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had a good day today. i havent been triggered and i guess alot of my past i have surrendered to the fact that i just cant change it. it has also been great to realize that i have come along way and also with surrender comes acceptance.

  i recall when i first stumbled across this site it spoke of being in a situation that you were unable to escape from and that still impacts on me today. i dont want to sign a lease with a rental authority because i dont want to feel like im trapped again, i like to have a sense of freedom and know that at anytime i can just move on or away. i just decided i will fill you in on how i escaped or saved from one of these horrendous entrapment expeirences.
  my distress the other day after talking about fear was about the fact that this situation i found myself in was completely orchestrated by one particular individual ( seperation anxiety , i was just going to infor you of how i escaped and then was going to tell you how i got their, i can get way off tact someitmes and i think its a sign of how muddled up i can become because in reality i was feeling okay , then i started to recall exactly how i got their and began to disociate. even now i couldnt be bothered and i was feeling bouyant a few moments ago. new paragraph!!!.
   i was feeling bouyant becaus i wanted to look back at the escape from this situation i was covertly manipulated into being in. i was feeling kind of prideful about having manipulated a situation to escape it, nd it had caught these people completely unawares. now i want to go and have a cigarette,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a little deflated now but im determined to write about this ending , and ) yes i have a tendancy to always find the end so i can write a fairytale beginning . also saves you from disappointment and rejection,,,, well i find anyway. smoke time!!!!!!
   i have lost my drive to write about that incident , its been over half an hour and i have eatin as well , i just feel like slothing out and letting this meal begin to digest so bye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA_JcD4Qs38

    i fear that im being stalked on the internet sometimes and this use to send me spiralling into convolution and distortion and sometimes i think t still maybe playing out because reality is i dot like alot of people and sometimes i play out scenarios in my head trying to find a resolution to my internal chaos, also to guide me as i use to walk around like i was a painted wind, that innocence is a domain everyone can traverse in. reality is though innocence is the domain of children and i dont think there would be an adult of any kind that hasnt flirted with or broke a law of some kind where it be going over the speed limit by one kilometer. i hate status and station in life and one of the things i recall of people of a particular faith trying to indct me that heaven was going to be the earth reborn and that we'd be able to feed wild animals by hand. sometimes i dwell on this and think if only humans could get along everything would be alright yet the seems to be so much contreversary in life and differnet personalities that its just impossible to get along with everyone simultaneously. i detested education as a result  of some of my expierences and i guess i hate those whom circumnavigate turmoil and think that instruction is all that is needed. i guess these individuals have a agenda or a quota to fill and whilst i dont condemn these people i still think that like the bob dylan song : the answer my friend is blowing in the wind' for if you can stifle a heated torch then you can learn to adjust the flame to what ever temperature you desire and i guess thats indicative of those with personality disorders, i feared as to which one i had and of those that i researched i think i fit in amongst the AVOIDANT personality type. there seems to be to much conjecture involved in commiting yourself to anyone particular ideal and where i faltering is by aligning myself with this ideal that one day i'll be restored to the happy articulate middle aged man that society would be proud of. i have attempted on at least three occassion to gain a certificate in education and have failed because of anxiety and also stress. it reminds me of the competitive nature of starving nimals trying to get a feed and the aggression that ensues when you have to fend for your own piece of carcass and people call this life. i think its horrendous as its a regression and needs to be curtailed but not everyone has that capacity or by the same token compunction. evidentuated in business and also by those striving to reach a common goal where they come up against and find there know other way to surmount an opposing force. you see i have only to have n inkling that there is something dubious involved whether it be positive or negative and i find myself out of sorts. i dont immediately become paranoid but when i plummet into introspection i often find myself in a seething cauldron of debate and im primarily there on my own as i generally shutdown mentally in the company of others and its the first time i have ever really put that out there. sharing my dysfunction with others or is it just really how i learned to cope in what i came to perceive as a really competitive and hostile world, i think as a result of my expeirence  on the boat ramp i learned that thoughts could be dangerous so for me as i repressed adventurer i became to depend on having a thought and then notionalizing the thought or thought that ensued into a fantasy in which i could feel and thats it basically a land in which i could feel so as to endure and survive the distortion that was displayed to me in my enviroment. i suspect it is a coping mechanism so indelibly extwined into my psyche that i may never break the habit and to be honest i dont know know if i reallyy want to. then i realize i just have to accept my mal-formity for the time untill i get released for the diabolical imprisonment of responsibilty again and develope a lustre for life again and step away fro the il-formity of disconsulation. done for today.

