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Thanks, Saylor! 

Thanks so much for these replies; just knowing that I am not alone is so huge. 

Also, I'm just tired. Tired of the struggle, tired of relationship conflicts, of not having a safe place to land. If anyone has anecdotes about how you create your own safe harbor, or even if you can just relate, I'd be interested to hear.

I'm so glad my words were helpful, and thank you for yours.

I am getting better at accepting suffering; not in a way that will keep me stuck in it I think (and hope) but in a way that makes it slightly less terrifying. Baby steps. We are making progress! I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling safer. 

Reach out anytime you need and want; this forum seems very supportive. 

P.S. Speaking of, here is a song I find soothing sometimes: https://youtu.be/wDLFjWM9GrQ

Hi everyone,

I've been using this forum a little bit now but am a little anxious that I don't do it quite right. I'm trying to reach out, though. I'm feeling quite lonely. I've related to other posts in this topic about the pain of needing connection with others but not knowing how to make it safe or workable. Being in relationships always seems to involve lots of problems and pain, but not being in relationships seems to make everything else in my life worse—I'm not that healthy when I'm alone.

I realize this is a major conundrum for many of us with cptsd and attachment disorder (as addressed skillfully elsewhere in this topic), and there may be no real answers other than the daily work of recovery and self-compassion and -forgiveness.

I do get a lot out of just knowing that I can tell the truth here and other people will understand, accept it, and be kind. That's a big deal. And it is good medicine for me to be able to tell the truth somewhere; to verbally ventilate and grieve, which helps me move through the feelings and do some deep healing at the same time.

So partly, for me, just this is the answer. I'm also curious, though, what other people have found helpful, in those moments when they're feeling alone and scared, and wish they had warm connection to someone but don't, and don't know how to build it right now? What do you do that helps you?

Thanks 

I relate, Hoffnung12. Loneliness and the way our condition makes connection—and lack of connection—is very hard. You're not alone. 🤝

I, too, wonder if periods—even long ones—of depression and stuckness can actually be generators/incubators for the next phase. It has seemed so to me based on some personal experience, direct and indirect. I think there could be more there, more happening, than it seems. And that it may be a natural stage following acceptance and the kind of loss and letting go that entails. Thoughts?

P.S. There are lots of stories of people who "snapped" and then, because of that, went on to have totally different, joyful, awakened and content lives. Even people who experienced such a thing later in life. A couple examples that come to mind are Byron Katie (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byron_Katie?wprov=sfti1) and Eckhart Tolle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eckhart_Tolle?wprov=sfti1).

Hi soalone, I really appreciated this post. I came to this topic to post about my own suffering, and I like you wasn't sure if it was the right place or where was, but I was comforted by your share. Not by the fact that you are in pain and distress, but to know that I am not alone—and neither are you.

It sounds like your immediate environment might be pretty emotionally isolating, in terms of the awareness you bear and the lack of shared awareness or conversation about what's happening with everyone else emotionally. That is a lot, and it sounds like your body and mind are responding really naturally—and, dare I suggest, healthily?—to all the things you're processing. (And by the way, it doesn't sound like your family has an abundance of patience! I wish you patience and compassion for yourself, during this hard time, when they are struggling to offer it to you.) And beyond your immediate situation, there are many who share your experiences.

It's interesting—I always thought I would rather have mental illness manifest the way it has for you, with a convincing veneer that I'm successful and well adjusted, so that I didn't have to deal with the judgment and pain of being an overt mess and failure. But now I see that there are just different experiences, none better or worse. I can really hear and see how difficult what you're experiencing is.

I hope that you are getting adequate support from your doctors, and am glad you're sticking up for yourself around what you feel you need (and don't need). Admitting can be good—lifesaving and relieving—when it's really needed, but not when it's not.

We're here for you, it can and does get better, and please keep posting when you feel like it. And know that, at the very least, you helped another lonely, troubled soul feel comforted and less alone tonight. 

