Messages

Blueberry your bravery to stand up for yourself and to leave hurtful people behind you are such a strengthening comfort.
Your words to F " I mourn you even though you're not dead"... My heart feels the fist squeezing it. But as well the resolve to save yourself for the people who are there for you.  And for you!!
This sentence struck a nerve for me. And I will have the strength to write my letter bcz of your brave example. Hope you will find peace of mind and a new family made by friends. A soft 

 Thank you for your encouragement Blueberry.
I haven't had a peek there yet...thought I wasn't ready for that. But I will definitely have a look.
Speaking towards them would be a nightmare in RL, but I can imagine that you are accurate to say that it is cathartic! 
And then some...
Grateful for your insights. 

HannahL I understand you so well.  How can we trust people and especially someone new... I found it a difficult task.  So I got myself pen friends. A safe way to learn about someone. 
Ask questions and I wanted to see a natural full disclosure on my question without having to say that.
This March we celebrate our 26 anniversary. And I have shared half my life with him. There are many good men out there. Just take care and your time. Don't give your heart easily.  And don't give up on a relationship until you really want to. Through letters I found a safe place. But I must confess that it took a year of being married before I stopped shaking when I knew that he was coming home. DH was wonderful and gave me space. Understanding. Safety. Love. But it takes time. Can I send you a careful 

Notalone, you are not alone. It is clear that all of yous     are loved and appreciated both in RL and here. Many comments done by you have been so good.  Comforting.  So also here we all appreciate you and the Littles.
A safe ? 

You are so brave. Take your time and happy to hear about your DH.

 Thank you TR and Blueberry your compassion fills my heart. I can definitely understand that sexual assault on boys by adult men carries a heavy load. My heart is devastated on their behalf. Bcz at the time we were 7,9, 11, and the "so called " b was 12. That our p were soooo busy to have a life that they were oblivious to their five children's needs. The perp found an easy target. 

And in - 89 we were in our 20's. 
But then we have the 30's, 40's and 50's and now going on 60's... I guess it's a uncomfortable thing...the truth?
I guess I am just angry bcz I never had the privilege of denial. And from my lonely standpoint it simply doesn't seem to be fair.

But I will think about what you said Blueberry.  "They are so messed up, it's incomprehensible..."
But the sweet thought of TR...no that is never going to happen. I am excluded from the family.  They are too dangerous to be around. I don't think I can survive another blow from them.

So thankful for you sharing, unfortunately, our memories. But also the way to speak out.
Where are we allowed to do that in peace? And I will recieve your 

My f had DID. It was not diagnosed.  But I am quite certain, due to several different types of situations. However if he had received the help and had gotten a formal diagnosis  - maybe many difficult situations would have been better dealt with. He was perceived as a liar instead.  Which is unfair and unfortunate.

To have a open communication within the family  - I wish we would have had.

Don't know if I helped you...but that is what I personally concluded.
I wish you well.

My childhood was a very lonely place. Many contradictions were true. Like for ex I was the only girl among four brothers. So it looked like I was wanted. Nope. I was the youngest so I should have been pampered with.  Nope. We lived in a "safe" country but I wasn't.  We lived in a house  but I perceived it as a camp of bad sort. And so on.
I was the sg and the lc. Starved for food and positiv attention. Beaten by both words, feelings, and fists. The sexual abuse started with my "so called" b2 and the following year my M b = u. started.
Life made no sense in any which way I turned.  And no adult ever intervened to help. Clothes that were holes in them. Too large . Not right for the season. At twelve I was picked up by my boyfriend in his car...
In 1989 ( I was 23) I told my p and b's about the abuse by their son/brothers.
And that resulted in me being excluded from the family for thirty years.  (Or..since then...)

The one b3 that had been closest to me was wrongly imprisoned. And I thought that it would change things if I would help him.
I made judicial history in my country.
And he was granted a new trial after more than one decade in prison.
A few days later my m died.
On that very night my youngest b4 told me that b234 had all been sexually assaulted by a man. This happens just as I was raped the first time.

Why, why did they not tell me?  Why did they take part in excluding me? Why?
It feels like a new assault.
Don't understand how I should feel about it.
It is such a coward behaviour on their behalf.
Am I wrong?   

  Thank you all for sharing so bravely of your inner pain on this awful matter. My heart aches for all of us being born into a family/parent who wasn't prepared for a child.  A child is supposed to be the most beautiful gift a person can have... So it is not possible to make sense of our experiences. I read all your posts and it took me some time to do. Needed time to process. Many times I tried to make sense of this "childhood " we had.  And I came to think of my cat. She had kittens on many occasions.  But as soon as she could she dumped the kittens and went out to have some fun. So just like her my m was able to get children. Her body functioned in this aspect. But just like that cat my m was no mother.
To be a mother is a verb. It's not a title.

So bcz of her I have lived with cptsd my whole life. Having thoughts and feelings that were symptoms of the abuse. The only reason why I function at all is bcz I had older siblings that were curious about me. So they touched, they spoke and they acknowledged that I was born. Or even alive.   

But you here have given me so much healing by sharing. I can not enough tell you please  - Thank you so very much for articulating your own experience. I have now for the first time in my life been sleeping without nightmares. Consisting of dreams were I am being murdered in one awful way or another. My inner infant screaming for food  - has been heard through you - and I now am able to eat in a normal way. There are many things still to heal. But I am so thankful for you.

Welcome Rosalee. It is terrible when you're so alone in a family. To be responsible and not receive any gratitude from people who should love and respect you. Here you can tell your stories and be heard.  That is respect well deserved   

This topic made many thoughts and feelings stirring up.  Thank you all for sharing as it helps to see myself better and thus being able to heal better. 