  just spoke to someone to ease my sense of treachery. she was a piece of work and things like this i find difficult to talk about because they were dehumanizing in the sense the young adults come to rely on more mature adults for consistency and the behaviours they were consistent in were attrocious. sexualizing with minors, this was the female and also guilty i suspect of raqueteering as on another occassion whilst in her care we were counscilled on how to manipulate a scene in order to sue someone if they broke the law. and what triggered this off was talking about fear, yes fear , i am phophobic, the fear of fear. i am coming back into myslef now and looking back this morning i was quite self assured that i may be able to achieve a gola of mine and become nicotine free.  i dont think i will ever become an expert of talking about fear,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah , the scenario i mentioned about manipulating a situation in order to try and contrive money out a a certain party involved us luring a rumored antagonist out onto a public road and getting into an altercation with him. his father ended up coming out onto the footpath and grabbing the too of us around the throat and pushing us up against his front fence. both of us soiled our pants and removed out underwear on the way home and threw them up into a tree. that was terrifying , i can still remember ny heart lurching out of its cavity and it didnt start to recede until we were three parts the way back to were we lived. her son relayed the story of throwing our underwear up into the tree and it was laughed about. asking myself honestly how i felt about it back then , numb,, i just smile because others were laughing , i was terrified though . not sure were that memory fits into my life , wether it was prior ,,,,,, no it was after her son had gotten back from western australia. because we moved briefly into a house together. part of me never fully recognizes that i am broke because i just see desperation as a means to an end , i was just contemplating stealing in order to maintain my cigarette addiction if it comes to that. never been to jail and its embarrassing to admit that the companionship that i find in them is like a child still being weaned , all this repressed trauma and im just starting to accept that it is idelibly interwoven into my psyche.

   fear FEAR FEAR FEAR , i hardly recognize this emotion within me, im so attuned to putting on a mask or going with that attitude of having to soldier on to the very end and i guess the memory that just surfaced is one of a young man who didnt really want to acknowledge it because even i was induced into ridiculing it.

    i had left home and was living with a family that had too addicts for parents. it was a really dysfunctional family. i ad gained employment were the male parent was employed and ended up quitting. this disappointed the male and he basically ignored me after quitting a job were i believe he vouched for me to his employer. he favored me over his son and during or before i started employment his mother preying on this had her son relocated to western australia to work with his aunt and uncle shooting roos. her son wanted to come home after awhile and she concocted a story that she wanted me to participate in where i was to lie to her husband about whaat she needed money for which was going to be to get her son home. i was torn with indecision and was racked with guilt trying to figure out what to do. i eventually told the maes best friend and drinking companion what she was concocting and he said to tell the male what was happening. i did and he took control and gave her the money but she abused for telling him, it was vile and i ended up staying out a the sheds over the weekends and it just occured to me that this is the second time i got comepletely paraletic on alcohol. now i become full of despair and sadness again, it was despicable to try and involve a junior in something so covert and manipulative, she was disgusting. i guess that is how trauma works though, i cant bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the degradation inflicted by other toxic acts because they ovrwhelm and corrode my sensibilities, i guess i just want to switch it off now as i find myself full of disparagement. she ended up defrauding me of 2 thousand dollars and shipping me and her son both over to her brother and sister in laws, just realized that fea makes me sick , takes me straight into isolation and being stuck in a desert with know where to hide or run to alls you can do is internalize it and repress it and survive the best you can. going to call a counscilling service.

    took the day off yesterday as i was tired and needed to regroup my energies. the ole perfectioist thing was resurfacing in the sense that i wanted to be exactly sure as to when things happened. i havent been entirely down and out but i still find it difficult to expierence feelings of well being and learning how to articulate tehm and express them is a trigger in the sense that i find that i might overwhelm someone else and that is a sign of martyrdom and the catalyst of co dependancy. the flogging after jumping on the bed comes to mind as it is the first conscious memory of feelings of an opulant nature surfacing. the sense of jumping on a bed and defying gravity was alluring and i have just realized that these feeelings lead me to think that im am naughty and a bad person because they can effect others negatively , trips me into becoming very meek and hyper aroused in the sense i cant anticipate what peoples reactions will be. you see there was ( telling myself here ) joy and fun to be had whilst in the company of my brother and there was an (alien/pushing boundaries here i know) but there was danger lurking in the vicinity out of eyesight ( my mom on that articular occassion ) hence my intrepidation to venture and feel completely at ease even in a relatively secure enviroment , if i felt threatened in my family life then what chance did i have or was there for me in a strange enviroment .