Hello all,

I already started posting in some of the other spaces; I read all the requisite introductory material, but I somehow missed this space. Anyway, I'm here now to inquire whether there is a glossary of common terms and acronyms somewhere? Or whether people just know them from their own reading? I'm in the process of reading a cptsd book myself, and have had a lot of therapy and am familiar with many terms and acronyms, but there are still some I don't know, and so don't know what people mean when they use them.

I looked, but I will admit I have a tendency to miss things in plain site.

On that point, here's a quote a loved one recently shared with me, by E.M. Forster on the "aristocracy of spirit":

"Not an aristocracy of power, based upon rank and influence, but an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate and the plucky. Its members are to be found in all nations and classes, and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the one true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos. Thousands of them perish in obscurity, a few are great names.They are sensitive for others as well as themselves, they are considerate without being fussy, their pluck is not swankiness but the power to endure, and they can take a joke... Again and again Authority, seeing their value, has tried to net them and to utilize them as the Egyptian Priesthood or the Christian Church or the Chinese Civil Service or the Group Movement, or some other worthy stunt. But they slip through the net and are gone; when the door is shut, they are no longer in the room; their temple, as one of them remarked, is the Holiness of the Heart's Affection, and their kingdom, though they never possess it, is the wide-open world."

I really appreciated this. I'm in the middle of a hard time with lots of stress and potential downfall, and not a lot of relief; and there's not much more I can do about it at this point other than what I'm doing... and I can't tell if it's going to work out. But it does really help, in the midst of that, to remember to be compassionate with myself and give myself breaks for my points of overwhelm and my coping mechanisms. I do feel—in my body, in my mind—how hard I work and how tired I am. I can at least give myself a break whenever possible or necessary!

We all, here, do so much, all the time: what this forum is helping me realize, as I read your posts and replies, is how hard you all work too, and on top of that, how sensitive (in the best ways), intelligent, considerate, resilient, judicious, strong, brave, and wise all of you are! And that makes me think, if I belong here, and I relate to the hard parts, maybe I have those good qualities too! You're helping me see the good in me through the good in you.

I just wanted to say that I was sorry to have misplaced this post in the Disturbed Relationships area; initially I was feeling distressed by the apparent loss of connection and relationships during my hard time, which is a recurring pattern for me. But I realize I also should have included a trigger warning.

I'm learning more about my suicide ideation, and have learned in my body to not take it so seriously. In my case it's a repeating thought/experience pattern but never one that has led to action; what I've read is termed "passive suicidality." It's a kind of emotional coping mechanism, I guess, and I suppose also a natural part of emotional flashbacks.

In any case, I'm learning—somehow—to have more faith and hope, and to believe that things may work out even when I don't know how. It is still true that life is and has long been very difficult for me and that I would like that to stop, and so there are times when I fantasize about having an "out," because it—something like contemplating dying painlessly in my sleep through an act of God, for example—allows me to imagine the pain stopping. I wonder if anyone else can identify?

Hi DingDing Crunch,

Yes, I have what I've read termed as mold illness or mold sickness, but what I have not been able to officially diagnose due to financial reasons. The specialists I found were much too expensive for me. But I have had almost all the symptoms, and the recommended remedies have all helped, including relocation and diet. I don't know what a functional doctor is, or what steps you're taking, but I've been greatly helped by, as I mentioned, relocation (away from the harmful environment), getting rid of all my stuff in the process, adjusting my diet (though this has been very difficult for me and I still have symptom flare-ups when I deviate), and taking some of the supplements I found recommended online. Let me know if you'd like to discuss any further. Hang in there, it can get better; and it can be a very frustrating process, for many reasons.

[(TW) New Yorker article about Fiona Apple]

(TW) New Yorker article about Fiona Apple

I found this deeply relatable and inspiring: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/03/23/fiona-apples-art-of-radical-sensitivity?utm_source=onsite-share&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=onsite-share&utm_brand=the-new-yorker


One-A-Day Reason To Be Happy

A book from my childhood that I still have and that gives really good examples of all the small and weird things we can be happy about every day, even in hardship (like taking one step, or seeing a small flower): https://www.amazon.ca/One-Day-Reason-Be-Happy/dp/0896381110