My school years were chaotic. Having no aid in getting my things together for bathing or sports.  Having clothes for the right seasons summer (hot) winter (snow and ice). My clothes were in a disrepair. Started to use socks when I married LH. Not having breakfast before. Not sleeping in peace at night.  It was difficult to concentrate on the lessons.  Feelings of being a ugly duckling, shame for not having been able to get my things in order... 
Hungry. (Not a word thought of in this socially "safe" country.  Someone here had a start of introduction post that spoke of third world countries.  Well this is not.  But that gives a whole set of other issues. ) When I was in fifth grade a girl from my first class met me and she told me that I had In middle of class all of a sudden gotten up on my desk stating; " No! I don't want to!!".

Nosebleeds and stomach aches. Was normal life.
But I was also the one that protected others from bullying.  I was a sports player.  I sang before the class.
So I was able to do things that were innate to me.

Stopped going to school at seventh ( 14 years old)grade.  Then I would have still been mandated to go on for two more years.
No adult spoke up.

Luckily for me I love reading. So could read a book a day! I taught myself to read at six. English I started to learn by reading the translation and pairing the words together!(?)!!
And so forth.
But no I have never been able to get any degree of any kind.
Made a IQ test that said that I had a degree worthy of a university degree in my head. But unfortunately not on paper.

Pete Walker's book, he talked about how much safer he felt in the army than with his family. In the army, there were clear rules. You follow them, you get rewarded. You transgress them, you get punished, while at home, there are hidden landmines everywhere  - thank you for adding this Arale!
My friends became the underdogs and criminals and people using drugs.  The people who others were afraid of  - they showed respect and with them I was safe.
The world was a very confusing place.
I can not for my life understand why teachers, doctors and other adults never spoke up in order to help me? Why? There were laws that should have been followed...
I was not popular in school except looked for when somebody needed help.  And that is still true in my life. To be a fellow human a degree is not necessary.. 

  Thank you all for your insights into how we try to defend ourselves and survive.
Saylor to your question and agree with Kizzi. The perp/s  narc FOO they were going to do what ever they wanted to.  No matter what the costs for those in their way. My siblings having been victims of M who was a HPD and a narc a F who was an alcoholic with his own undiagnosed cptsd (?). being a covert narc. My 4 B grew up to mimic our P. And they have kept the abusive attitude towards me - being the only girl and youngest. So being close to 60 hasn't changed them. Just the tactics.
I have finally cut of all ties. My friends are my family. Hope you will keep on your own road to better life. 

 :grouphug:Regrets I had a few...as old blue eyes sang... I thought of another thing that I have learned from my own pets. And as well rescued animals. What I have found is that they have a wonderful way of letting go. When having a unhealthy trate, you can help a animal to change it very quickly. Humans have a tendency to keep holding on to "bad habits " - which often means what we believe to be true. It doesn't matter if it is accurate. We keep going on the same road (=thought/belief). So I mimic my darling pets when I realise that noone is going to come to my rescue or apologise or show a sense of respect for me as a fellow human. I tell myself to let it go. Because they are feelings/dealings/actions- not belonging to me. I didn't choose.  I was in a "train wreck " - of someone else's life. Trying to find out when feelings are truly mine or given to me by a narc. To put it plain : when someone handed over a piece of **** to me. And I figured out what it was.  Why hold on to it? It stinks.  Emotionally it brakes me to the core. I would not have done the same to no one. How is it for you?  The big 3 and other events in your life?  I want to heal by analysing not only myself but also  - in a distance see them FOO, who throughout my life choose their own behaviour. Their...behaviour.  Not mine. Do I make any sense?
Your reasoning upon your own life is so helpful to take a closer look at parts of my life.  Many times the shared looks  - is such a great way to make sense of cptsd...

Take care of you.

Regret, I am so sorry for your losses as a child.  Can truly relate to this.  Myself, well I  - I kind of taught myself what love is. Started to do this in my teens - by being together with animals. To see the joy and love that puppy's or kittens have. I use to think that "I will mimic that until it feels normal. " My contacts with children have also given me insight into my own heart and mind. Giving to myself what my FOO never could. At 54 years of age and having been married for 26, I still have to work on this. I still have to explain to myself that I am loved. I am accepted as I am. Feelings of not being worthy, not understanding how love is when felt freely and with ease. Puppy's and kittens they just are. They don't pretend. And I think that love and joy goes together. Don't you think? And at a beautiful day outside in nature. Enjoying fresh air. Beautiful trees and waters. The skies always changing in colours and cloudy shapes. When you feel light. You can breathe. You are at peace. How do you feel then?

Suddenly the mystery is clear, that love is only letting go of fear" but is it that easy?

In a way  - I think that it is necessary to let go of fears. But it takes time for the mind to change accordingly...

My husband is a trustworthy person and I trust him when he says and shows me that he loves me. And I love him too.
But I don't think that I love him as freely as he loves me. That was stolen from me.
But practice makes perfect right?

Thank you so much for sharing. Hope you find some release in being heard. I heard you.

 Contessa we are a tribe here of ugly ducklings who have come "together " - proving to be swans. You belong to us.
                   

  Hi, with my anxieties and insecurities I have found that my two dogs give me some space to just breathe. If I get rattled or triggered bending down and "adjusting " my girls  - give me pause to think how I want to handle the situation. Do I want to respond?  Do I change the topic?  Or what do I want. Having the support from these trusted friends are a great way to get through some ruff patches. In any shape or form you are good enough as you are. Plz take care of you. Superficial things doesn't tell anything about the inside person, isn't that what counts?