     memory comes to mind of eating out at a friends house one night whilst on holdays with my dad. there was cashews in the main course and a question was posed about eating nuts by the hosts wife and i said she could eat my nuts to and there was a chuckle and then embarrassment as people laughed at the innocence of that statement and what others had associated it with. i particularly liked this woman and she was my first infatuation as i entered puberty at a later date. my point is that i felt like there was a gulf going to open up in the floor and swallow me up after there was a few mimed gruffness by the husband , i felt abashed and come to detest being mocked or ridiculed when i was trying to determine my feelings as i really did like this lady and i was perhaps nine or ten. still do actually.

   attraction was a trigger for me as they filled me with elation and that was a vunerability i didnt want to advertise.

   sighs ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, dont know what to say or where to begin really, there is the jealousy of my brother that i outshone him i my fathers book and he was " king " ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, trying to connect with what happened in grade two as in with the teacher ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i was going to say spanking me in front of the class but she was livid that the card had been chewed so i think it was more about disobeying her authority which changed the affrontage,,,,,,,, if my intuition is serving me well and if i was to put it out there hypothetically then i would say that my holiday came first and after that drama filled expierence i think that being hit in front of the class , becoming emotional as a secondary shame as i already had been told " big boys dont cry " and also that " stop that bloody crying or i will give you something to cry about " so i learnt really eary on that emotions were a liability and it only gets worse ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i havent barely begun and i hit despondancy. another memory as i was talking about being mentally abused,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

     i was eatig dinner with my older brother one evening. ( before my parents divorced ) we were eating a meal that my father had concocted. he was very proud of his hasberghandies ( a name he also invented ) it involved taking everything left over or partially eaten thing from the fridge and frying it up.  in went spices, tawny port, vegemite and it was quite the brew, i was four and my stomach was still soft and i coudnt bring myself too eat more then three mouthfuls . my parents went down to the annex as my brother and i were stalling for good reason. i ended up asking for a glass of water, which was fairly intelligent for someone so young but i ended up tipping some of it into the dish i was trying to eat. after awhile my parents came up to see what was happening and my mother could tell that i had put water into my dinner, she saw red and told my father who proceeded to belt us both and we were sent to bed. i think my mother also contributed to by saying that we should be grateful because their were people in africa who were starving and would be grateful for what we had in front of us, so in just that one incident my brother and i were mentally, emotionally ( stop that crying r i will give you something to cry about ) and physically abused. i just detach or was just drifting off into dissociation to think about something worth while in life, i get sullen and withdraw as i was also told that in physical pain to ignore it and it will go away , guess that also had to suffice for emotional pain as well,,,,,,,,,,,,,, guess at least i am trying to remain in the present as best i can , i was just caressing my whiskers in contemplation as to were to go next,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hmmmmmm , the word distant crossed my mind and that how i feel at present or was , just had another memory flash through my mind of how as a teenager i had a couple of friends who use to tease me because id drift off and end up looking to them like one of those clowns at the fair with their mouths agape waiting for a ping pong ball to be placed into it and away i go again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sighs ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a decison that has never been made,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, impatience another scene flashes into my mind as to why i hate waiting , it was either outside the classroom or as a result of a car accident i was in and had to wait by the curb whilst my mother was dealing with the police and being lead off by a stranger to have cookies and milk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, contorted guilt , we got hit by a motor bike and i was meant to be looking out for cars,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,becoming fixated with games as they were more entertaining then what was happening on the black board( grade five ),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, grade four,,,, rubbing my forid to feign i ad a temperature as i hated being indoors,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and this is quite time for me ,,,,,,,,,,, i have just eatin dinner and thought of what else i could do ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i did make a commitment today to post a few times and i have also decided to quit my course online and i get to distracts and interupted by stimulus,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i could just place my finger on the comma key and let it space out,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that how tedious i find this stuff , i start out in a postive or workman like state then get frustrated by how little continuance there is to my memories , my alcoholism , couls just pick up a drink and wash it all away , that like what i expect,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im done for now

    was thinking on what i posted earlier and have come to the conclusion that i interpreted anxiety as something that was a girls domain and i wanted to be in a males domain.

