frequently it vanishes as suddenly as it came on. I have always put that down to hormonal fluctuations, but of course my state of mind could well be driving the hormones. I'm going to start paying more attention.

NK, I'm learning that one can have "histamine dumps" at night and that histamine is a body temperature regulator. In addition to hormones, it might be beneficial to look at foods you've eaten before bed, or throughout the day and whether or not they're high in histamine. Right now, I have "tried out" decreasing my mast cell/anti-histamines to once a day, and like clockwork, I'm having itchiness/skin issues show up almost every night around 8/9pm. I'm also having it in the morning as well, which is somewhat new.

Hi Beth,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hey beauty,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Pete,

I'm sorry that your relationship ended that way. I have definitely been in that situation before, and it did bring up a lot of self blame too. It's really, really hard because on the one hand self blame is a coping mechanism that I had to learn as a child, and on the other there are things that I didn't handle "perfectly," and was a messy human. So, for me, it's hard when a therapist says don't blame yourself because I know I brought my own stuff into a relationship. On the other hand, I also took responsibility for that and was intent on working through it, which isn't always the case for the other person. At the end, it does take two to make it work.

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find what you need here.
dolly

Hi GcM,

I'm sorry to read all that you're going through and finding yourself in that situation with your partner. I hope you can find what you need here. A lot of us have grown up with NPD family members.

One thing that might be helpful if you do find yourself splitting from your partner and the concern that she will use the kids against you, or put them in the middle, is that you have the experience to draw from when it happened to you as a child, and would likely be a strong role model of "what to do" in that situation for your children. Though it may be difficult for you, and bring up all sorts of past trauma, but it is past stuff and you are not that person anymore, even if it feels like it. It sounds like you have great strength and resiliency to come out of everything and be as self aware as you are about what's going on.

Sending you support,
dolly

That's great Bach    I hope you're able to talk to, befriend, and have compassion for those parts.

I'm really happy for you that you stuck with exploring something that seemed fuzzy, or untrue. Like Blueberry said these sound like big realizations.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Dalloway,

I just wanted to send support for these profound realizations that you're having 

dolly

Hi Bach,

I just wanted to say that I don't think you should stop banging on about that incident. I think it's very hard to find those moments of validation when you experience covert NPD abuse. I had the same and went back and forth (and still do) for years with it. It completely messes with your emotions and your mind. I hope you're able to use that incident to find some space from your m for yourself, and to recognize that that's yours.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi NK,

Underneath all the questioning, it seems like you have made big steps in recognizing what is happening, congrats! 

I don't know how to define dissociation for myself, like a veil I've been living under and you don't know is there? I guess there are times when that veil pops up and I kind of go, huh, and then I it pops down again, and I truck along doing the things I need to do. It popped up this week after I recognized with t, or spoke to t about, how dealing with someone's unpredictability (who had been out drinking and then came to play severely hung over, and I felt familiar with that frame of mind that they were in), and how I had been in that position growing up. I felt tense talking about it, but the "feelings" weren't there (and here they are now as I remember what it was like to deal with m when she was in that post-party state). I just knew, or could recognize that I was uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's because t has been giving more space to my internal world and validation through NARM, but I feel/think over the last year, I have been able to give more space to recognizing those feelings as they come up. I don't have to "solve" them, and they are not a problem to go away, it's something that I am now "allowed" to have where before, I was never "allowed" that. I feel like intellectually, I had also heard and "knew" this, but something about the process has  changed. For me, perhaps it's like the Jay Reid video where he describes having to remove your awareness of yourself and put in place something else, and these veil lift moments I think are perhaps the Self coming back. Maybe ask teenage NK what she could do whatever she wanted, what would she do? Maybe this bolshy-ness is coming up because that's what you need (IMO and not in a self-destructive way)? When I feel like I'm acting with more life force, standing up to people in tennis etc, t doesn't reprimand my behaviour even though I think I'm doing something bad or wrong (because people are upset with me), but instead, I'm doing something for myself.

Sending you support 
dolly

Hi Hope,

Have just finished reading your journal and that's great you were able to stay with the part that felt fear.

I hope things went ok at your inlaws after what happened before. Did you manage to speak to her about it? Maybe the headache is a way of the body telling you something is coming up.

Sending you support