Messages

1. I  brought milk for breakfast
2. I sorted out a box of rubbish
3. I got realised i was angry.

I believe you.

I know I'm doing the right thing by reducing the contact I have but right now I am feeling so lonely. Many people around me have extremely close and helpful extended family members and it's getting to me.
I have also stopped initiating contact with almost all SO family.

Its isolating. I know it's also protective but I am struggling with it.

1 I went for a walk even though it was raining

2 I managed to cook dinner despite feelings of overwhelm.

3 I reached out to a friend and although she was not available I am still glad I thought to do something and try.

Thank you Not Alone, Armadillo, and Kizzie. Your messages helped me to have the courage to say what had happened at my next session.

My T brought the ending of our previous session up as she realised something was off but there was no time on zoom to go any further. I was able to explain what had happened, this is massive as I'd usually freeze at even the thought of communicating why I freeze. I feel like she understands my triggers and how they fit into my story now. Hopefully sessions will end better from now on.

I just need to get this out. This could end up being a ramble.

My T has freaked me out. She didn't intend to I know. She asked me to do something to aid with grounding, such a simple thing, but it was like a direct trigger. I am still not ok days after therapy.
We've been working together for years,  I trust her, I love her (this is a mutual, not in a weird way, we have both acknowledged this in sessions, in a deeply caring way) she actually gets me and now she triggers me.
Things she has said/ done have triggered me before and we've worked it through but this was so different.
I panicked in a whole new way. I was already in a flashback, I was coming out of it then suddenly the threat came from her. I am so freaked out by what happened. I don't know what to do. Was I staying with it and feeling something or was something else going on. I just had to keep saying no, I felt so out of control. I am so on edge. Am I finally begining to shift how I interact in flashbacks and find a voice to say what I need.
Has anyone else noticed a change in the way they come out of flashbacks?
I usually freeze, very still, quiet but this time I was shaking my head saying no I can't and I dont want to it was so different.
I am really scared about my next session, I know I need to tell her what happened, it was right at the end of session, the last minute so I don't think she realised what was going on. I feel if I tell her it might be like pressing repeat and doing it all over again. I am so confused. I don't feel like me.

1. Comfortable shoes.

2. A quick dinner to put in the oven.

3. A warm scarf.

4. A hot water bottle.

I'm not sure if this is of any help...

When I went in for my first assessment and then my first session I had in my mind to see if I could one day trust this person enough to speak my past. I didn't have to trust them there and then but just that there was a possibility of one day perhaps I could. That has always been my bar, if I get to the point where I feel I DO NOT TRUST YOU then it's time to leave. Maybe one day I will, but not today is ok, it can take a long time to build trust, but it is possible.

The person doing my assessment also said that saying 'I don't want to answer that question' was a valid answer and an answer that they would respect really helped too.

I hope it goes well.

Hi hope,

I was just wondering if you'd thought any more about journaling your different parts and how your getting on?

1. Today I had an interview and I got the job. 

2.  I cleaned something without any hint of a flashback. Just a small section of floor but it feels like a MASSIVE achievement. 

3. I didn't go into 'attack  mode' when someone attempted to provoke me.

Thanks snookiebookie, glad I'm not the only one who feels that drive to reach the end of the day then 'flops'. I'm sorry you experience it too but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in it. Thank you for responding.

Yes, I journal too but it often feels like part of the process rather than me... does that make sense.

1. Country parks, beautiful open spaces.

2. A friend to enjoy it with.

3. Warm blankets.

So, this is perhaps a silly question but...
What do you do in the evenings?

I struggle to do anything other than flop in a heap because I'm so tired. Recently I've been thinking I might need to push myself to do a bit more. To begin to reclaim some of the 'me' that has been eroded away by everything that is CPTSD.

Any thoughts or suggestions welcomed.

1. Photography

2. Autumn leaves

3. Batch cooking

4. Warm showers

5. Calm sensible people

I didn't know what anger was until relatively recently. I had to google it. I got a surprise, it wasnt all bad and aggressive like I had thought, it took a while for me to adjust my thinking but things began to make sense at least academically if you like.
I remember saying to my SO that I didn't get angry, he laughed and looked incredulously at me. I clearly did get angry but I had no idea I was angry. I now recognise the behaviours that accompany anger sometimes but not always the feelings. I can see anger in others. Acknowledging my anger is a different thing. I still dont really get it in terms of feeling it and recognising it in the moment or even how and why I'm angry. I think that's all for now. Hope some of that helps.