     the way my father interacted with that young girl left me feeling very confused in the years to come , well perhaps that is a lie of sorts because i just sponged it all up. like i mentioned my parents had recently seperated and my mother when i was living with her was just as exuberant as what the graziers daughter was. she began seeing other men and partying, whenever it came up about sex though my mother would exhibit the same sort of energy as this child had done. not that she was sexualy active but just in the way she conducted herself and ike i mentioned i think she may have been bi polar. that is another period of my life though.

     we went to another property to check the waters and fences. there was a coupe of lakes that the homestead overlooked as it was on a hilltop. feral pigs used to come to the lakes to drink and wallow and forage. on one particular ocassion my father decided to go down to the lake on foot and try and shoot a feral pig. there were no pigs about, we did however look at a black swans nest. on the way back we ahd to pass via another hill. my brother had been scolded about something and was skulking off on his own out to our left about 70 eters away. an old grey roo came bounding along between the hill that the homestead was perched on and the hill we had traversed around. my father began to site it up to shoot it when he thought it was behaving a little strangely. it noticed us and took off through the fence. about 60 seconds later a dingo who was in pursuit of the roo came along. my father sited up and i think he fired. he missed and he dingo bolted. this only furthered his ire towards my older brother as he believed that if e had of stayed with us he may have taken the path my brother was travelling and he would have gotten a better shot at it. we also so chased on another occasion chased a sow with some porkers with her across the flat. it was really rough because of the pigs rooting it up ad cattle walking in the black soil mud by the waters edge, as the lake receeded it became very rugged. my father managed to run over one of the porkers.  he pulled the vehicle up and we went back to shoot it. it was squealing very loudly and had the same sort of pitch to it as the girls had been. this frightened me immensely. as we were nearing the porker with its backbone broken its mother returned to the scene. my father said lookout and my older brother bolted and i followed suit. my father took a shot at the sow, it took off. my father  called to my older brother to go back so as he could put the porker out of its misery. i recall my brother shooting the porker with my fathers guidance.

        the stations manager came over with his soon to be son in law. we were to go check waters and do some fishing as well. away we went and somewhere along the way my father mentioned that he had forgotted the bait. so it becae a priority to get some. at every billabong we came across with a duck in it we tried to shoot one. it took perhaps three holes before we got one. the son in law made to get out of the car bt my father said hey watch this, he said which one of you boys wants to get that duck from the front of the cab. i leapt out in a flash getting the jump on my brother. i ran to the otherside and nearly got puled under by the weeds in my haste to retrieve the duck. my fathe thought it was a great joke to play o the competitive nature between my brother and i. we stopped at some hole in a river and caught a few fish. we threw our lies in over the weeds from a steep bank. i would get bored however and slowly pull my line back towrds the weeds and bang , fish. my brother followed suit and the competition was on again. we ended up movig on and i dont recall who caught the most but at this next billabong we were doing the same again, there was no blackbream and know weeds but their were fish in sight hoveing near the roots of the teatree trees. i began dangling my hook near the surface and caught an archer fish. my brother wanted to do the same but there wasnt enough room. he ended cracking the shits and walked over to the other side of the hole. their was commentary going on all the time about our interactions and the manager ended up talking about saltwater crocodiles and how they could live in billabongs for years and that it wouldnt be impossible for oe to take a little boy. this had the desired effect and my father walked off to my oldrs brothers aid. i stayed but the was some more dialog about crocodiles and i felt sad and guilty about the prospect of losing my older brother so i walked off to join them, i did forget to say that whst we were travelling to the river we came across a cleanskn bull which we run down and carstrated and marked, we used his testicles for bait.

     why i tell you all this is because of the early childhood trauma at the hands of games and then to be confronted with highly adrenalin filled expeditions, the game by the billabong were my father was trying to play or vi for seond in command and using the natures of young children as a sport to impress others at how wordly expierenced you were. part of me knows that these arent your everyday stories and i still strugge with the fact that these memories all became intrusive to me because they probaly got attached to that amygdalla thing in the brain. these flashbacks can occur indiscriminitly and i can also do the same with god times at this age, it seems to be deeply ingrained in me this operatus.

