Hi Dreamriver, Kizzie, and Jazzy,
First, thank you so much for your responses, I took some time off (the mental health has been pretty bad this week) but things are looking up a little. I only saw this just today, and I hope you don't mind that I post my response to you all in one message.
Thank you, Dreamriver. I've wondered about what it would mean to talk with him about this. I do feel as though I wouldn't be able to be my full self without acknowledging the ways in which this affected me in our relationship. My big worry is if it is too much for him. I don't want him to feel like he has to take any of this on, and maybe that's a point that I need to emphasize. I'm trying to encourage/be proud of myself for even realizing that the "normal" I was raised in was actually a violent, emotionally-closed hellscape.
Thank you for your thoughts, Kizzie -- and you're not a Debbie Downer at all! I don't know how well he'll react to it. I do know that he was raised with parents who were the complete opposite of mine, but he recently told me that a friend has a verbally abusive mom and said that he considers himself hugely privileged to have such kind parents. I do think that if he invalidates any of my upbringing, I would be more comfortable completely separating from him.
Hi Jazzy, thank you for what you shared! I think that's how I'm going to approach it. I'll just let him know that I've been working some stuff from my past. As he knows some of my upbringing (but not the abuse from my mom or much of the emotional abuse I took from my dad), it's going to be somewhat easier to talk about it. The big hurdles are that 1.) I don't want him to feel like this is something he has to take on -- just something that would help him understand me better, and 2.) In my situation, I didn't even know these were unresolved problems for me because I'd internalized so much negative self-messaging from my parents, but I knew that something was off. And thank you! It's wonderful to have a community who understands what this response does to a person's outlook.
At this point he thinks I have PTSD, in part because I've told him about the three different rapes I've survived (and about a month before quarantine I saw my third rapist at the store, which threw me for a long time). One thing is that I don't want him to feel like I'm withholding. I guess that sharing what I feel comfortable sharing in a given moment is good.
Thank you all for your input. It means so much.
First, thank you so much for your responses, I took some time off (the mental health has been pretty bad this week) but things are looking up a little. I only saw this just today, and I hope you don't mind that I post my response to you all in one message.
Thank you, Dreamriver. I've wondered about what it would mean to talk with him about this. I do feel as though I wouldn't be able to be my full self without acknowledging the ways in which this affected me in our relationship. My big worry is if it is too much for him. I don't want him to feel like he has to take any of this on, and maybe that's a point that I need to emphasize. I'm trying to encourage/be proud of myself for even realizing that the "normal" I was raised in was actually a violent, emotionally-closed hellscape.
Thank you for your thoughts, Kizzie -- and you're not a Debbie Downer at all! I don't know how well he'll react to it. I do know that he was raised with parents who were the complete opposite of mine, but he recently told me that a friend has a verbally abusive mom and said that he considers himself hugely privileged to have such kind parents. I do think that if he invalidates any of my upbringing, I would be more comfortable completely separating from him.
Hi Jazzy, thank you for what you shared! I think that's how I'm going to approach it. I'll just let him know that I've been working some stuff from my past. As he knows some of my upbringing (but not the abuse from my mom or much of the emotional abuse I took from my dad), it's going to be somewhat easier to talk about it. The big hurdles are that 1.) I don't want him to feel like this is something he has to take on -- just something that would help him understand me better, and 2.) In my situation, I didn't even know these were unresolved problems for me because I'd internalized so much negative self-messaging from my parents, but I knew that something was off. And thank you! It's wonderful to have a community who understands what this response does to a person's outlook.
At this point he thinks I have PTSD, in part because I've told him about the three different rapes I've survived (and about a month before quarantine I saw my third rapist at the store, which threw me for a long time). One thing is that I don't want him to feel like I'm withholding. I guess that sharing what I feel comfortable sharing in a given moment is good.
Thank you all for your input. It means so much.