   i do see a counscillor though i find it hard to let anyone in. im venturing in that direction currently. also my case manager with my pyschiatric team are exiting my from their care.

   the memory that has been floating around my head this morning is from approximately 7 or eight years of age. my parents had seperated or were nearing that stage. my father ha taken myself and my older brother out to his new workplace for the school holidays. it was out on a property and his new employer had a grand daughter that was one day older then me. i believe she was home schooled and was extremely excited to have some playmates, the trampoline she had was became the center of our play and on one occassion in her jubilation she became overly excited and decided to pee on the trampolie whilst we were jumping on it. i think i may have informed my father of it and he informed her grandfather who brought out his stockwhip and proceded to crack it on her right thigh. i remember her scream as it was one of INTENSE pain and distress. my older brother and i cowered behind my father, it is unclear if my other memories  are ( and now that i think about it , precede this incident). we went fishing and she was hypo , she couldnt shut up and my father fed into her elation and he was somewhat a sexualist, i recall being in the horse yard and this girl had a horse that she was riding bareback. he placed me on behind her and the horse started to pigroot ( half hearted bucking ) this frightened e and i didnt want to be on the back of this horse , him and his chauvanistic ideals, i suspect that he was in awe of her fearlessness and her competence on a horse were as it was my first time and i was hating the expierence. i ended up falling of the horse and hit y head on a rock, my father also reveered this employer as he was a very hard man and also very wealthy. he made me get back up on the horse and i resented it as i was partially concussed but he was enthralled by her euphoria ( i suspect that she may have been bi polar ) i think he was parading his offspring to his employer hoping that he would find them worthy.

      i also recall and i suspect that after the flogging with the whip there was conversation that evening about dingoes and them eating sheep and tangling with kangaroos. later that night as i was trying to go to sleep i had all these images of dingoes fighting with kangaroos and eating sheep and i woke my father to tell him about it , he just told me to roll over and go back to sleep. its the first time i can recall cold and frightened and consciously recognizing the ringing in my ears. their is more but im tired because i think i dissociated from  elation from that time on or it was reinforced because of the terror i found that was the result of this girls behaviour. not that she deserved the stockwhip , that was just barbaric. but her elevated state of being , jubilation on the horse and the attn she was recieving from my father, i believe he was instructed to go to another property to check waters , i suspect it was after the flogging. i wil get to that but i want a rest for now, i know there is something there in the relationship with my older brother and i and my father.

   well its nearly 7 30 am here and i have just had my morning fix, two cans of coke and a few ciggarettes. im gong to have to quit as i simply cannot afford them any longer.
   
    part f me is excited and that is the kind of feeling that has got me into trouble before. my ego surfaces and i think that this is al alittle too easy and i can quit anytime that i want to. its the feeling of elation that i cant handle though i have come to understand. their is part of me that is like the little child whom my father rushed at in an aggressive way and i burst into tears, elated that i have come into some awareness and their is also the wonderous but estranging feeling of being felt up by a male presence that i blocked out because i had to front up to thieving money in order to play games, also the elation of being under the protection of the adults and having older kids being instructed to play with me, hence i become a little bit cocky.

    part of me is prideful in the sense that i havent lost my bravadiering ways and still can be defiant and rebellious but i think im finally starting to process sensations i only really expierenced in dissociation or unless im confusing that with what the doctors presume is schizo affective disorder. i have always been really impulsive and im getting alttle sick of it. i can recall as a child attending a markets and one of the stall holders had some baby ducks for sale. i went and asked my mother if i could purchase one of them. she was working at a hair dresers and informed me that she couldnt afford it, the hairdresser saw how enthused i was and told my n=mother she would give her the money so i could purchase one. i was given twenty dollars to purchase a duck and i came back with the lot of them, they were four dollars each and i was the owner of four little ducklings. thier was a little humor mixed with dissappointment but the humor was at my jubilation that i was as proud as punch of these little ducklings.

     it became a pattern in my life trying to rescue baby animals and keeping them for a period of time until they either died ( as i didnt have the skill to keep them alive) or they were passed onto someone who had the facilities to care for them. this continued even into my early adult life. i never knew i was trying to rescue my own inner child. all i ever reall wanted from life was to have a family of my own and i still havent been able to fulfill that desire. i have gotten myslef into trouble trying to parent others and trying to fulfill some maternal intsinct that was lacking in my life and that is what i miss when i become alittle cocky , its jubilation that i expierence and that was the feeling i was expierencing when i approached the aboriginal man with those dangerous words, it was also present after i was felt up down the alley way and the same of feeling still encroaches whenever i get paid. im stress free!!!! when in reality i have alittle eu stress happening, like a small child on the way to the mall or show with a pocketful of money to spend.

     part of me just doesnt give a * at the moment as im forty two years old and im still trying to grasp the descrepancies in my mental and emotional make up and thats how i feel when im feeling DISPLACED, no home , no shelter , i have to wether the storm so to speak and that is when i look for connection and reach for my cigarettes which iswhat im going to do right now, planning on posting a few times today.

   had a day or so to gather some more insight into what I expierence and what is inhibiting from trying to achieve what it is that I am currently trying to do.
     
     ummmm , trying to quit sugar,caffiene and nicotine. the sensation of coke a cola is the ultimate for my inner child , I associate all those positive feelings that I expierence in dissociation with sugar, it really enhances my imagination ( along with the ceffiene ). it seems like I don't want to actualize what a lot of those sensations are associated with. anger, violence, abuse as well as on one particular occasion, intimacy and affection of the kind I wasn't accustomed to especially in my home life. I had rejected my mothers affection from an early age and basically only cared for my fathers attn. and approval. his whilst abusive was more invigorating then what my mother could proffer. I'm tired and feel like I have let go of other abusers in my life and to be honest I could really be bothered at the moment. I'm just trying to build up a consistency so I can finally get some structure in my life and if I help anyone out here along the way then so be it, as you can choose or ignore or what it is want to take onboard. nighty nite from downunder.

    its been approximately 5 hours since i posted. i have taken myself too a meeting dealing with the alcohol and drug issues i have admitted to having though i still love nicotine and sugar and caffiene.
     to continue on from where i left off ( as i can do that now ) im thinking of how i disociate and the feelings that manifest in disocition for me.
     i generally start my day out with a can of coke and a few cigarettes, i put my headphones in and listen to songs that can take me off on tangents of marvelment, splendor, incredulousness and amazement. with my music playing i can concuct a whole heap of secenarious in my head that sustain me from the neglect i impose on myself as im a hedonist and become fixated with things that generate pleasure. i think i do this in order to mask the selfishness when it comes to enhancing my pleasure receptors in my brain and whilst their legal substances i can still work myself up into a frenzy where i becoe totally self engrossed with my past. i obsess about it in an attempt to advocate my innocence because my behaviour as a teenager was quite appalling and also because it is still quite congested when it comes to placing these things on a timeline or scale and the judge within in me calls for perfection.( leave no stone unturned ) i think also that it is interwoven with the effects of trauma and survival as i was once told the you " only get one shot at a predator " before it hightails it and runs. a statement which is terrifying in itself as i didnt know wether i was the hunted or the hunter ( BOOOOMMM!!!) HENCE MY DISTRESS WHNE IT CAME TO COURTSHIP!!!!!!!! ( sighs ) its great to be typing away here and process at the same time something i have been unable to do in the past and i only think its taken place as i was humbled indirectly by being displaced from my former residence. i had to reach out to someone and i have been talking to counscilling services over the phone for the last 5 months and i have come along in leaps and bounds in my own opinion. but this is what my mind does to me i was intially going to follow on with disociation and this tangent is about to come to a stop.
     because of my first hiding and the manner and savagery of it i think that my instinct buit a barrier in which i could escape and find sanctuary and comfort in disociation. the first sign of this happening for me was when i was approximately 3 to 4 years old. i was underneath th house as this is where i use to go when i pilfered a potatoe from the potatoe rack and wouls either cut them up and eat them or take chunks out of them ( i ended up with the knickname spud ) . my mother called from up in the house and asked me if i was eating potatoes and i recall pausing/detaching and focused my hearing to try and hear where her footsteps were within the house. ( new ! i recall feeing relieved as she was nowhere near the backdoor so i was safe if i lied) i recall lying and saying that i wasnt. my mind was just trying to place together wether she confronted me about the lie. it wa sketchy but may have been real way back then. ohand hence the disociation ( booom) THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER ACKNOWLEDGED TO MYSELF THAT I BLACKOUT WHENEVER I AM FEELING VUNERABLE. i do that a * of alot when i come to think of it. i have always blamed stm loss and what i think maybe valid as well is a slight degree of concussion syndrome. i am tired again and i have ony been going at this this time for 35 minutes. i am also trying to do a diploma online and i think i may have to withdraw from it as this is incredibly taxing to do but i feel like it has tocome first before my acceptance and awareness can grow.

  once again im alittle confounded as to were to begin, i guess getting current is the first step,
    i have been contemplating moving residence and this has been a series of triggers, first checking out the place of residence, there was alot lacking in this facility and i became worried about the other residents whom i saw as i checked out the room on offer. i am also so struggling financially and this affects my nicotine addiction and also coke a cola addiction. i still trying to figure out which is the greater trigger money, the lack of it or the possible relocation driven by financial insecurity which brings me to another memory that alittle more detail has come to the surface over the last few weeks.
   once again my mind wants to recall these incidents and place them on a timeline so i can appeal the injustice of it. i was in grade two and i was looking for a role model whom i could emulate as my parents were in the process of getting a divorce. at our school sports day there was a finale of some repute as at the end of the day there was some excitement built up as the points were tallied and their was still one event in progress, the senior boys high jump. the excitement was around the that fact that the winner would decide the outcome of the sports day. it was like a hollywood movie script. the teachers had us all in our grades sitting down and then the fuss ensued , we were relocated to watch the the finish of the event. it came down to the two school sports captains, one from either side. my sports captain ended up winning. he was quite popular in school and wether it was that afternoon or a week later or even a month i am unsure but i came across him walking through the park across from were i lived. its a little hazy but i do recall informing him that i new where to get some money from in order to play videos games.the meory of breaking into the flat i lived in and noticing this individuals body language is stronger, he was really awkward and shy and may have even asked if what i was doing was appropriate and i reassured him that it was okay. i recall being in the shop and the guy behind the counter informed my hero that the amount of money i had was an awful lot for someone so young, this next detail only resurfaced a few months ago where i was lead up an alley and sexually abused. it wasnt aggresive and i didnt feel threatened in anyway but it was very confusing as i hadnt expierenced that kind of sensation from either of my parents. it was kind of intimate and the abuse i expierenced from my father was entirely different which triggers off and now my mind is having flashbacks to an earlier expierence with my father ( i am getting frustrated so i will take a rest for a time and let this memory gel as i have another ciggarette)( i was two or three years old and i believe we had been out as a family the night before. we were having asleep in the afternoon and my mother feeling superior as my father had a hangover prompted my older brother and i to go in an play wiht my father on his bed, i still remeber my mothers mirth as my older brother and i were bundles of energy, i won the race to be first up onto his bed and his response was a hug and then he moved towards my genitals and asked how the crown jewels were, i have just realized that his enquiry was direted in some sick game as he was countering my mothers mood and tryin to kill two birds with the one stone in some sick dynamic they had going. i was exhilerated at having won the race for his attentionand in some way it becae his normal way of showing affection. what triggered this memory is that he went onto say that he was going to choke a darkie and i became excited about going out to what i thought was a visit to some new peoples place. he went to the toilet and came back and i thought this was a cue to be leaving. he remained on his bed and i enquired again as to when we were going to choke a darkie. he laughed and i dont recall what his response was, i do however remember being out the front of a shop and seeing an aboriginal man waked up to him as proud as punch and informed him that my dad said he was going to chokea darkie. my father went bright red in the face and moved toward me in an aggressive manner and i burst into tears. the sick dynamic kicked in again and i was given to my mother to console , i recall an apology being made to the person i had inadvertantly abused , i remember being shown some things in the cabinets in the shop then handed back to my father who took me back outside and down to the back of the shop where their was a wild tobacco plant  i remember my dad pointing out this and i repeated his reference to the tree) my school sports captain was aboriginal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   sometimes i just dont know where to begin. i have been looking for identification for quite sometime now and find myself going in circles. i have been through the pyschiatric system here in my local community and it hasnt helped with my sensitivity issues at all. the last 6 months has been incredibly tough but it has forced me into a position where i have reached and begun talking about how things affect me. i have been using a crisis support line here in australia and its been brilliant. i had a break through yesterday after a series of incidents. i love nicotine and caffiene along with the sugar in coke a cola. i decided yesterday that i was going to pawn my laptop to fund my nicotine and coke addiction. i rang up and spoke to someone about it and this obstinate stubborness came over me and whilst the person i was talking to didnt think it was a good idea i went along and did it anyway. the joy and relief after my cravings abated were great , i even had thoughts along the lines of "yeah im going to party " , i thought it was sensational to expierence the freedom and joy that comes along with something pleasurable. i did become a little sad and dejected though because fincially i took another backstep and rang again to talk about what it was that i was expierencing. after getting off that phone call i it came to me that the freedom i was expiencing was about defiance and what it was i was trying to defy. these are the three things that i was trying to process and found release from two of them.

   these three memories have surfaced continually over the years

   first one is that i was really sick , heavy with a virus of some kind. my brothers and sister and a couple of acquaitances children were outside playing. they were happy healthy and vibrant and were chasing one and another around playing. i couldnt keep up. i was miserable , whingeing and whiny but i woiuldnt to replicate their energy. i must have complained to the adults there and was informed to go and lay down on my bed and to go to sleep. i defied that ordinace and then was informed that if i wanted to play there was a game to played. the other kids were asked if they knew how to plat "i'll tell you a secret "i think the acquaintances kids knew and said yes we do and became really excited. i volunteered to play as well. i was the first cab off the rank and couldnt wait to be told a secret. the first child began to called me over and called me in close to whisper in my ear and i was only to eager, they whispered some nonsense and then screamed as loudly as they could. it was incredibly painful and it felt to me that as if someone had struck me in the side of the head , i think i cried ( more clarity is coming to me as i type ) but i went back the second and even perhaps a third time ( yeah such was my defiance ) and i was lead away and taken to my bed and informed "see ! thats what happens when you play games "
   the second is of being on a boat ramp and playing in the water , we with some cousins this time. everyone was splashing each other with water so i moved away from the congestion to the outside of the cluster that had formed. my older brother spied me and said "hey lets get dave" everyone proceeded to gang up on me. i wsa getting so overwhelmed that i couldnt splash back as i couldnt draw a breathe unless i looked away from them, an adult told everyone to stop. i had an ephany that i hadnt been splashing when they were told to stop so i began to splash them back, an older cousin said "we got told to stop splashing"i said "hey you guys was splashing i wasnt " he just went bright red in the face and launched himself at me grabbing me around the throat and began dunking me underwater. i remember that everytime he let me up it felt like i was only able to get a teaspoon of air. i recall thrashing about and i also heard his father calling his name. he had me face down in the water and i recall seeing his father come into the water and threaten to back hand him before he let me go. he dove backwards into the water to escape his fathers attention. it wasnt until my thirties that i relayed this story to someone and they informed me that i had had an out of body expierence.i am forty two now.
   the third is with the same cousins . they were going to play tiggy on the back of a log truck, i know recall that they didnt really want to play with me as i was a hinderance as i wasnt as agile as them. the only rule was that being you couldnt jump down off the back of the truck if you were being pursued. i was eventually pursued and being five i didnt want to be caught so as my pursuer was getting closer i decided to jump. he was a little to close though and i believe he gave me a shove for good measure. i still have the indentation in my rib cage where i hit the gutter (curbing).
     
     i was between four and a half to 5 and a half years old when all this transpired and they say that you absorb 85 percent of what you need to learn in life by 5 years of age and the rest of your years is about branching out and expierencing what life has to offer. i get a little bit cynical at times but i dont blame myself for that any longer. i have had some good times but primarily i find that pleasure comes from sugar and nicotine helps to ease the distress when i start to disociate because i have these reall high unrealistic expectations of myself which i concoct in my imagination. i still have a really vivid imagination but im letting go of what i thought was recovery, a fine specimen of manhood of which everyone would be proud of. it has been quite the dump i know but it may help someone else out as i have found it beneficial to allay to others that i still get confused , distressed and go into avoidance because most people when their happy healthy and vibrant like my siblings were play games, it is difficult to cop sometimes when healthy people can trigger you inadvertantly, so take care all i hope to share some of the things i have found in life to help me to reconnect with the innocence of all those years ago and it is still on going

Thank you for the welcome and supporting words!
I have found 12step fellowships helpful over the years and still attend. One that may be useful to others is a fellowship called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Their literature is worth a read.